Cheer up, love.

Today is my father's birthday. How do I feel? I don't know anymore! It's killing me. I skipped out on school yesterday to see the boy again... It was fun, we chilled at his house all day watching TV, making out on the couch and such. And later we went to a friend's place and swam in his pool, me in a singlet and board shorts, I hope to god I looked alright, the water was freezing cold. I went to my dad's house after and stayed the night, not watching much on TV and eating food. But not too much food. I made us dinner - vegie burgers, delicious really. And then we ate ice-cream. I was texting the boy, and he said that whenever I'm gone, his (and my, but more his) guy friends start going on about how hot I am. I'm not being 'modest', but I really am shocked by that. I've never thought myself that way.. I just see fat, baby faced, gross. It made me feel better. I have a fear of being seen by people. I really do. It's sort of irrational, sort of not. Right now I don't know what I want to do. I really don't know. I'm going to start eating as healthily as possible, not smoking, and exercising. Because honestly I'm a million times happier when I am living that way, even if pounds aren't constantly dropping off due to starvation. And now I have this boy I don't feel so uncomfortable being me.

But I still hate myself, I would kill to be someone else. I don't know why I hate myself so much, I just do... For now. I'm working on it.

Wish me luck.

I like to be alone, because being around people makes me uncomfortable. I'm learning to change that.

I have a Tumblr now!

http://oohlarly.tumblr.com/

Check it! :)

Lily Allen is a massive role model to me, because she is like me in so many ways.. but she handles it a lot better than I do.

<3

What's wrong with me?

Does it ever end?
Like, when you're waiting for life to get better, does it? Does it ever? Because honestly I've been waiting about 1 year and 4 months. Everyday, I'm alone. And I can't be with people because I feel uncomfortable being MYSELF.. I HATE BEING ME. Fuck. I wish I had a family. Why does everyone else get one? I hate being me so much I just want to be somebody else. It's like, I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone. That's an Audrey Hepburn quote you know. I have so much responsibility put on me, but no happiness.

Look at me, actually no please don't, I hate that.

"I get ill from one cigarette!" *cough cough cough*
So.. yeah that's me & Sandra Dee.
The other night I was so in a mood to binge, so I chain smoked a bit to avoid, it works... I don't think my body's used to it. And I over did it. And I felt SO ill, and now when even I just have one I get nauseous and ill.
Today our math teacher didn't show up, so me and a friend walked to the park to smoke. She's the friend who can make me feel so much like shit and she DID for a bit in the day, but then was being nice. I can never tell anymore..
I had some m&ms for lunch. But it was strangely controlled.
Did you know a malteser have 11 calories in 1??? Holy shit, how is that even possible?
My friends wanted me to come to town after school, but I'm seeing the boy (only for a few minutes).. but still. And then hanging out with my friend at HIS house, god everyone thinks I like him.
If you knew who Angus & Julia Stone were, then you'd be pleased to know Julia has a new solo album, it's GREAT but so so dark.
I ran into my ex when I was with the boy, holding hands the other day. I was afraid this might make him stop talking to me, coz we've been friends again lately. But luckily we were still chatting and such today.. It's nice.
Anyway, gonna go drink my tea. Got a new fave! Vanilla sleepytime tea. It's delicious.
Ta ta <3

Another Day.

Met up with boy and his sister today... I was craving a cigarette all day.
I went to their dad's apartment with them and we watched movies and such.
One sister made cookies, I didn't take any. Then she looked at me and said "Why aren't you eating any cookies??" and so boy took a cookie and put it into my mouth.. Hmm.. I chucked a quarter of it in the bin when they weren't looking.
And then she made pancakes too. Gave me one..
And then nachos. GOSH. Calm down with the food!
But yeah, I really like this guy.
I wonder if we'll have sex.. Thing is that I WANT to.. But it scares me because I'm afraid I'll be terrible, also I hate my body...
I have an audition tomorrow! Yay.
Intake:
Berries - 50
2x Carrots with Sweet Potato Dip - 100
4x Coffee Lollies - 70
1 Cookie - 90
1 Pancake - 70
Nachos - 250
= 620
Holybageebazas things add up quick!
Cool, peace.

<3

Skipping, Smoking, Piano..

I skipped school yesterday, caught a bus to the boyfriend's house. We stayed in watching Scrubs and him eating.
I ate nothing but a menthol all day, and that was only because I had a cigarette on my way to meet him, and he disapproves of smoking, in a way - so do I. But I need it, to calm me.
When I've had boyfriends in the past, they usually make me happy, but it's different now. It's not that I don't like him, coz I really do.. It's just not bothering me either way. I think I've taught myself to be alone, to LIKE being alone.
I stayed at my dad's house later that night. He ordered a pizza. I picked at two slices and threw two away when he wasn't looking.. I came back to mum's in the morning and she near forced pancakes down my throat.. I didn't have any. It was tempting though. I learnt a new song on piano, Real Love - Regina Spektor - it's a great song.
Hmm what else? Nothing much. It's about 1pm and I've had about 50 berries.. and a carrot. About 70 calories..

BTW - Irene if you read this, does your discussion board still work??
Email me? atthesnow@hotmail.com..

Crash, love, calm.

I think I'm depressed or something.
But I don't know, I've never been depressed.
I just feel so down ALL the time, I can't be alone because then I THINK too much and that just makes me sad. And I used to have reasons for being sad, but lately it's more of sad.... *reason to be happy*... sad again. Or stressed, or just uncomfortable in my own skin.
I haven't posted in so long, and it's because every time I want to I can't find the mind capacity...
A lot has happened but I'm afraid I can't post how I felt for most because I don't remember much.

Yes, I was in that car.

I was at my friend's house about 2 weeks ago, playing cluedo her friend came in with her boyfriend and asked if we wanted to road trip to the beach.. It was tons of fun, driving there.. And then we stopped at someone's house so the boyfriend could talk to his friend.. His friend decided it'd be fun to drive around the streets a bit. But then he sped up to140km/h (86m/h) and tried to turn and went straight into somebody's house. The police said they were surprised anyone was alive from the crash, but all anyone got was a few cuts and bruises. I've realized how easily I bruise, I got one on my finger and one on my arm. Giving statements to the police is painfully slow, I swear I told them what happened about 20 times. The crash was the most terrifying experience, yet I wasn't upset like everyone else in the car was... I didn't really have much emotion about the whole thing at all, like indifference. I actually kind of enjoyed the adrenaline rush from crashing.. My mum still doesn't know, the cops said they had to inform her but never did.

I spent all my holidays performing in a theater show nearly everyday and it was so much fun. I hardly went home and stayed with my friends in the cast at various people's houses. Unfortunately that screwed up my eating habits badly. I gained a li'l, I'm not enjoying it. I have another audition on Saturday, I'm praying I get in.

I have a boyfriend as of 4 days ago. But I've liked him for awhile, he's the one that I went ice skating with about 2 months ago and he was in the show with me. It didn't even feel like anything was going to happen, as he has a girlfriend.. But then we both stayed at a friend's house and ended up sharing a bed due to.. well, not really lack of beds, more just he wanted the bed I was in so he just joined me. We ended up kissing.. It's strange, then we talked about whether or not to go out and we weren't sure. But he was certain he was going to break up with his girlfriend. But eventually we did sort it out and now we are. I feel like this SHOULD make me happy, but I'm feeling so nonchalant about it, the only reason it's stopping me from being sad is because it's something to THINK about. Sometimes I think I could like this cool kid I always hang out with down my street, they're both so different people. The boyfriend is very straight edge and against me doing drugs.. The other one likes smoking and burning stuff.


Mother went through my things and found my food diary, I wanted to get angry but I knew if I did it might just make it worse, so now I have pent up anger towards her. This morning she blocked the door from me so I could leave for school until i ate 5 spoons of porridge. I wanted to cry or something.

I've started smoking a bit but I still think it's a dirty habit. I can't help it, it calms me down so much. And the people I hang out with do it a lot.

Intake today:
5 spoons porridge. - 30..
1 black coffee. - 1.
Tablespoon of powdered oreo - 40
Piece of pop tart - 30
= 101
<3