Fuck.

Hey,
So.. I lost a bunch of weight right? And then I was like 'fuck yes' and stopped. And then life continued. and then I fucking slowly just fucking gained fucking weight again and now I'm fucking hideous looking.
Today was my first shift at a new job. All I ever usually wear is loose dresses.. So my weight doesn't bother me in those. And I had to wear a t-shirt and shorts. I wore my original 'fat' shorts. THEY'RE FUCKING TIGHT. They give me the worst muffin top and I look fucking horrible. I'm too fat to wear t-shirt and shorts!! FUCK THIS I NEED TO BE THIN.
So how do I do it? I'm not sure if I can remember.. Don't eat? Maybe eat a little? Calories low? Mmmkay. I'll keep them fucking.. Fuck. NO JUNK FOOD. Only salads and vegies and fruit and no butter or salt or oil or anything and no snacking and no accepting food from my boyfriend. Cool.
Calories are gonna be ... under 500! I CAN DO IT. And when I start working properly I'll go to Zumba. But I can't afford it right now. Yeah.. I'm too poor. Walks in the morning? Fuck that means waking up early.. Okay it's worth it. To be thin. Of course it is.
Deal. I promise myself I will lose weight.

Sorry.

Oh fuck it's been so long since the last post I made.. I guess I just lost the habit, I miss it though, I'm back.

So my weight? Yeah it's fucking whalish after christmas and just me being fat in general, 65.3kg, this morning. I've GOT to lose that, I just have to. So I'm going to start going to the gym heaps and not eating. I've been having the choice to see my boyfriend, or go to the gym... And what do I pick? Fuck.
So my mother, she got really angry at me when she found out that I starved myself and such. But I heard her telling people yesterday that she's fasting and stuff for weight loss. I've gotta do this.
I've had one cup of tea this morning, with full cream milk - 40 calories? I hope I stay under 500 for the day.
And a fruit salad.. 70 calories around.
That's 110 calories today. 390 to go.

I have a boyfriend of 2 month, I've talked about him before.
Him and I are the complete opposite people..
He is against all the things that I do, and have always done (drinking, smoking, drugs etc..) He's a 'praying, church attending' christian, and I'm an very firm atheist. He loves meat, I'm an on-off vegan and always vegetarian. He likes all the music and movies I don't, and I like all the music and movies he doesn't.
But we get on just fine. And his sister (she's my age), she's become a good friend, except she used to hate me because apparently that's what she does with all his girlfriends, which is true because I remember before he broke up with his last girlfriend for me, she was telling me about how much she hates her.
So yeah, I pretty much live at their place, meaning eating because insists, and eating because his mother insists.

I have two jobs now, one at a coffee place and the other at a salad/sandwich bar. The sandwich bar, is run by an Italian family who always call me 'bella' and 'darling' and when annoyed they say 'mamma mia!' Ha, gotta love it. I'm earning way more than I used to.. I have a list of things I'm saving to buy - a treadmill, a tv, a rug for my room, a new laptop because mine is way past it's use by date, and a new ipod because mine is totally broken. The other day my mother took out 130 dollars out of my account, because I said she could take out 30, fuck that. It was only to 'borrow' but she could have asked me. And when I confronted her, she denied it at first and then admitted and then payed me back, but within a few days she asked to borrow another 100. Well jesus christ, why did I even get a job?
And I'm getting pet ferrets! Woo! I'm so excited. How can you not love them? I was going to get pet rats at first, but my dad decided he liked ferrets better, and so do I.. It's just that they are much more expensive. I used to have an ex who had pet ferrets, we took them for walks and stuff. Sometimes we even took them to my favourite cafe and tied them to the leg of the chairs and let them run around, it was great.
So got any good ferret names anybody?

I'm currently staying at my uncles place, he lives sort of out in the country, in a small town. We went for two mini bushwalks, they were tiring but awesome, nature is so beautiful! My cousin is like the hot version of me, it sucks a little bit, but she's so nice. My mother and I were supposed to leave yesterday morning, but our car broke down, so we stayed the night, my dad is coming to get me this morning and my mother is staying another night. I was supposed to spend the last two nights at my boyfriend's because his mother is out of town.

Cheer up, love.

Today is my father's birthday. How do I feel? I don't know anymore! It's killing me. I skipped out on school yesterday to see the boy again... It was fun, we chilled at his house all day watching TV, making out on the couch and such. And later we went to a friend's place and swam in his pool, me in a singlet and board shorts, I hope to god I looked alright, the water was freezing cold. I went to my dad's house after and stayed the night, not watching much on TV and eating food. But not too much food. I made us dinner - vegie burgers, delicious really. And then we ate ice-cream. I was texting the boy, and he said that whenever I'm gone, his (and my, but more his) guy friends start going on about how hot I am. I'm not being 'modest', but I really am shocked by that. I've never thought myself that way.. I just see fat, baby faced, gross. It made me feel better. I have a fear of being seen by people. I really do. It's sort of irrational, sort of not. Right now I don't know what I want to do. I really don't know. I'm going to start eating as healthily as possible, not smoking, and exercising. Because honestly I'm a million times happier when I am living that way, even if pounds aren't constantly dropping off due to starvation. And now I have this boy I don't feel so uncomfortable being me.

But I still hate myself, I would kill to be someone else. I don't know why I hate myself so much, I just do... For now. I'm working on it.

Wish me luck.

I like to be alone, because being around people makes me uncomfortable. I'm learning to change that.

I have a Tumblr now!

http://oohlarly.tumblr.com/

Check it! :)

Lily Allen is a massive role model to me, because she is like me in so many ways.. but she handles it a lot better than I do.

<3

What's wrong with me?

Does it ever end?
Like, when you're waiting for life to get better, does it? Does it ever? Because honestly I've been waiting about 1 year and 4 months. Everyday, I'm alone. And I can't be with people because I feel uncomfortable being MYSELF.. I HATE BEING ME. Fuck. I wish I had a family. Why does everyone else get one? I hate being me so much I just want to be somebody else. It's like, I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone. That's an Audrey Hepburn quote you know. I have so much responsibility put on me, but no happiness.

Look at me, actually no please don't, I hate that.

"I get ill from one cigarette!" *cough cough cough*
So.. yeah that's me & Sandra Dee.
The other night I was so in a mood to binge, so I chain smoked a bit to avoid, it works... I don't think my body's used to it. And I over did it. And I felt SO ill, and now when even I just have one I get nauseous and ill.
Today our math teacher didn't show up, so me and a friend walked to the park to smoke. She's the friend who can make me feel so much like shit and she DID for a bit in the day, but then was being nice. I can never tell anymore..
I had some m&ms for lunch. But it was strangely controlled.
Did you know a malteser have 11 calories in 1??? Holy shit, how is that even possible?
My friends wanted me to come to town after school, but I'm seeing the boy (only for a few minutes).. but still. And then hanging out with my friend at HIS house, god everyone thinks I like him.
If you knew who Angus & Julia Stone were, then you'd be pleased to know Julia has a new solo album, it's GREAT but so so dark.
I ran into my ex when I was with the boy, holding hands the other day. I was afraid this might make him stop talking to me, coz we've been friends again lately. But luckily we were still chatting and such today.. It's nice.
Anyway, gonna go drink my tea. Got a new fave! Vanilla sleepytime tea. It's delicious.
Ta ta <3

Another Day.

Met up with boy and his sister today... I was craving a cigarette all day.
I went to their dad's apartment with them and we watched movies and such.
One sister made cookies, I didn't take any. Then she looked at me and said "Why aren't you eating any cookies??" and so boy took a cookie and put it into my mouth.. Hmm.. I chucked a quarter of it in the bin when they weren't looking.
And then she made pancakes too. Gave me one..
And then nachos. GOSH. Calm down with the food!
But yeah, I really like this guy.
I wonder if we'll have sex.. Thing is that I WANT to.. But it scares me because I'm afraid I'll be terrible, also I hate my body...
I have an audition tomorrow! Yay.
Intake:
Berries - 50
2x Carrots with Sweet Potato Dip - 100
4x Coffee Lollies - 70
1 Cookie - 90
1 Pancake - 70
Nachos - 250
= 620
Holybageebazas things add up quick!
Cool, peace.

<3

Skipping, Smoking, Piano..

I skipped school yesterday, caught a bus to the boyfriend's house. We stayed in watching Scrubs and him eating.
I ate nothing but a menthol all day, and that was only because I had a cigarette on my way to meet him, and he disapproves of smoking, in a way - so do I. But I need it, to calm me.
When I've had boyfriends in the past, they usually make me happy, but it's different now. It's not that I don't like him, coz I really do.. It's just not bothering me either way. I think I've taught myself to be alone, to LIKE being alone.
I stayed at my dad's house later that night. He ordered a pizza. I picked at two slices and threw two away when he wasn't looking.. I came back to mum's in the morning and she near forced pancakes down my throat.. I didn't have any. It was tempting though. I learnt a new song on piano, Real Love - Regina Spektor - it's a great song.
Hmm what else? Nothing much. It's about 1pm and I've had about 50 berries.. and a carrot. About 70 calories..

BTW - Irene if you read this, does your discussion board still work??
Email me? atthesnow@hotmail.com..