Today is my father's birthday. How do I feel? I don't know anymore! It's killing me. I skipped out on school yesterday to see the boy again... It was fun, we chilled at his house all day watching TV, making out on the couch and such. And later we went to a friend's place and swam in his pool, me in a singlet and board shorts, I hope to god I looked alright, the water was freezing cold. I went to my dad's house after and stayed the night, not watching much on TV and eating food. But not too much food. I made us dinner - vegie burgers, delicious really. And then we ate ice-cream. I was texting the boy, and he said that whenever I'm gone, his (and my, but more his) guy friends start going on about how hot I am. I'm not being 'modest', but I really am shocked by that. I've never thought myself that way.. I just see fat, baby faced, gross. It made me feel better. I have a fear of being seen by people. I really do. It's sort of irrational, sort of not. Right now I don't know what I want to do. I really don't know. I'm going to start eating as healthily as possible, not smoking, and exercising. Because honestly I'm a million times happier when I am living that way, even if pounds aren't constantly dropping off due to starvation. And now I have this boy I don't feel so uncomfortable being me.
But I still hate myself, I would kill to be someone else. I don't know why I hate myself so much, I just do... For now. I'm working on it.Wish me luck.
I like to be alone, because being around people makes me uncomfortable. I'm learning to change that.
I have a Tumblr now!
Check it! :)
Lily Allen is a massive role model to me, because she is like me in so many ways.. but she handles it a lot better than I do.
<3
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