People are strange?

There's these two girls who are friends with me.. And they're both dancers, and really obssessed with their weight.
One of them is really super skinny, the other is average weight.
Let's call them Potato (the skinny one) and carrot (the average one).
So whenever they both sleep at my house, or even when I'm just WITH them both, neither eat. Like, ever. All they do is drink apple cider vinegar and smoke and drink black coffee and tea.
Potato is the same, no matter whether she's with carrot or not.
But carrot eats when potato isn't around. It's like she pretends to be like potato when potato is with her.. Like today I saw her eat about 1000 calories for lunch.. (a pasty, then 2 big hashbrowns, a bread roll)
Thing is, I could imagine me eating that.. Just NEVER infront of people. I hate people seeing me eat.
And my mum was like "You're not taking diet tips from carrot are you?? Coz she used to have anorexia"
I find that VERY hard to believe. She's like a tad lil chubby. And she always eats, but just pretends not to.
It's kinda weird.

Anyway, there's this other girl. And a while back she went on this weird diet of only eating negative calorie foods, but this was the same time when all my friends decided that they wanted to be really skinny. So they all went on a diet together.. And that fad lasted no more than 4 days and they all went back to eating chips and such.

But that is actually basically what set me off to lose weight. And I think it did the same thing to her. She always does this thing where she'll try and get someone else to eat some junk food, and then make up some reason as to why she can't have any.
And today I turned to her and said "did you eat breakfast?" and she says "no.. did you?" and I said "no" and there was sort of like a mutualness there.
and she's always chewing gum.
Yeah..


I ate so so so much today.. and then I vomited.. Who does that?? I wish I hadn't but I'm glad I did?

Shut up stupid friend.

Ate yesterday. I did, had some choc crackles, cereal, pancakes, tacos.
I know it sounds like a lot. But I had tiny amounts of each.
And thing is, I get full SO easily that it's actually almost impossible to overeat.
Probably not the healthiest, but I kept it low.
Um and I still had about 1 hour and 20 minutes of walking in. (to the college)
Well, everything was fine until about 3:30pm (I hadn't eaten) until me and my friends were walking back and I had a little outburst at this friend who was pissing me off.
And then he turns to me and says "Have you eaten today?"
I took so long trying to decide whether or not to lie, that he knew.
So he starts talking really loudly and going "Oh she's REALLY grumpy! Oh I know why! Coz she doesn't eat!"
This of course didn't help my aggravation, but I held it in, and then we all departed and I went home and ate.
I think that I won't eat today, but I don't want to make promises that I can not keep.

In other news, I got into a theatre show I auditioned for! One of the leads :D
Awesome.
We have 2 weeks until we start rehearsing (also meaning costume measurements)
I'd like to have quite small measurements, as I'll be stuck at those. Well, I can't get any bigger or they won't fit. ;)

Oh, and the reason my posts have slowed down - computer is broken.. I have to use mother's.
She's rather stingy with it.
I baked food, chocolate crackles, muffins, sticky buns.. I don't even know why. I really enjoy it.
I try a tiny piece of each but I just give them away.
Oh and I'll be going to Sydney on friday! Seeing my aunty, I bet she'll notice how much thinner I am.

Anyway, byebye :)

:D

1117 calories.
That's how many.
40 minutes walking to the college to do road ready.
40 minutes walking back.
45 minutes walking to dance class.
1 hour and 45 minute dance class.
3 hours and 5 minutes.

What have I eaten??
Nothing.

Food.

I hadn't had ANYTHING more.
And I was definitely not planning to, even those noodles.
And then dinner came and mum said "do you want some?" and I said "no"..
and that was all.
And then she cooked me food, forced me to eat, and watched me and made me finish all of it.
I had to stop myself from crying as I ate.
It was 1 small sweet potato, 1 cob of corn, some sauteed mushrooms and some broccoli..
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I can not stand her, everything I do "rah rah rah". she never shuts up.

Tomorrow, no food.
I just baked some apple cinnamon coffee raisin cup cakes.
I won't eat any.
But I'll give them away.

Noodles?

Packets of food are confusing, I got licorice for my birthday, and I calculated that there is 580 calories in the packet. Considering that I don't even like licorice at all, eating that would be the most pointless stupid thing ever.

So it's going in my silver box.

Last night. Parents. Me. Toblerone.

Parents gave me a toblerone.

I ate all except 3 pieces. Which are now in my silver box.

:( I calculated. 892.5 calories.

Plus the chips and salad = around 500.

1392.5 calories.

ARggggggggalvgnaslghDRH>eskgj;aoepjSRG RAGE!

:(

KAY.

Well today I have had 2 weet bix with 1/4 cup soymilk and half a teaspoon honey = 181 cals

and some bread = 200 cals

so 381 cals so far.

I bought a packet of singapore noodles for dinner.

But they confuse the shit out of me. So the packet says a serving size is 190g, and that there is 351 cals per serving and servings per pack: 1.

And then it says there is 184 cals per 100g, and according to the pack there is 85g per pack.. 158.7 cals per packet.. or 351???

I'm pretty sure its 158.7cals.

WTF?

Yeah. So if I have that, 539.7 cals for the day. I guess it's alright.

10 pounds in 2 weeks

I'm joining that.

I wasn't going to, but I figure I can start being healthy when the weight is gone.

Thoughts.

I didn't tell my friends that I was dieting, not because I was afraid they'd stop me for fear of my "health". But because I was afraid that I would fail, and then they would watch me fail.

So far I have succeeded, and they have noticed on their own.

And they all tell me "Wow, you've gotten so skinny!", but how long are they gonna tell me that?

A month? A week? A day?

Then they'll stop caring. Or they'll probably forget I ever lost weight.

I need to lose more don't I?

Yes.

I'm not even "skinny", I'm regular human being weight. In fact I'm a healthy weight, but I do not feel healthy at all. I feel sick. It's just that compared to the way I used to be, I am skinny..

10 pounds in two weeks?

How I wish I could join.

I want to, oh so badly.

I fear that would make me too sick.

:'(

Crying..

SO I didn't eat all day.

and then dinnertime came, and I decided to have a little.

I got a plate of chips and salad.

I basically just ate salad. A lot of it, and then like 10 chips.

...And then I ran t0 the bathroom, and cried on the floor in the cubicle and tried to purge it out.

And I couldn't.

So I just sat there and cried, and then walked back in to musical, and pretended I was fine.

And then my stomach became VERY bloated, I looked pregnant.

And I got really bad abdominal pain which didn't stop for about 7 hours, this has been happening nearly everytime I eat when I haven't for a while. I got it on thursday night too.

I just looked it up, it's a sign on malnutrition or "anorexia"..

I told my friend (he's a great guy) that my stomach was in serious pain and bloated, and I said something like"I shouldn't have eaten that food".. and he started telling me about how I need to eat more and how my body was probably needing it, sorta like he knows. I don't know why, but he's the only one who's noticed my strange eating habits and obsessions.. hmmm.

I really don't think I can be not eating..

I kinda figured that I would stick with my continuous fasting until it became a problem.. and it has. It's making me sick and in pain.

I've spent more than half the days of the last month not eating..

Anyway..

intake.

5 pancakes

6 biscuits

3 jatz

3 tacos

2 pieces of bread

10 fries

1/2 bowl of pumpkin soup

3 cupcakes

1/2 piece of cake

5 strawberries

1 soy mocha

1 chai tea

4 pieces dark soy chocolate

2 tablespoons peanut butter

Why do I do this?

:(

I'm now on a fast, 2 hours and 3 minutes into it.

It's going to be a 2 day one. I promise that I will stick to it, and not let my will fall, because of hunger. Because I know that hunger is my friend.

Drink green tea with my new teapot and teacup.

Burn incense.

Chew gum.

Deal with it.

Pumpkin Soup.

Birthday! Me!

:)

Wow I'm so happy. Like in general, and for today.

Everything's just wonderful..

So this morning I got up and came downstairs to have blueberry pancakes. So yummy :)

And chai tea.

I opened presents from my parents and then I walked into town (50 minute walk) with one of my friends, to meet two other friends for lunch.

We went to this really cool cafe and I had pumpkin soup, but I only ate about half, my friend finished it.

We walked around town and then we walked back to my house (another 50 minutes) and my friend gave me the cupcakes that she had baked for me! (they were even vegan, and delicious ^_^)

I had like 4 cups of green tea and I went for a 5 minute run. And tonight I have musical (dance, singing, moving around a lot). So no gain, just maintain I believe :) I do not feel full at all. I feel satisfied, and have not gone over 2000.

I got a new camera!! And a teapot and teacup, and gazillions of incense! And alice in wonderland pajamas!

byeeeee.

Why does everyone care so much?

Riiighhht. So, I got to school today and I was wearing a black singlet and a flannie which I haven't worn in a while.

First thing my friend says to me: "Oh my god! When did you get so hot?? You've lost SO much weight!"

And of course that was lovely of her, but then everyone started crowding around me and being like "oh my god, you look so skinny!!"..

I don't like having everyone scrutinizing me, especially when I have so much more to go.

Anyway, after breakfast I had a muesli bar (120), 3 jatz with vegemite (80), chai tea (100), and some bread (200)..

so that's like 700 today.

It would be good, if mum wasn't forcing me to have dinner.

Dinner will be like at the very highest 200 cals, but I think less.

I really want to fast on saturday and sunday, but my stomach is really killing me, I can feel my digestive system kinda being screwed up, so I think I need to eat normally for like a week.

In other news, I got a very long awaited apology (this fight happened about a year ago).

But I'm still very very glad.

I forgot how much I missed being friends with him.

See, lately we've just been talking and then today someone pointed out some of the things he said about me to the two of us. And then he apologised.

Breakfast

3 strawberries - 9 cals

2 weet bix - 109 cals

1/4 cup soy milk - 41 cals

1 teaspoon of honey - 22 cals

= 181 calories

I'm going to stick to 800 calories today.

So that means I still have 619 to go.

I plan on taking a thermus of chai to school.

Half a cup soy milk - 82 cals

1 tablespoon honey - 60 cals

= 142 cals

323 for the day..

What the hell am I supposed to have for lunch?

A peanut butter sandwich is 500 cals, no way am I having that.

3 jatz - 62 cals

vegemite and nuttelex - 20 cals

=82 cals

muesli bar - 140 cals

= 222 cals

545 cals for the day.

that leaves me 255 for dinner..? help.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Oh! I could do that ^^ and then I could have singapore noodles for dinner.

Alright.

The war in my head.

I know that my body needs a break, I can feel the strain that I put on it with the lack of food then the weird binges.. which to a normal person wouldn't be THAT much food(on my binge), but to my stomach, and to my mind is ALOT.

I don't want to eat tomorrow, I really don't.

But I know I should, to maintain some sort of normality..

I can't look at food the same anymore, ever.

I look at it and I have to calculate each calorie in it.

I won't eat it unless I read the packaging first.

But seriously, people eat SO much crap crap crapola.

Today, this chick who's a bit fat (but considered "normal") bought 3 hashbrowns and a donut for lunch. I'm guessing the hash browns were about 150 cals each.

And I read the donut label, 500 cals for the whole thing.

Um, 950 calorie lunch. I wouldn't eat that in a regular whole day.. and it was just EMPTY calories.

Oh dear god I hate empty calories with a passion, they make me angry and hungry which usually makes me more angry.

She could have had like; a peanut butter sandwich, a muesli bar, a punnet of strawberries, a cup of tea (with milk and honey), a packet of instant noodles and a small packet of potato chips for exactly the same calories.

Maybe I'll just have a little bit tomorrow... I don't fricking know.

I think I had like 1800 today, which normally I would be freaking out about ALOT, but I've been dancing all day and I DID actually stop myself and think "am I hungry??" and then I did something amazing, I put the food AWAY.

SHIT richie..

QUOTE: "We all start out life governed by desires and impulses. Unlike the habits, which are passive but lasting conditions, desires and impulses are passive and momentary, but they are very strong. Listen to a child who can’t live without some object of appetite or greed, or who makes you think you are a murderer if you try to leave her alone in a dark room. How can such powerful influences be overcome? To expect a child to let go of the desire or fear that grips her may seem as hopeless as Aristotle’s example of training a stone to fall upward, were it not for the fact that we all know that we have somehow, for the most part, broken the power of these tyrannical feelings. We don’t expel them altogether, but we do get the upper hand; an adult who has temper tantrums like those of a two-year old has to live in an institution, and not in the adult world. But the impulses and desires don’t weaken; it is rather the case that we get stronger."

Shorter choice of quote: "Anyone can have inner beauty. But very few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out."

Happy.

This feels SO weird, I feel like I SHOULDN'T be happy, but I am SO so so so happy.

Everything's just wonderful..

All my friends are at peace.

I'm auditioning for a new show.

I just got a new job.

I've lost 10kg.

It's my birthday in two days.

I'm going to splendor in the grass!!!

I feel like, hey, I'm not meant to be happy unless I'm skinnier. Coz then where's my motivation?

But thing is, I AM happy, but I still want to be happier (lose more..)

I don't know, feeling strange.

Rejection.

Um, stomach pains.

OW OW OW.

thing is, all I ate after the fruit today was a veggie burger, and I got really bad stomach pains, they felt like hunger pain, so I ate more.

But it just didn't help, it made me feel SO sick, like vomiting. I almost went and threw it up, but I didn't.

Fuck, my body is like rejecting food now.

Okay, tomorrow I'm going to eat like a normal human being because my body is really like "wtf!!!!"

Breakfast, lunch, dinner.

:S

I'm scared.

I guess the food today won't really matter too much because of all the dancing I've been doing.

In other news, tonight was opening night. It was pretty fun.

And these two friends (brothers) who I haven't seen in ages came to see it!!!!

I was so happy to see them.

And then I came home and started talking to my best friend on Facebook. And she was all like "I really really love you. I hope you know that, you're just great."

and I was like "woah, wtf. thanks"

It was nice.

I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore..

I ate fruit & veg only today so far and do NOT plan on anything else.

4 apples, 1 small carrot, 1 punnet strawberries and I had green tea and chai tea.

On paper, it looks good. But I don't feel like I'm losing weight with that.

I guess I should be..

Hmmmmm, I wonder if my brain is kinda warped or I've gotten like addicted to the feeling of starving.

Yeah...

Metaphor

I need a good nights sleep.

But while I was trying to sleep I suddenly had the coolest metaphor idea.

Okay, our bodies are like cars, we run on fuel

But not petrol, food.

You wouldn't fill up the tank if it's already full.

So why would you add more food if you already have enough fuel??

Note to self - bring Rhiannon's jeans tomorrow..

58 minutes to go.

Wow, I've never completed a fast before.

Admittedly, this one is shorter than the others, so technically I've gone longer than this fasting.

But I dunno, the feeling of actually accomplishing the goal that I set for myself is amazing.

Okay, so technically I still have 58 minutes left, but I seriously doubt I'm gonna go binge now.

Nor will I when I end it. TWO days on fruit and veggies, bitches.

I added fishies to my page! Down the bottom right hand side.

Each fish represents two kgs lost.

I reckon they're getting lonely, need some more friends ;)

<3

Change is hard.

Okay, weighed myself.
55.8kgs, meaning I'm over my goal weight for my birthday (Friday) by 0.8kg..
:S hope I can do it! Although I actually can't really weigh myself till Sunday, so I get two extra days haha.
It IS more than the last time I weighed myself (54.9kg), by that was at the end of a 5 day fast. What do I expect?

Okay, a few notes for myself.
vege chips - 120 cals per 25g pack
fruit and nut bars - 220 cals >> choc chip muesli bars - 140 cals per bar
regular peanut butter (tbsp) - 165 cals >> health peanut butter (tbsp) - 150 cals
honey - 91 cals per tablespoon

hummus - 27 cals per tablespoon
bread - 80 cals per slice >> pita bread - 100 cals per full pocket (use half pocket)
tortilla - 130 cals >> jumbo taco shell - 90 cals
weetbix - 109 per two
soy milk - 163 cals per cup
vegemite - 9 cals per teaspoon, nuttelex - 31 cals per teaspoon = 40 cals
red bean buns - 240 cals per pun
mi goreng noodles - 390 cals >> singapore instant noodles - 235 cals
with all those changes i put in together, that saves me..

320 cals. awesome.

The Hard Way.

Sometimes I wish this was easier.
But if it was, then EVERYONE would be skinny and hot. And then it wouldn't be so special.
So my quote for the day:
"Of course it's hard. If it was easy then everybody would do it. Its the hard that makes it great."
Btw - It's 6:27pm on the third day of the fast. AND I've succeeded :)

Red Bean Paste Steamed Buns

I've realised something.
My plan (the birthday one) is NOT going to work out.
But I've realised how this is a very positive thing.
Thing is, I don't want to live like this forever, counting EACH and EVERY goddamn calorie and planning EACH and EVERY goddamn meal. Just until I'm down to my happy weight.
I need to have a base knowledge of it, and be able to eat a full day without going over, just maintaining.
So my birthday will be my training.
I'm going to allow myself to eat whatever, but NOT go over, and be AWARE of what I put into my mouth.
MY father is coming over for breakfast and I'm going to be making banana blueberry pancakes (300 cals) and also chai tea. Then after school me and my friends are going to my favourite vegetarian / vegan cafe. They have amazing veggie lentil burgers and sorbet and for ONCE I will just have the veggie burger and finish when I am no longer hungry. :D
What I need to keep in mind is that the point of being good with my food, is NOT so I can binge later and not gain any. It's so I can LOSE. :)

I DID go to the shops today (like I said I would :D), bought two things.
1. Strawberries - damn expensive, but will be delicious and make my two days of only fruit and veg easy.
2. Red Bean Paste Steamed Buns - 240 cals per bun. I dunno, I like, LOVE red bean buns, and they keep in the freezer, so I'll have one every occasion.

I still haven't had the chance to weigh myself! argghh. But I will post when I get the opportunity.

Oh and NEXT time I go to the shops I will get some seaweed and peaches.

<3

One day gone by.. Two days gone by!

Not even hungry.
Already two days have gone by.
One more.
And then I'll spend two days filling the hunger with fruit.
And then it's my birthday - have TOTALLY worked out my birthday meal plan. :)
Birthday Meals
breakfast: 2 weet bix (117) with 1 cup soy milk (132), 1 teaspoon honey (20) and half a banana (52) = 321
lunch: half a peanut butter sandwich (94, 70 = 164), half a vegemite, nuttelex sandwich (34, 70 = 104)
= 268
dinner: 2 tacos with lettuce and bean mix
taco shell (50) x 2 = 100, 50 = 150
739 cals total.
And then that leave room for my birthday vegan muffin, and some snacks :)
Not losing, but it'll be maintenance haa.

I've decided a few odd rules I'm going to stick to, no matter what. They work for me coz they're kind of obscure.
- NO breaking veganism, even things like "whey powder or milk powder"
- 5 Second Rule. lol.
- No buying food (waste of money, bad for my waist) (unless it's things like gum, tea, coffee, apple cider vinegar)

Alright, tomorrow, here's my after-school plan. I don't have any commitments, and my friend's are all busy, so I'm gonna head to the health food store and get A) a good walk and B) some "groceries"
Shopping list: apple cider vinegar, lots of 5 mint gum, 2 punnets of strawberries, 1 mango (if available and cheap), maxwell house (espresso shot in a can, if available)

And so on Wednesday, I shall have a mango for breakfast, and take 3 apples, 2 carrots and 1 punnet strawberries for lunch and snacks.

I'm still quite warm, and I even had a cold shower! Woooo, thankyou metabolism for being kind to me :) annnd today, after that last post people then offered me hot chips, cookie dough, licorice, light and tangy chips.. do they want me to be fat? haha probably not. I doubt EVERYONE I know if secretly meeting together, and bringing food to offer me.

Long Black

It's like 3.30pm, I'm on my 2 & a 1/2 hour break from rehearsal.
I have not eaten today, although mother was rather persistent about it. I don't like wasting food, and I don't like lying. But I have reasons.
At lunchtime, me and a friend ran to the shops, I bought a long black coffee and mint gum. So I got a run in, and got my caffeine hit. :)
I'm not cold at all, actually quite warm. That's good, means my metabolism is still running well.
I need to pee a crapload though haha.
Yeah so today everyone offered me food.
Like some high cal salad, chocolate wafers, skittles, bbq potato chips, sour cream and chives rice crisps, white bread..
I'm awesome though so I was like either "nah, i'm vegan" or "nah i'm full"
Something CRAZY like that.

I did NOT stick to my 7am plan, but can you really blame me?
I only got 3 hours sleep, I'm running on caffeine only.
Byeeeee <3

TOO many posts, haha.

I need chewing gum, shall get it in the morning.
I'll be needing to stock up on mangoes, apples, strawberries, raspberries, celery and carrot - firstly for the two days of living on these foods. And secondly to eat in general. OH and fricking HOT tomato salsa & spiced pumpkin spread for dip with my veggies!! (metabolism boosters both nearly zero cals).. and I NEED to get me some apple cider vinegar.
All week I'm going to be surrounded by people eating bags of chips, bottles of soda (but that's okay coz I hate soda anyway), packets of lollies (gelatin, can't due to moral reasons - vegan :D) and chocolates (nope, vegan), hot chips, pizzas (nope, vegan), snack foods and fried chicken (ew, that's gross anyway).. so basically my only actual threats are the potato / corn / soy crisps, the lollies which fall under the non gelatin category, the crackers or noodles or whatever and the hot chips.
BUT I won't be eating ANY of it.
Sure, it's tempting, but then I think, "wait, food now or skinny later?"
Also, it's NOT like these foods are amazing delicacies being prepared by Jamie fricking Oliver, they're chips.
I'm gonna get plenty of chips in my lifetime, so why now?
There's no reason to now AND there's reason not to, so I won't.
Good pep talk.

Also, my quote of the day!
"Every day that I succeed, I get one day closer to my goal"

Okay so tomorrow's plan - Get up at 7.. if I can. I've gotten hardly any sleep, had too much caffeine.
Jump rope for half an hour in the back yard.
Run down to the shops at 8:15 and get some gum. Have 1 cup of green tea and 1 cup of chai before leaving for school and taking the long route.

Holy Shitsauce

Mountain bread!
Why didn't I think of it before?
It's basically just a wrap, but really low in calories!
Its like 70 calories per wrap. So I could fill it with like whatever salad I want and some pumpkin spread, and have like a hundred cal filling lunch.
And my mum buys it all the time.
WIN :)
Okay, so like rocket lettuce, cherry tomatoes, pumpkin..
and MAN do I need my mum to make roast veggies again! - sweet yam, pumpkin, onion, carrot roasted together and then like salt and pepper and lemon juice on top is delicious.. oh and with a bit of cooked spinach too!

Emotional Eating.

Forgot to blog about this before!
Okay, the other day I was meant to sleep at this friend's house.
She is well known for being unreliable, and cancelling or changing the plans last minute.
Buuuuut, she texts me about 20 minutes before she's supposed to come pick me up, and says she's tired and doesn't feel like so she's just gonna go home and sleep instead.
I was half expecting it, but it made me a little bit sad or disappointed still.. and then I wanted food.
Like, wow. I've never even really noted that feeling before, but I got sad, so I wanted food. I suddenly had this urge to go to the fridge and eat something.
I've read it about, and thought "yeah that's true" but never have I really isolated that feeling.
Of course I didn't eat, good me.
:)

Jamie Oliver On Masterchef!

Oh wow, Jamie Oliver is on masterchef!!!

7:29pm
I'm happy to report that I did not eat, nor was I tempted to.
I didn't look at food and think "yum, chips", I thought "ew, fat"
So that's that. (see, I rhymed)
I had a rehearsal to day, it was boring as all hell, but I guess kept me moving. Everyone there was eating chips, bread, chocolate, lollies.. I did not.

SO after all this time I've finally figured out what really works for me,
green tea for one thing. It makes me not even want food at all.
chai tea, black obviously, no sweetener (still delicious). It makes me A) not want food and B) speeds up metabolism (same for green), so yeah - win
apples - oh my god. so filling and not even hungerfying.
So for the next TWO days, I'm living on tea and water, and jesus christ I'm peeing a lot, I peed like 20 mins ago and now I really needa go again!
And then I'll be living on apples, celery, carrots and tea.. and oh my gosh - berries and mangoes! just thought of that one.
AND then it's my birthday (wooo!). I'll probably have like a cupcake, and a sandwich.
Well, I worked out a plan for my birthday.
Breakfast: 2 weet bix with soy milk, honey and banana (250 cals)
snacks: 1 birthday cupcake (200 cals), 2 apples or more (0 cals), 1 pack vege chips (if hungry, 120 cals), 2 pieces dark soy choc (30 cals)
lunch: 1 peanut butter and honey sandwich (300 cals)
dinner: 2 tacos with lettuce and bean mix (200 cals)
1100 calories total if muffin, chocolate and vege chips are included, they may not be. :)
which would be 350 cals less equalling 750 cals for the day, but still delicious food.
AND THEN, I cut out ALL (well most) carbs, coz carbs = fat.
I'll go protein. So, vegies, peanut butter.. yeahh yeah.
No pasta (not that I ate that anyway)
No cakes (lol neither, well i shouldn't coz im vegan)
No bread (pita bread is alright though)
pshyeah. wish me luck

So it begins..

The three day fast officially started 17 minutes ago.
i'm feeling ready :)
I just downloaded the Karate Kid (original) movie to watch, I've actually never seen it, and considering a new movie just came out, thought I should.
I'm also trying to download my favourite lucasfilm graphic adventure games from the 80s - maniac mansion, loom, zak mckracken, monkey island, indiana jones..
So yeah, anyways, good night / or morning.
<3

Ergggh.

I've grown to HATE the feeling of having food inside of me, I enjoy being pure and clean and empty.
So I'm working out my plans.
Starting tomorrow, I'm going to do a three day fast, for two reasons:
1. To cleanse my body.
2. To drop off the pound or two I KNOW I just gained
I've been with friends, eating. :(
I feel pretty gross right now.
Tomorrow is Sunday, so
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday - water fasting
Wednesday, Thursday - Fruit & Veg only
Friday - my birthday, ehh, birthday crap.
Oh and I think I will fit a salt water flush thing in there somewhere if I can.
Coolies :)

I feel like brutal honesty works for me best, as hard as it is, so I will list all I've eaten over the past two days.
2 bowls of porridge with honey and banana, 2 muesli bars, 1 fruit and nut bar, 1 small packet potato chips, 2 apples, 3 cups of tea with soy milk and honey, 1 small pack of vege chips, potato wedges, 1 vegemite sandwich, 1 vegetable pasty, 1 chai latte-hot chocolate with soy milk, 1 piece cake, 3 cupcakes, half bag potato chips, 1/2 orange, 1 slice watermelon, 3 cookies, 1 mini doughnut, hunk of bread, 1 packet of singapore soft noodles, a gazillion jatzs with pumpkin dip, a spoon peanut butter.
5050 cals for two days.. so like, whale amounts.. is my guesstimate
:(

A Quote I Rather Like:
'Sacrifice is giving up on something for something better.'
- This basically just explains the meaning of the word, yet makes me realise so fricking much. I am NOT being denied something, I'm being giving something better.

I've found a book I actually like reading, that never happens!

It's called 'The Abortionist's Daughter' by Elisabeth Hyde.
I guess I like it coz it's really set minded like me,
the main character / s are atheist, pro choice, they don't frown upon drugs.
It's not that I'm like "errgh i kill babies and hate christians and do drugs all day!"
BUT, I do not believe in god, no offence to those who do. But I believe it's an invention used for people to not have to deal with their own problems.
I believe that abortion should be a choice, because sometimes circumstances really wouldn't be good for a baby to be brought up in and people should get second chances.
And thirdly, drugs are a personal choice, if you wanna do them, fine. Deal with the consequences, make sure you're educated. Others shouldn't judge people for doing them.
So yeah, that's like an 'almost review' of the book :P
byeeeee :)

Hot Chocolate-Chai Latte

Has a large soy milk chai-hot chocolate takeaway. :)
I just realised how different my posts are to most of the "pro whatever"(I really don't know what to call it, always causes conflict) people's posts.
See, most of them are REALLY sad and hateful on themselves, and SOME of mine are like that but most are positive.
See, I don't see the point in losing weight / being thin if in the end all it does is make you unhappy.
I know that not eating enough and being tired can make me really sad and moody, but in the end it does overall make me happier. When I'm maintaining I'm a very happy person.
I just HATE negativity, it seems so unnecessary.
I mean, really, how lucky are we as people??
The other night I had a nightmare;
I was born into an undeveloped country where people are constantly starving (in a REALLY BAD way), everyone has poverty and they have to work all the time and drink muddy water.
It really frightened me, I think when I grow up I really want to do something about it. Never thought I'd be 'that' guy (girl).
Haha, I have strange nightmares, like my nightmares about binging.

Anyway, so today after school I went to my favourite cafe, it is sort of like the cafe of my teenage years. It's very hippie, it's got all these couches and weird artwork. And half of it is a gallery, where local artists display their work.
I intended to go by myself and read this new book I borrowed from my neighbour (she has a massive book collection) but ran into some friends, it was nice.

So today, I had a FOURTH different friend comment on my weight loss, it does make me happy, but then again it makes me think "so you noticed how fat I was?"..

FOOD: So today I decided to eat, I KNOW that when I go to my friend's house tonight I will be eating coz that's the way it works at her's. Everyone always eating there.
I didn't want to be starved.
I snacked all day, on fruit and tea mainly. They fill me up major time.
I don't think I went over 1500 which is maintaining, but not losing :\
Anyways, <3

Cookies? Nah but yeah but nah but yeah but..

People hate to see others succeed where they have failed.
This is why people say "oh that model is WAY too skinny, it's disgusting!", have you ever heard a skinny person say that?
There's NOTHING stopping me, only me. And I can win.
I would rather be skinny and worried about every calorie I eat,
than fat and worried about everything I wear.

So, I know I'm on alternate day fasting, and tomorrow is SUPPOSED to be an eating day, but I'm having a tough time working out whether or not to eat tomorrow.
I AM feeling hungry, but I see that as a positive thing.
Hunger = good.
I'll be sleeping at a friend's house tomorrow night, with another friend.
We'll be baking cookies, but I can always use the "I'm vegan" excuse to not eat them.
It's just, if I don't eat all day, it may be too hard to resist and I may eat more than I should.
SO I have to make my assessment in the morning and STICK with it.
:(
I don't mind feeling hungry, it's just when I start to get energy loss and coldness and grumpyness, that's when I feel I need to eat.
I'll report back.


OHmagodz, I FOUND a place where I can buy Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (I live in Australia, so it's rare). holy sweet crap! they are like my most fave thing (if you've read the rest of my blog you know I am totally obssessed with peanut butter, which I suppose is better than an addiction to like.. macca's fries (ew).. maybe it's craving protein coz I don't eat meat.. So, in a way, this is good.. and bad. Reese's are 36 cals each, so that's 72 cals per lil pack thing. They could be a snack?
Over & Out.

Skeleton, you are my friend..

It's raining today.. I love the rain so so so much.
It makes me happy, coz today my high is gone, and i'm feeling a tad guilty, but i'm still feeling overall a happy person..
It's about 9:25pm and I have NOT eaten, and won't. Loads of temptations, but nope.
Mum's being really pushy about me eating, it's getting on my nerves.
So today I've had these things offered:
toast, nut bar, mueslie bar, noodles, hash browns, raspberry licorice bullets, coloured popcorn, hot chips, subway, cookies..
People just keep shoving food in my face!
Silly.

Oh, and my new job is a definite! That's 5 dollars more per hour than i get now, and FREE COFFEE. :D

Anyways, I'm made a list of my fave 'thin' songs. (Even though some aren't actually related to it, they remind me of it)
skeleton song - kate nash
the fear - lily allen
creep - radiohead
paper bag - fiona apple
SO yupp.
Au revoir :)

Abort! Abort!

When I got up this morning, I had a MASS amount of energy, it was kind of insane. I was just so hyper. I got to my first class, and kept talking and laughing and smiling and I wasn't cold at all, I was WARM.
To be honest, it's the happiest I've been all week. I loved the feeling and everyone noticed and was like like "wow you're so energetic and happy today".

I did plan on not eating today. BUT I really didn't want to kick the energy while it was so high. Because it just was such a good feeling, euphoria.
So I snacked all day basically. But made sure I didn't "binge", but maintained.
1 apple, 1 banana, 1 mandarin, 25g vege chips, a hunk of bread, a lot tea and a shitload of water - over the course of the whole day.
AND I'M SO FUCKING FULL. My stomach must have major shrunk, coz I feel like that one time at christmas when I was younger when I totally just ate until I couldn't move.

Ooh, storytime!
So, I used to eat ALOT. And when I say alot, I mean it. I wasn't the fat kid, or even the chubby kid. I was the "normal" girl with some meat. You know?
And I never really felt what hunger was, I just ate because I liked food.
But, then I realised what food is. FUEL. That's all. That's exactly what it's made for. And people in this society just gorge themselves on everything.
And when you go hungry, and you GET food, you learn how to control it, because you REALISE how much you need to keep yourself energised and not feeling disgusting.

BUT of course I'm not done. I think I've gotten enough energy to keep me going, so tomorrow is DEFINITELY a non eating day, no matter what. That's a promise to me, and whoever may be reading this blog (that's right.. you..).

I've had 3 different friends tell me lately that I'm getting skinnier, I like that..

TTYLATERZ.

The Plan, Bro.

Okay. my plan!
Well, when I don't eat enough I get REALLY cold and grumpy and tired and bitchy.
So i'm going to do alternate day fasting because I think that works really well for me.
So today is a non eating day, and tomorrow might be aswell, just to make up for last night's binge, but up until my birthday that is how it shall roll. and I shall have TWO meals on eating days, to keep me going, small of course, but it'll kick my metabolism's up the butt. :D

I don't even enjoy food that much anymore.
I used to love it, food was great, now it just makes me feel sick and guilty.

I just had the coolest idea, but it's actually really lame.
OKAY so today is day
ONE, ah ah ah.
(guess who I am)

<3

Nacho Cheese - Vego Rant

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
hahahahahhaa..
anyway.

Today, at rehearsal (musical production), the director brought about 5 bags of nacho cheese doritos for the cast to share, of course I didn't have any (what am I, crazy?) but I want to make people think that I want some but can't because of veganism.
So I turned to my friend, and I said "dammit, why do they have to be CHEESE flavoured?" and then this guy, who was there was like "yeah well you're vegan" (in an insulting tone) and I replied and said "Yeah well you're asian.." and he says "So, have you got a problem with that?" and I said "No, do you have a problem with me being vegan?" and he said "Yes. You're not actually helping animals at all, we're meant to eat meat," I said, "Oh, I didn't realise we were still cavemen and had to hunt for our food to SURVIVE, oh WAIT, we don't do that, we mass produce animals, treat them terribly, and slaughter them," and then he got into a massive argument with me about it.
Okay, it's NOT that I like preaching to people about it. But when somebody BRINGS IT UP and then argues against me, that pisses me off. Why should they care, I'm not trying to make them be vegan am I? Actually it was pretty much just plain rude.
I have plenty of good reasons to be vegan or at LEAST vegetarian.

If you don't care about animals being slaughtered, then at least take these into consideration. (These are some of my best facts)

- Over 1.3 billion people could be fed each year from the grain and soybeans that go to feed livestock in the United States alone. If no one ate meat, the entire population of the United States could be fed highly nutritional vegetarian diets with enough food left over to feed one billion people elsewhere. In a world where millions of people die each year of starvation, this type of food excess and inefficiency is considered by many to be unethical.

- Length of time world's petroleum reserves would last if all human beings ate meat-centred diet: 13 years
Length of time world's petroleum reserves would last if all human beings ate vegetarian diet: 260 year

-Number of acres of U.S. forest which have been cleared to create cropland to produce a meat-centred diet: 260,000,000
Amount of trees spared per year by each individual who switches to a pure vegetarian diet: 1 acre

- User of more than half of all water used for all purposes in the United States: Livestock production

Dairy:
- At 2 years of age, a young female cow is impregnated. When her calf is born he is taken away within 24 hours of birth and usually killed before he is even five days old. The mother is left grieving for her lost calf, whilst her milk, which nature intended for her baby, is milked from her body to go to supermarket shelves.

She is then reimpregnated 6-9 weeks later, and this cycle continues until she can no longer produce enough milk to be considered a ‘profitable unit’. Then, she too is killed.

For the dairy industry, calves are nothing more than a ‘by-product’ of forcing the mother to produce milk. Every year up to 1 million calves are killed as ‘waste-products’ from the dairy industry.

- A cow’s natural lifespan is 25 years, but cows used by the dairy industry are killed after only four or five years.

Links
Cruelty to Dairy Cows
Vegetarian Statistics

Whale.

Okay okay okay.
So I binged, yeah, I know. But you have NO IDEA how hungry I was, my stomach was full but my body just NEEDED more energy. I was crazy.
And I did feel really bad about it, but I don't really anymore.
I no longer feel freezing cold all the time, while everyone else is fine. I'm actually quite warm.
For the past few days I've been grumpy at everyone. And being a bit of a bitch.
I've been so tired that I fell asleep in school.
My heart goes crazy when I STAND UP.
And I've been freezing.

Now, I feel so much better, I'm warm, calm and energized.
So hopefully this binge won't set me back too far and will end up being a good thing as I suppose my metabolism will get quite a kick.
:\

10 days till my birthday! :D
But also, ten days to reach my goal: 55kg
and I know that I reached it last time I posted my weight, but I believe a lot of it was water weight, I've gotta maintain it.

Fuck.

Okay, sorry for swearing.... someone..
Um, that food that my mother made me eat set me REALLY hungry. So, I'm going to make my limit 1000 cals for the day. Because I really need some food to give me some energy.
Aside from the earlier listed, I've had 30 cal cup of tea, 2 crackers (30 cal) and a tim tam (90 cals) so that sets my total to 800 calories. 200 left.
WHAT TO SPEND IT ON?
Wow I feel like I'm on a shopping spree. hahaha.
<3

Nightmares..

To anyone normal, my nightmares would seem really really strange.
In my dream, it started that I had one of the black forest tim tams, but then I just kept eating them until I was completely fat and sick. I woke up feeling guilty, until I realised it was just a dream.
I seem to get these a lot lately (I mentioned one on an earlier blog)..

So, my friend who is currently doing a CIT course (sort of like university - which in America is reffered to as college) in hairdressing, needs some hair models, to do things with their hair. She wants to dye me hair! But I've never had my hair dyed before - scary! But I'd like to, I really think I need a change. It'll be good. I'm gonna go for a dark brown red (my hair is already brown).
:)

I have a few techniques that I like to use when I'm tempted by food.
1. I think of how, I'm only going to be hungry again in a few hours
2. If the food is just junk, how I'm not even going to be filled, unless I gorge on it
3. How proud of myself I will be when I don't take it
4. How far I've come
AND 5. How the taste will only last a few seconds, and I can easily pretend to myself that I did get to taste it recently.

THE HOT WATER IN MY HOUSE IS BROKEN.
I want a shower! I feel gross and groggy. And it's winter, a nice hot shower would be good..

Haha, so now I'm watching Pokemon, jeeze I haven't watched this since I was like 10.
It's great.

Okay, so today my juice fast went well. :) I ran out of juice and was all like "Oh nos!"

BUT THEN. I got home, and mum offered dinner, I said no, but she got REALLY angry, and forced me to eat, in fact she watched me.
So I had a piece of bread with 1 tablespoon peanut butter and some blackberry jam, about 200 cals.
So for today that is 650 calories :( :( :(

Black Forest Tim Tams

You don't understand how happy I am!
So, I JUST got the chance to weigh myself.
AND I'm down 3.3kgs (7.36lbs)! That makes me 54.9kgs (120.78lbs)! That's another goal reached, except that I know some of it is just water weight, so I'll weigh myself in another week and see what I'm up to. I again weighed myself with clothing on, and it was 56.7kg, which is what I was about a week and a half ago, scantily clad.

I nearly fainted about 3 times today.
First time - I got up to go downstairs, walking at a regular pace, a few steps down everything started to "blackout". I couldn't see ANYTHING at all, and I fell backwards, lying on the steps. My vision returned, but I had to sit on the steps for about 2 minutes because my heart was beating REALLY fast.
Second time was at my next door neighbour's house, I got up to get a glass of water, and started "graying out" in the kitchen.
Third time was only minor, and was just standing up quickly.

I don't think this is a good thing, and I think my body is telling me to end this fast because my hunger returned today for a bit. And also the almost fainting.
SO, tomorrow I'm going to drink my 750ml bottle of Nudie juice.
You're meant to end fasts with juice, or juice fast.
Depending on how I feel the next day, I'll either get more juice, or I will water fast again.

I'm not trying to be unhealthy, in fact, I'm fasting for health reasons (with the added bonus of losing weight).
Here's a fasting website: Fasting Health Benefits

BUT, I think considering actually how healthy my diet is, and how much exercise I do, I guess there's not a lot to clear out of my system.

OKAY. When I came home from my neighbour's house. I found that my mum had brought home BLACK FOREST TIM TAMS and chocolate wafers from her meeting! And yes, I do know that I'm a vegan. But I've been known to break it occasionally (Can you really blame me with that??). For example, the other night I had a sleepover (with a few other girls) at one of my best friend's houses, and ALL she eats is junk food. She's not skinny, but she's happy and boys love her. God I'm jealous of her, she also has the family I want so badly. Anyway, we had nachos, milo (I used soymilk, but it has milk powder in it), chocolate chip cookies (SO GOOD) and pizza.
BUT, I didn't have any of the tim tams or the wafers! (yay me)
The weight I had just seen on the scale kept appearing in my mind. Also, you gain weight if you break a fast badly, and chocolate is DEFINITELY bad for breaking a fast.
Last time I fasted, my mum had noticed my lack of food, she brought home noodles from the chinese restaurant, she would not leave me alone until I ate some. I got terrible stomach pains from that.

Anyways. Ta ta <3

Snap Snap

So today my friend wanted to do a photoshoot with me (eek).
It was alright, just my own clothing, but to be honest most of my clothing is hand-me-downs, and I refuse to buy new clothes until I'm thinner. Considering that the LAST time I bought jeans was about a month and a half ago, and they already fall of me, it just seems pointless.
It was SO freezing cold, and she was quite unprepared, oh wells.
I got really weak and tired, fasting will do this to you. I go through stages of plenty of energy and then stages of complete exhaustion.
Depending on how I feel when I wake up, I may finish the fast on juice. I bought a large Nudie juice, which has no added chemicals or anything, it's plain juice with less than 400 cals for the whole bottle. And is delicious. I put it in the fridge, I hope my mum doesn't drink it, I made her promise not to, but she always does.

Easter story
Like one time, at Easter, she bought me a chocolate nougat filled egg. I ate about a third of it and put it in the fridge for later. And when I came back, it was gone because she "got hungry".

Muffin Story
AND oh my god, this actually infuriates me, the other day I baked my banana muffins.
I had three, and allowed my mother to have three. I saved two for my next door neighbours, who are like family to me, and the rest for my friends at school.
When I went to take my neighbours muffins, they weren't home, so I put them on a plate and told my mum to take them over there while I was at school. I forgot about it for about two days, and then I was at my neighbours and asked if they liked the muffins and they had no idea what I was talking about, turns out my mum decided to eat them both coz she was "hungry" at 10pm and according to her, there was no other yummy food in the house.

I don't want to be mean, but it is SO annoying living with a slightly overweight person. Because everytime I buy or cook a food for myself, there's no way to stop her eating it, so I have to get there first, resulting in me overeating.

Back to my weight, I STILL haven't weighed myself, although I can feel a difference, which I'm happy about.
Foods I've been offered today which I've avoided (and trust me, with the hunger pains i'm having, it was bloody difficult):
Porridge, honey soy milk tea, hot chocolate, coffee, hot chips, chickpea salad, vegetable soup, pasta.

One last thing, I'm gonna start making yam (sweet potato, I prefer the word yam.. or maybe SWEET yam) wedges instead of potato, I used to eat a lot of potato, I think I'm gonna lay off that. :)

Anyways,
Ciao <3

Teacup.

My parents want to know what I would like for my birthday.
There's so many things that I want right now.
I want to be thin.
I want to be a great dancer.
I want to pass school.
I want to keep this great job.
But nothing they can do.
So I've asked for a teacup, I love tea, I drink it all the time, and I love teasets.
:)

I also asked for a professional massage thing, and some dark almond soy chocolate (which I will savor) and new clothing!

4 days.

12:00am
That's 4 days of fasting. This is becoming SO much easier.
I can feel myself being slimmer, nowhere near my goal, but I know that I will make it.
I have faith in me.
My old jeans fit again, just a bit tight (I like them to be sort of loose).
My old dress shows NO bulge around my stomach anymore.
I haven't had the chance to weigh myself, but I think that's good. Otherwise I'll do it too much, probably get it done tomorrow night.
I can't WAIT to go shopping and getting hot, expensive, tiny outfits that will look amazing when I have a flat, toned stomach, and stick legs.
<3

tiiiired

I walked to work (50 min walk), seriously THE most tiring experience ever, my heart was beating superfast when I got there. Normally I'd be fine, I guess it's the lack of food.
Anyway, made it through work, and made it through most of this day and have not eaten!
Woo! I will be so proud of myself if I can accomplish this. THAT INCLUDES the afterfast program.

There's quite a few foods that have always hated or disliked, which everyone else seems to love. I think I count myself lucky.
All meats, eggs, mayonnaise, soft drinks, donuts, a lot of different flavours of chips.

Foods tempting me but I avoided today:
Subway fresh cookies, I had to bake these ALL day, I could smell them.
Subway veggie patties, mmmmmm.
Peanut butter, as usual.
Waldorf salad, mum made some and was being really annoying about me eating some.
popcorn, mum made that too.
:)

I've finally worked out my plans

12:02am
And the fourth day begins! That's 3 days of fasting so far. 7 more to go.

MEALS
Breakfast:
porridge with honey and banana, cup of tea with soymilk and honeym two slices raisin bread / jam or honey on toast, 1 cup of nutri-grain / rice bubbles with soymilk
Lunch:
vegan coconut milk curry, vegetable soup, tofu stir fry, peanut butter sandwich on wholegrain bread or a light bagel with honey or jam, tacos, vege burgers, vegetable laksa, avocado sushi - 2 rolls, salad with apple cider vinegar and sunflower seeds, OR snacks combined
Snacks:
dried banana, fruit and nut bar, vege chips multi pack, apple, carrot sticks and seaweed rice crackers with hummus, bag of cereal, popcorn, licorice
Drinks:
peppermint tea, green tea, black tea /chai tea with soymilk and honey, strawberry and apple juice, chocolate soymilk, hot chocolate, chai latte
Treats:
soy ice cream, dark soy chocolate, vegan banana muffins, vegan pancakes, corn chips and salsa

Okay. So when I've completed my fast, I need to structure myself so I won't be binging my heart out.
Remember - You DON'T want to undo all the hard work you just put in. And your digestive system will be like a baby's. You need to be gentle with it. So, stick to the 5 day plan listed in the blog earlier. But after that, I need structure.
So I think what works well for me is on-off fasting. (One day eating, next day - not)
What the hell do people even need dinner for?
It's crazy.
So, then two weeks with the on-off fasting, and then I think I'll go into small portion meals everyday from the list above.
:)

Yeah yeah

"These are my rules:
No animal products - vegan. ~
Eat every OTHER day (no food for you tomorrow). ~
On eating days - only ONE meal, and in front of people.
No eating while at work. ~
Don't buy food - it's a waste of money. ~
No food after 5pm.
GO TO DANCE CLASS. ~
GO TO YOGA."
- It's been a week today since I posted that, I thought I'd make note of what I stuck to. So things with a '~' next to them, I've stuck to.
5/8 - not too bad.

I think i'm experiencing hunger pain. Like, the feeling of hunger is just sort of your body calling you and being like "yo, feed me!"
But this is actually painful in my stomach. I like the pain, it means my fat will be gone.

MY friend told me that she can really see my weight loss yesterday, she said I look really good and hot. She's awesome and I'm glad. Of course I'm not done.

Is it wrong of me to enjoy watching others eat because it makes me feel strong? I hope not. At first, it was difficult watching them eat, I wanted to as well. "Why do THEY get to eat???" But then I looked at them and realised that they are paying the price, they have too much fat on their bodies. They say that hunger AND desire for food goes away after the third day of fasting. Well, I think mine's gone because food is not interesting me. AT ALL.

You know what I do, when I want food? I smell the cookie jar, the smell is delicious, and it's like getting high off it. I did that last night too, with the chips my friend's were eating, I just smelt them.

These are the foods that seem to control my binging. I ALWAYS binge on these..
Okay:
Peanut butter, Bread, Chips, Soy ice cream

Wow, writing this list made me realise how many foods I actually refuse to touch.
For one thing, I'm vegan, so that cuts out a shit load.
But I absolutely REFUSE deep fried food, pastas / pizzas and soft drink of any kind.

I had a dream last night, that the hunger overcame me, and that I binged on heaps.
Then I woke up and I was really worried until I realised that I was okay. It scared me.
:D

Just to make note.

So, i need to end this fast properly.
Slowly get myself back on eating, the same as how I slowly got myself off eating so much. and I need to structure this, or I won't stick to it.
Day 1, 2 (*AF) - Juice. Any type; strawberry and apple, nudie juices. JUST JUICE.
Day 3 - Raw vegetables and fruit - apples, carrots, celery
Day 4 - Incorporate more - salad with dressing & Avocado & seeds, veggie soup
Day 5 - Peanut butter (natural) sandwich, porridge. (MY BIRTHDAY!! :D)
Honestly, I fricking love peanut butter A LOT.
It's amazing.
Truly.
<3

*After fast

PERSISTENT MUCH?

So far, so good.
Okay, so I started this fast on Thursday, of course my friends forced me to eat that tiny crumb of cake. So technically fast began yesterday.
I DID NOT EAT YESTERDAY OR THE DAY BEFORE :D
It's now 2:42 and I have not eaten.
I swear my friend's are trying to make me fat.
She insisted we go to maccas and questioned me not getting anything.
Then, we went to her house, and her mum made pizza for dinner.
I told her that I'd eaten at home, and of course I told my mother that I ate at my friend's house (ha).
BUT people are so goddamn insistent on me eating, jesus christ.
Like, why do I need food so that we can watch movies and sleep?
Nobody NEEDS energy to do that, and besides, I have all the energy I need already hanging off my body.
So then my friends (there were 3 of us), bought two large packs of chips.
It was dark so I just reached into the packet, rustled my hand around to make it seem like I'd eaten some. Good, they seemed to think I had.
AND THEN, in the morning, my friend insisted on making pancakes even after I'd said "I really can't be bothered"
So she did, but luckily I got out of eating them without her questioning it.
And now I'm home. I took a fruit and nut bar from the cupboard when I came home. I made sure my mother saw, and it's now sitting in my room with the other fruit and nut bars.
NOT TOO LONG TO GO :)

FREEZING

Okay, i think not eating makes me really really cold, because all my friends thought today was nice, and i was dying with cold.
I have not eaten today (yay!). Awesome.
But, i'm feeling very weak, i will not give in, but i really can not wait till the first few days of this are over.
:)

12:02

And so it begins. No more food until the Monday, the 21st of June.

I have an urge to do sit ups.

EW, cake

Okay, shit I post a lot.
Anyway, I KNOW I said that my fast would be for about 2-3 days, but I've read this article on the health benefits of fasting, and how if I can make it through the first 3 days, I stop wanting food at all and don't feel hunger.
So, 10 days is the recommended, that's what I'll do. Unless I feel I need to continue, then I will.
My mother would NEVER EVER EVER approve. SO I have to hide this well.
HOPE I CAN MAKE IT WITHOUT BEING FORCED TO EAT.
I'm going to start the fast officially tomorrow, because today my friend's all forced me to eat a tiny piece of cake, and WATCHED ME CHEW.
I then spat it out when they weren't looking, but still. It counts with a fast.

So my techniques,
cook some porridge, dirty some dishes, take & hide fruit and nut bars in silver box, take packed lunch and give away, eat OUT, take money for food, spend time in the kitchen.
PLEASE WORK.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
OKAY, it's 11:50, fast begins officially in 10 minutes.
:D

RIBS RIBS RIBS

Okay, so what's my favourite part of the human body. THE RIBCAGE.
I love the ribcage. It's beautiful, and you can't even see it on most people.
Not me either :(
I want my ribcage to be there, shown, touchable.

Okay, so when I think about it, I have SO much food, and it's all hanging off my body.
Why the hell do I ever get hungry?
Whenever I want food, I just think "Wait, that would just be adding to the mass amount you already have waiting to be eaten"
And so now, I'm ALWAYS eating, but it's my flesh :D

ONLY ONE MORE HOUR TILL TOMORROW.
I fasted all day successfully, and I WILL have the same success tomorrow.

Also, I just weighed myself, but I have my period and am wearing more clothing.
58.2kg
Still nowhere near my goal. BUT I AM NEVER GOING TO 60 AGAIN!

Better..

Today was a lot better, I ate nothing and drank two cups of green tea.
Tomorrow will most likely be a challenge, but one that I know I can do.

If you're at home and are thinking about eating, wash ALL the dishes, this way you won't want to dirty any dishes.
I JUST DID. and it works, aside from the snack foods that my house likes to hold.

2-3 Day FAST

I want to feel my ribs, without lying down. I want them to be clearly felt, no disgusting fat hanging off them.
I don't NEED food, I have so much energy clinging to my body already.
I want my size 11 jeans to fall off me, I want my size 10s to be loose!
I want to be the hot thin waitress working at the cafe.
I want my arms to be toned, and thin. And I want my collarbones to have real definition.
I CAN ACHIEVE THIS, and I know it.
BY MY BIRTHDAY - size 10
BY SPLENDOR IN THE GRASS - size 8
today, I go to the gym.
This post marks the beginning of a 2-3 day fast, depending on how well I can not eat in front of others.
Over & Out.

FAT = ME

after that, I had 2 MORE pieces of bread with peanut butter and jam :S and then some rice crackers and carrots with hummus, and two tacos, and bowl of pasta, and a weird hot choc thing, and a chai latte.
NOOOOOOOOO. that's like.. 2000 calories today.
gross. i'm gonna pay for this.
Tomorrow i'm doing a free class at the gym, called 'BodyAttack'. Should be good.
I swear the gym guy was hitting on me.
RULES BROKEN:
no food after 5pm
no dairy
no more than one meal on eating days
:( :( :(
I didn't eat because I was craving it or whatever, it was pure hunger, my stomach, my body, my energy calling me. What I need to remember is the amount of energy I already have stored on this body. Also coz i got free chai at work.
I think I've developed a lactose intolerance, coz the milk in the chai made me feel sick.

intake.

I've kind of had a lot today. But I think it's okay because I start work tonight, and NEED energy. Also, I'm sick. I won't recover while starving.
So I've had:
Hot choc (80 cals), 2 cups tea with soymilk and honey (100 cals), salad (100 cals), Fruit english muffin (200 cals), Piece of bread with peanut butter and jam (150)
so that's 630. yikes.

Hot Chocolate.

I post here WAY too much. Oh well, it keeps me on track.
Okay, so today is an eating day, it's 11:03am, and so far I've fake consumed a bowl of porridge.
I HAVE had a hot chocolate, but i put in a minimal amount of the powder, mixed mainly with hot water, and added a little soymilk at the end. I'd say there was like 80 cals in that.
I'm not at school, as I'm sick. I hate being sick, but school isn't fun either. It's a mixed bag. I tried to go for a walk to get some exercise, but mum yelled at me about it and got really suspicious. May I just say, WTF.
So I plan on having a salad which I put in the fridge at about 1pm. I feel hungry, but that is a good thing.
Also, I tried on my "thin" jeans, and I can zip them up now (before I couldn't get them over my thigh, EW) and they sit quite nicely, just a lil tight, but that will soon be fixed. My current jeans are seriously hanging off me. They look weird coz there's way too much material.
DONE. :)

Just One More..

I JUST got the chance to weigh myself, 56.7kg. Woooo!
:)

I also just went grocery shopping with mother, just for a few things.
I swear she's trying to fatten me up.
She bought a brand of vegan timtam things.
I didn't eat any, i pretended to, i took one and crumbled it on the yard.
And then she kept insisting i need dinner, of course i refused. And she cooked pasta which i did not have any of.

I got her to buy hot choc powder, which I think is alright in fact. I will mix it mainly with hot water, and a dash of soymilk for taste. (about 50 cals a cup). and have it once a day when i start upping my intake, or a cup of tea with soymilk and honey.

So what I've had offered today that i have resisted:
Porridge (200), cream cheese & sweet chilli sandwich (330), fruit and nut bar (200), salad (100), 4 vegan tim tams (360), pasta (400)..
1610 calories altogether. :D

ANOTHER POST

just must write down a few things.

PEANUT BUTTER - But it from health the food store! the natural one. Commercial brands actually take away the peanut oil (to sell) and replace it with hydrogenated vegetable oil (which is bad for weight loss), ew. and they add a ton of sugar and salt, about 25% of it the peanut butter is sugar and salt.

COOKING - I adore cooking, too bad it means eating too! so i think i'm going to bake muffins / whatnot. and tell my mum i want to give some for friends, so i'll take some "for me" as well, but just give them out. I will be making chai tea though, as it is basically calorie free, and ginger and cinnamon are weight loss aids. too bad i don't like it without soymilk or honey. This is my fave recipe:
http://www.chai-tea.org/rec/rec104.html

Things i NEED to have:
green tea, chai ingredients, salad ingredients, apple cider vinegar (weight loss aid), shirataki noodles (zero calorie noodles, flavourless but take on flavour of anything cooked with), miso soup.

FOODS i love a lot but can't have too often:
Porridge, peanut butter, vege burgers, soy icecream (although tons better than regular icecream, calorie wise, like a third less cals), homemade coconut milk curry, avocado sushi.

I will not reward myself with any of this until i reach my ultimate goal weight.
MY GOALS:
58kg (done)
55kg - a flower
53kg - a new book
50kg - new clothing
45kg - one binge day, after a week of maintaining. the foods listed above.
and then perhaps a 3 day fast.

tomorrow's plan. STICK TO IT

Okay. i really do have to plan, otherwise i go overboard.
SO tomorrow is an eating day, unfortunately, my friend has made vegan muffins and will insist on me having one.
i plan on having the following:
a salad with vinegar.
green tea
the muffin or maybe just half
whatever coffee / whatnot they give me at work

i was hoping i could make my meal a porridge (i loooove porridge), but with all that, i can't.
unfortunately can't for friday either, as i'm staying at a friend's house. and knowing her, we will be eating TONS of junk, and drinking most likely.
but on sunday, i'll see how i go :)

so far, so good.

4pm.
i've had two cups of green tea today, and that is all.
i'm going to keep it that way. maybe another cup.
today is a non-eating day.
i have yoga later tonight. should be good.
i made a tiny bit of porridge and left it in the pot to make it look like i'd eaten it..
and mum made me a cream cheese sandwich, so i went for a 20 minute walk and picked at it, dropping pieces along the way.
cool.

oh, and the last time i weighed myself was on Sunday, two days ago.
i was 58.3kg, hopefully it's gone down since then.

Vegan Banana Oat Honey Muffins

Um, vegan muffin recipe i sorta made. :)

3 large bananas, mashed
2/3 cup honey
1/3 cup oil
1 1/4 cups of self raising flour
1 teaspoon cinammon
1/2 cup oats
100g dark soy chocolate, chopped - or walnuts (optional)

1. preheat oven moderate, grease muffin tray.
2. mix oil and honey in a bowl till smooth
3. add mashed bananas and stir
4. add oats and mix
5. add sifted flour and cinnamon, mix well
6. add chocolate / walnuts.
7. bake for 20-30 mins.

they taste awesome :)

doin' alright.

so, today was an eating day.
but i kept it small. i had:
one honey oat slice,
one fruit and nut bar
and a cup of tea with soymilk and honey.

and i went to two dance classes, it's alright..

BRILL

i've stuck to it.
i have not eaten a morsel all day.
i have had two cups of green tea, and a tonload of water.
i walked for 1.5 hours.
YAY.
tomorrow, two dance classes!
AT THE MOST - one salad, maybe not.

Here's all the food i have been offered free today.
Subway sandwich
subway cookies
Turkish bread and dip
chocolate
lollies
lemon, lime & bitters
a bowl of pasta

and i turned it all down!! :D

:(

I feel so awful.
I'm fat.
And horrible.
I hate myself.
I need to be 45 kilos.
I'm going for a run.

These are my rules:
No animal products - vegan.
Eat every OTHER day (no food for you tomorrow).
On eating days - only ONE meal, and in front of people.
No eating while at work.
Don't buy food - it's a waste of money.
No food after 5pm.
GO TO DANCE CLASS.
GO TO YOGA.
fuck i'm horrible.

current stats - 59 kilos. 165 centimetres.