Saturday, September 25, 2010
Time spent wasting is not wasted time.
I don't want to waste a minute. Or a second. I don't want to waste any time on FOOD. And if I'm ALWAYS never eating then I'll never lose a second will I?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Non-chalant
There's something I want. But I can't quite understand what.
I keep wanting to say something to somebody like "I want to just never eat again" or "I wish I was thin" or "I wish I could curl up into a ball and die when I please" and then I realise how un-normal these statements are. They're totally un-normal things to want. I mean, yeah, a lot of people wish they were thin, but I'm in fact surprised by how many people I know who just don't care. I wonder if they do care but PRETEND they don't care. I don't wish to be me anymore. I really don't. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window, and I don't like it. Not because I think I'm hideous or anything, I get to told far to often that I'm pretty or gorgeous or beautiful, I just can't stand the fact that I am ME anymore, it's killing me and I don't even know why. I want to be not me, high all the time, I just want this constant high. And you get that from fasting, and the thing is that it's not even about being thin, because it IS but then again it's not. I used to fast so well, and it did scare me a lot but it was the most intense experience. I remember I had this one point in time of my life, at least 6 months where everything was great, awesome, normal. I ate tons, but it WASN'T tons, it wasn't much, and it didn't matter how much or how little it was. I was happy and laid-back and happy.
I keep wanting to say something to somebody like "I want to just never eat again" or "I wish I was thin" or "I wish I could curl up into a ball and die when I please" and then I realise how un-normal these statements are. They're totally un-normal things to want. I mean, yeah, a lot of people wish they were thin, but I'm in fact surprised by how many people I know who just don't care. I wonder if they do care but PRETEND they don't care. I don't wish to be me anymore. I really don't. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window, and I don't like it. Not because I think I'm hideous or anything, I get to told far to often that I'm pretty or gorgeous or beautiful, I just can't stand the fact that I am ME anymore, it's killing me and I don't even know why. I want to be not me, high all the time, I just want this constant high. And you get that from fasting, and the thing is that it's not even about being thin, because it IS but then again it's not. I used to fast so well, and it did scare me a lot but it was the most intense experience. I remember I had this one point in time of my life, at least 6 months where everything was great, awesome, normal. I ate tons, but it WASN'T tons, it wasn't much, and it didn't matter how much or how little it was. I was happy and laid-back and happy.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Night Wanderer
I just had the strangest moment.
I had gone to the kitchen, hungry. Put two weet-bix in the bowl, poured some honey on, gotten a cup of tea and poured the milk on. I was about to start eating when suddenly I though 'wait, do I need this?'.. and I didn't really. So I chucked it out, knowing there's always more where that came from.
I, of course drank the tea. Lately I've been accidentally getting under 1000 calories and still feeling like a failure because it wasn't a plan and so I overeat later on. Which is stupid.
Last night I slept a friend's house, we watched Bruno and Marie Antoinette, Bruno was hilarious and Marie Antoinette was beautiful, I wish I could live like her. I want to live my life in a cottage in a field of grass and flowers and trees with a lake and animals and have a nice big comfy bed with a yak wool rug in my room. A big teapot always brewing. A massive bookshelf full of every wonderful book ever. And that would be it.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I've been getting insomnia lately, I just CAN'T sleep. I told my friend and he said if I can't sleep I can call him up and we can walk around at night, two insomniacs wandering the streets.
I've decided that I want to never have to sleep or eat. I just want to be invincible..
Hmm.
Goodnight.
1 pancake w maple syrup
1 bowl of porridge w honey
1 mini can baked beans
1/2 serving homemade fried rice
1 fruit and nut bar
1 lollipop
1 diet creme caramel
1 soother
1 carrot
2x serving low cal jello
= 750
I had gone to the kitchen, hungry. Put two weet-bix in the bowl, poured some honey on, gotten a cup of tea and poured the milk on. I was about to start eating when suddenly I though 'wait, do I need this?'.. and I didn't really. So I chucked it out, knowing there's always more where that came from.I, of course drank the tea. Lately I've been accidentally getting under 1000 calories and still feeling like a failure because it wasn't a plan and so I overeat later on. Which is stupid.
Last night I slept a friend's house, we watched Bruno and Marie Antoinette, Bruno was hilarious and Marie Antoinette was beautiful, I wish I could live like her. I want to live my life in a cottage in a field of grass and flowers and trees with a lake and animals and have a nice big comfy bed with a yak wool rug in my room. A big teapot always brewing. A massive bookshelf full of every wonderful book ever. And that would be it.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I've been getting insomnia lately, I just CAN'T sleep. I told my friend and he said if I can't sleep I can call him up and we can walk around at night, two insomniacs wandering the streets.
I've decided that I want to never have to sleep or eat. I just want to be invincible..
Hmm.
Goodnight.
1 pancake w maple syrup
1 bowl of porridge w honey
1 mini can baked beans
1/2 serving homemade fried rice
1 fruit and nut bar
1 lollipop
1 diet creme caramel
1 soother
1 carrot
2x serving low cal jello
= 750
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Sleeping forever.
 |
| Freja Beha Erichsen |
 |
| Kate Moss cooking an omelette |
2 mini croissants - 230
sultana bran - 170
crackers / chips.. - 150
1/2 samosa - 90
3 pieces lindt choc - 90
raspberry licorice bullets - 150
sesame snap - 40
1/2 a vegie noodles - 200
oreos - 140
carrot - 20
sugarfree energy drink - 7
mini muffin - 50
porridge - 100
= 1437
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Wow last night's post was really depressive.
Anyway, I'm not so much like that today, my hands are moving at like a million miles an hour while I write this and I'm chewing a piece of gum rapidly. I couldn't sleep very well. I went to sleep at about 2am, I uhhhh wait what was it? Oh yeah, I had a dream, a dream about god knows what but I remember enjoying it. I think I was thin in it - haha isn't that nice? I woke up at 8.30, I'm meant to be at school 5 to 9. But we have assembly today, they can never tell who was there for assembly and who wasn't, so win win. I just had 3 cups of coffee and running off the energy of that. I have rehearsal tonight, should be interesting. i think I'll go ice skating tomorrow after school.. I love ice skating, gosh I don't even know.
I love the Kooks. I'm wearing red lipstick. I matched it with beads.
Me and a boy worked out what we will be eating during production week of our show...
We worked this out due to me telling him he needs to try certain foods and love them and vice versa.
Baby food, coffee, oats, raspberry licorice bullets, koh kai nuts, green beans, chai, chilli chocolate, sesame snaps, nashi pears.
Should be interesting. Of course he'll be eating most of that ;)
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Ummmmmmmmm yeah.
I went to the markets on Saturday, they were great. I love the markets so much. The vibe, the smell, everything. I wish there were more markets, but I can always get my father to take me to them, in fact I might go to the fruit and veg markets on saturday! Oh wait, I think I'm going out for breakfast with people, then we're going ice skating, then to the movies. I'll just have coffee at breakfast (good because the place we're going is fucking expensive so I have an excuse, coffee is probably like 7 bucks) and then ICE SKATING meaning calories burnt. OH YEAH.
I'm sleeping at a friend's house that night, we organised to have a 'noodle night'.. hmm but she used to be anorexic and she's really into exercise so hopefully it will be fine. And on Friday night I have a good friend's party. I'm pumped! I'll see if this guy wants to do anything after that..
Spring is here, yet it's still rainy, windy, freezing. Fucking hell go away winter you meanie. hahahaha.
ABBEY LEE KERSHAW IS BLONDE :(
nooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I really want a Yak Wool blanket. Oh that would be my wish!
I've made a rule that every week I cross off something I'm known to binge on and don't binge on it. This week is peanut butter and boy am I glad coz before I used to get through like half a jar. which was bad coz a jar is like 2000 calories. SO YEAH. NEXT week is cereal. I always go pour 'just a little more' or 'just to finish off the milk'.. ya know??
Quotes I found recently that Ilike:
Byeeeeee <3
Also, anyone in aus?
Anyway, I'm not so much like that today, my hands are moving at like a million miles an hour while I write this and I'm chewing a piece of gum rapidly. I couldn't sleep very well. I went to sleep at about 2am, I uhhhh wait what was it? Oh yeah, I had a dream, a dream about god knows what but I remember enjoying it. I think I was thin in it - haha isn't that nice? I woke up at 8.30, I'm meant to be at school 5 to 9. But we have assembly today, they can never tell who was there for assembly and who wasn't, so win win. I just had 3 cups of coffee and running off the energy of that. I have rehearsal tonight, should be interesting. i think I'll go ice skating tomorrow after school.. I love ice skating, gosh I don't even know.
I love the Kooks. I'm wearing red lipstick. I matched it with beads.
Me and a boy worked out what we will be eating during production week of our show...
We worked this out due to me telling him he needs to try certain foods and love them and vice versa.
Baby food, coffee, oats, raspberry licorice bullets, koh kai nuts, green beans, chai, chilli chocolate, sesame snaps, nashi pears.
Should be interesting. Of course he'll be eating most of that ;)
.jpg)
Ummmmmmmmm yeah.I went to the markets on Saturday, they were great. I love the markets so much. The vibe, the smell, everything. I wish there were more markets, but I can always get my father to take me to them, in fact I might go to the fruit and veg markets on saturday! Oh wait, I think I'm going out for breakfast with people, then we're going ice skating, then to the movies. I'll just have coffee at breakfast (good because the place we're going is fucking expensive so I have an excuse, coffee is probably like 7 bucks) and then ICE SKATING meaning calories burnt. OH YEAH.
I'm sleeping at a friend's house that night, we organised to have a 'noodle night'.. hmm but she used to be anorexic and she's really into exercise so hopefully it will be fine. And on Friday night I have a good friend's party. I'm pumped! I'll see if this guy wants to do anything after that..
Spring is here, yet it's still rainy, windy, freezing. Fucking hell go away winter you meanie. hahahaha.
ABBEY LEE KERSHAW IS BLONDE :(
nooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I really want a Yak Wool blanket. Oh that would be my wish!
I've made a rule that every week I cross off something I'm known to binge on and don't binge on it. This week is peanut butter and boy am I glad coz before I used to get through like half a jar. which was bad coz a jar is like 2000 calories. SO YEAH. NEXT week is cereal. I always go pour 'just a little more' or 'just to finish off the milk'.. ya know??
Quotes I found recently that Ilike:
- If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution
- I took the road less travelled by and that has made all the difference (it helps me, may not help you..)
- I had a hole in my heart, so I threw away my plate, because nothing filled me up, no matter what I ate
Byeeeeee <3
Also, anyone in aus?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Rain rain please stay
I'm sorry that I haven't posted in forever, the internet on my computer is down and I have to post this from my phone. I've been so off the wagon, the number on the scale and the size of my clothes has stayed the same yet I feel like I've gained a million and two pounds. I am not happy. I can't deal with anything. I just want to sit and cry in my room for the next month. In fact I've been crying all afternoon, I went for a run which helped, it's been raining which is nice – the air is fresh. This morning my "best friend" ignored the shit out of me, more than usual. She's been doing this for a while, and it's very complicated but she does these things which make me feel like absolute shit. I started crying in English class today, we didn't have a teacher (for some reason our school fails and the relief didn't come) and we watched the Simpsons, only one person noticed me crying but that's good. I was trying to hide behind my scarf and hair, but he's really nice and was wondering what was wrong.
My ex boyfriend texted me the other night, he's so amazingly sweet and I can't believe I ever let him go – I was such a fucking idiot. He's inviting me to his 18th birthday party, it's so sweet of him. The guy I dumped him for and I never got together but that's a whole other story, but HE and I are good friends, and he can cheer me up just because he actually always pays attention to me, strangely enough. And this guy that I had a thing with for awhile was talking to me last night, I thought he had forgotten me :] Perhaps there's something in the air, my OTHER ex boyfriend has been talking to me again – after ignoring me for half a year. He was the only person that made me happy for a while. I just realized how long it's been since I've felt truly content for more than a few days. I've had temporary bursts of happiness due to certain people making things better but I can't seem to get fixed permanently..
I'm going to fast for three days starting tomorrow, I feel so high when I fast and I love it. Fuck, wish me luck.
I found this amazing tea – it's fucking toffee flavoured. It TASTES like toffee, can I get a hell yeah? HELL YEAH. Well yeahh…. And I'm in love with carrots, I eat so goddamn many. Note to self – buy carrots.
I got my school report today – surprisingly enough I'm not failing anything, and no teachers want to speak to my parents – SCORE. So I don't even need to show my mum, she does freak out about nothing.
I'm reading Wasted again, it's actually a really good book and she's such a good writer… And then I'm going to also be reading a book called Wolf Brother – it's a great book.
I have been going to the gym more lately, but thing is that I can't get there unless my mum wants to go too, and she's lazy and never wants to go, AND then she won't let me go for a jog because it's 'dark outside and you might get hurt!'. Well screw that, I'll go after you fall to sleep. I want to start figure skating more, but it's SO expensive. I'm torn – perhaps when I finish this theater show?
Anyway, my mind is racing right now and I have the empty cried out feeling.
Goodnight! <3 Stay strong.
My ex boyfriend texted me the other night, he's so amazingly sweet and I can't believe I ever let him go – I was such a fucking idiot. He's inviting me to his 18th birthday party, it's so sweet of him. The guy I dumped him for and I never got together but that's a whole other story, but HE and I are good friends, and he can cheer me up just because he actually always pays attention to me, strangely enough. And this guy that I had a thing with for awhile was talking to me last night, I thought he had forgotten me :] Perhaps there's something in the air, my OTHER ex boyfriend has been talking to me again – after ignoring me for half a year. He was the only person that made me happy for a while. I just realized how long it's been since I've felt truly content for more than a few days. I've had temporary bursts of happiness due to certain people making things better but I can't seem to get fixed permanently..
I'm going to fast for three days starting tomorrow, I feel so high when I fast and I love it. Fuck, wish me luck.
I found this amazing tea – it's fucking toffee flavoured. It TASTES like toffee, can I get a hell yeah? HELL YEAH. Well yeahh…. And I'm in love with carrots, I eat so goddamn many. Note to self – buy carrots.
I got my school report today – surprisingly enough I'm not failing anything, and no teachers want to speak to my parents – SCORE. So I don't even need to show my mum, she does freak out about nothing.
I'm reading Wasted again, it's actually a really good book and she's such a good writer… And then I'm going to also be reading a book called Wolf Brother – it's a great book.
I have been going to the gym more lately, but thing is that I can't get there unless my mum wants to go too, and she's lazy and never wants to go, AND then she won't let me go for a jog because it's 'dark outside and you might get hurt!'. Well screw that, I'll go after you fall to sleep. I want to start figure skating more, but it's SO expensive. I'm torn – perhaps when I finish this theater show?
Anyway, my mind is racing right now and I have the empty cried out feeling.
Goodnight! <3 Stay strong.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I'm Not Yours
Light me up a cigarette and put it in my mouth.. You're the only one who wants me to die.
And I can think of a thousand reasons why, I don't believe in you.. I don't believe in you.
I'm not yours anymore.
I just had dinner. Pasta. when was the last time I had pasta? I don't know really. So my intake today has been good, I got bored hungry so I had some corncakes and coffee. And now I still have my coffee. Delicious, appetite suppressing coffee. :)
Intake:
banana - 90
2x carrot - 40
seaweed - 10
yoghurt - 70
baby food - 50
corn cakes - 120
pasta - 200
= 550
I find bananas and coffee are really good for the mornings. I went to my local grocery after school and bought 10 things of baby food for 5 dollars. Bargain. And a bag of carrots. Carrots are amazing, I love them. The side of my stomach is hurting like crazy and I don't even know why. I'm tossing up between going figure skating by myself to practice or bike riding tomorrow with a friend, hmm. Wish I could do both. But I am gonna go to the gym tomorrow night regardless.
I've set up a binge bag under my bed, it's filled with stuff to help me overcome those urges:
Gum, water, baby food, seaweed, corncakes, teas, apple cider vinegar.
Ahh you don't even know how much I want to go get some cereal or something. I MIGHT. Oh gosh. I hate sitting at home when hungry. I wanted to go the gym today, but mother was all like "nooo rah rah rah". Lame!
I had a drama performance today! It failed a little bit coz someome didn't learn their lines but it was okay. My ex spoke to me today! It was crazy, we haven't spoken for like 6 months and he just turns to me smiling and says "How's it going?", it was cool coz I enjoyed being friends with him. but whatevs. He has a cool brother.
My best friend is on a diet she told me about. Apparently you cut out all grains, beans and dairy. So you live on meat and veg.
Sounds a bit retarded. Like, meat is fat and protein and then no carbs? You do need SOME carbs otherwise your blood sugar drops and you go insane. haha at least that's how I feel when my blood sugar drops.
AAAND I just ate another half bagel with peanut butter.
hmm so that's 850 for the day.
Argh so tempting to have more. I'm lame.
goodbye!
And I can think of a thousand reasons why, I don't believe in you.. I don't believe in you.
I'm not yours anymore.
I just had dinner. Pasta. when was the last time I had pasta? I don't know really. So my intake today has been good, I got bored hungry so I had some corncakes and coffee. And now I still have my coffee. Delicious, appetite suppressing coffee. :)
Intake:
banana - 90
2x carrot - 40
seaweed - 10
yoghurt - 70
baby food - 50
corn cakes - 120
pasta - 200
= 550
I find bananas and coffee are really good for the mornings. I went to my local grocery after school and bought 10 things of baby food for 5 dollars. Bargain. And a bag of carrots. Carrots are amazing, I love them. The side of my stomach is hurting like crazy and I don't even know why. I'm tossing up between going figure skating by myself to practice or bike riding tomorrow with a friend, hmm. Wish I could do both. But I am gonna go to the gym tomorrow night regardless.
I've set up a binge bag under my bed, it's filled with stuff to help me overcome those urges:
Gum, water, baby food, seaweed, corncakes, teas, apple cider vinegar.
Ahh you don't even know how much I want to go get some cereal or something. I MIGHT. Oh gosh. I hate sitting at home when hungry. I wanted to go the gym today, but mother was all like "nooo rah rah rah". Lame!
I had a drama performance today! It failed a little bit coz someome didn't learn their lines but it was okay. My ex spoke to me today! It was crazy, we haven't spoken for like 6 months and he just turns to me smiling and says "How's it going?", it was cool coz I enjoyed being friends with him. but whatevs. He has a cool brother.
My best friend is on a diet she told me about. Apparently you cut out all grains, beans and dairy. So you live on meat and veg.
Sounds a bit retarded. Like, meat is fat and protein and then no carbs? You do need SOME carbs otherwise your blood sugar drops and you go insane. haha at least that's how I feel when my blood sugar drops.
AAAND I just ate another half bagel with peanut butter.
hmm so that's 850 for the day.
Argh so tempting to have more. I'm lame.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Yeah, so the past two days had been going really well when suddenly out of nowhere.. I GOT FRIENDS.
No wait, that sounded lame, okay so I hung out with friends. My day had been good so far (1 banana, 1 bagel, 2 carrots - 430) and it was around 5.30pm when I went to go meet my friend at the mall before we had rehearsal together. I got there and she was like 'do you wanna get food?' and I was all like 'nah I'm not hun-ger-ee' (even though I could feel my stomach yelling out for some food lol) and then we went to the grocery store and i got a bag of green beans (they're amazing) and she got a bag of lollies, for us to share :\
and then we went to the food court and met with some others, and she got chips and asked if I want to get them and share. I declined, so she got them and then KEPT offering them and being like 'have someee!!!'. I declined. but then later I slept at my other friend's house and she has junk and ahh I couldn't help it! I had like a half bag of chips and 2 chocolate pieces. I guess it's alright. like 1500ish for the day.
AND then there was today, I woke up and had to spend an hour on a bus going back to my house to meet my friend's for breakfast at this great cafe, I had pancakes O_o.. My total for the day is around 1500, but I'm okay with that because I went to the gym and burnt 515 calories. AND before the gym I had figure skating for an hour, and burnt like 400 I reckon. My skating teacher is giving me the option to be in the Christmas show, but I don't know - I think I'd be too embarassed coz I'm not that good. But I'm taking up another ice skating session per week - on Thursdays! :) I love it! and I finally renewed my gym membership today! I'll be going a lot more often! Good. Bike riding with a friend on Thursday after school OR figure skating - I can't decide...
There was a sale of baby food at my local supermarket today! 50c a pot, and it's about 50 calories a pot. 1c = 1calorie haha. Yeah so I'm gonna be eating that for a while!
I realised something - out of sight, out of mind - if I don't know the calories then it doesn't bother me nearly as much to eat a slice of cake. This is not good... I don't have much to say sorry! I always feel so great after working out, even if I don't want to beforehand - or like when I go figure skating or to dance class. I never want to go, but when I get there I LOVE IT. *Takes note of this*
I'm so exhausted and my feet have blisters - ow.
gonna watch Trueblood tonight!
Goodnight dears <3
:)
the Thigh's the limit (lol that was the name of a photoshoot, I thought it was cool)
No wait, that sounded lame, okay so I hung out with friends. My day had been good so far (1 banana, 1 bagel, 2 carrots - 430) and it was around 5.30pm when I went to go meet my friend at the mall before we had rehearsal together. I got there and she was like 'do you wanna get food?' and I was all like 'nah I'm not hun-ger-ee' (even though I could feel my stomach yelling out for some food lol) and then we went to the grocery store and i got a bag of green beans (they're amazing) and she got a bag of lollies, for us to share :\
and then we went to the food court and met with some others, and she got chips and asked if I want to get them and share. I declined, so she got them and then KEPT offering them and being like 'have someee!!!'. I declined. but then later I slept at my other friend's house and she has junk and ahh I couldn't help it! I had like a half bag of chips and 2 chocolate pieces. I guess it's alright. like 1500ish for the day.
AND then there was today, I woke up and had to spend an hour on a bus going back to my house to meet my friend's for breakfast at this great cafe, I had pancakes O_o.. My total for the day is around 1500, but I'm okay with that because I went to the gym and burnt 515 calories. AND before the gym I had figure skating for an hour, and burnt like 400 I reckon. My skating teacher is giving me the option to be in the Christmas show, but I don't know - I think I'd be too embarassed coz I'm not that good. But I'm taking up another ice skating session per week - on Thursdays! :) I love it! and I finally renewed my gym membership today! I'll be going a lot more often! Good. Bike riding with a friend on Thursday after school OR figure skating - I can't decide...
There was a sale of baby food at my local supermarket today! 50c a pot, and it's about 50 calories a pot. 1c = 1calorie haha. Yeah so I'm gonna be eating that for a while!
I realised something - out of sight, out of mind - if I don't know the calories then it doesn't bother me nearly as much to eat a slice of cake. This is not good... I don't have much to say sorry! I always feel so great after working out, even if I don't want to beforehand - or like when I go figure skating or to dance class. I never want to go, but when I get there I LOVE IT. *Takes note of this*
I'm so exhausted and my feet have blisters - ow.
gonna watch Trueblood tonight!
Goodnight dears <3
:)
the Thigh's the limit (lol that was the name of a photoshoot, I thought it was cool)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Short
I will update properly soon but I need to sleep.
Intake:
Baked beans - 150
Soup - 100
Carrot - 20
= 270
:)
Intake:
Baked beans - 150
Soup - 100
Carrot - 20
= 270
:)
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Today's intake
banana - 90
mandarin - 30
salad with mustard - 30
carrot - 20
apple - 70
roast vegies - 200
= 440
:)
mandarin - 30
salad with mustard - 30
carrot - 20
apple - 70
roast vegies - 200
= 440
:)
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Like a Lightswitch.
When I get into this, I get REALLY into this, it's all I can think about especially when my brain is like a zombie's from lack of food. I find myself boring and obsessive and so then I climb myself out of that hole and I fall COMPLETELY off the wagon and just eat whatever. I can't find a balance, there is NO balance. So what do I do?? I don't quite know. But then when I fall off I miss being empty and light and crazy and thinking NON stop and up all night and thinner every minute.
Anyway, I'm really boring right now.
Toodle-pip.
<3 I'm sorry for not posting. hope everyone is good.
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