Splendor mother.. yeahs!

Intake:
cereal + chia + strawberries + soy milk - 120
miso soup - 30
bagel + jam + peanut butter - 390
strawberries - 30
sweet potato + corn - 100
corn thins - 100
= 770
Ah what?
no way. I am really bad at counting, I still thought it was higher.
Anyway - tomorrow morning I leave for SPLENDOR, I won't be updating till then.
I am so pumped! I actually got really excited about making a meal plan for while I'm there. Except I know I'll be eating mostly from food stalls and stuff. So I packed my lite soy milk (60 cals a cup) my low cal cereal (54 cals a cup) some rice cakes (20 each) and some pureed fruit cups (80 each).
So goodbye!! :)

*updated - I ate a piece of choc and more corn thins so I'm at like 900 now.

I still can't decide?

I did eat lunch - I had a cup of miso soup, a bagel and some strawberries.
Some my calorie count for the day is 650.
It's like 7pm.
Ahhh. I don't know. Should I? Should I not?
What.. the.. shit?
I don't really want to, but I feel it necessary or something.
Yeah I'm just frustrated.

On another note, I went skating with said boy. It was fun, a tad boring. But I think we burned a lot of calories hahahaa.
Yeah.
Okay, bubye :) <3

What to do?

Ah shit.
Right now it's like 1:33pm and I've had 200 calories (my new cereal and an apple).
This cereal stuff is good. Not like really tasty or anything. But it's good with strawberries and soy milk and only 54 calories.
I want to eat lunch (sort of), I'm having a hard time deciding whether or not to. I'm a little bit hungry, but in a way that I can control. And if I did, what would I have?? What if I get hungry later?? WTF.
I keep going to the kitchen, opening the pantry and staring at the food for a while, and coming back with green tea or ice water (burns 8 calories a glass). Jeeze decisions are not my vice.. (I'm not even sure if I just used vice in the right context)
I was thinking soup - but then I thought, that's not really gonna fill me, might waste my calories. But then I thought; miso soup (30 cals)..
I was also thinking a bagel, they have like 12g of protein (that's quite a bit).. and they're filling, but they're like 300 calories for one.
Maybe maybe maybe.
Dammit.
What if I don't eat now, and I get super hungry later - and then eat too much? Or what if I don't reach my calorie mark? I actually really want to stick to it.
AHHH.

I ask him very nicely if he'd like a cup of tea.

Spelt with chia and berries - 120

pureed apple and blackcurrant cup - 80

pb&j sandwich - 290

mandarin -20

apple - 70

2 corn cakes - 40

= 620

That is not an actual intake btw - but a plan for tomorrow. I'm going out with this boy tomorrow though, I think we'll be eating. So I'm leaving space and shit. BUT on the plus side, we will be going skating too (burning calories).

God it's actually hard to eat as many calories as I should, because the changes are slow and I don't feel that emptiness I want. I KNOW that I need to eat a low normal amount.

I feel this way because of a few things.that I have learned:

Metabolism WILL slow down and hold onto if your calories go too low - things like the ABC diet don't work. It can permanently damage your metabolism. I was told about someone who starved themselves in college and now has to workout a shit load and eat a small number of calories because the body is fucked up. I DON'T want to be eating nothing but miso soup and berries and puffing it at the gym for the rest of my life. SO I'm going up to like 1200 calories a day.
-The heart needs 12% of the calories (144 cals)
-The kidney needs 12% of the calories (144 cals)
-The Liver needs 23% of the calories (276 cals)
-The brain needs 23% of the calories (276 cals)
-The skeletal muscle needs 30% of the calories (360 cals)

Another Reason - You lose half muscle / half fat if you try and lose too quickly. I don't want to lose my muscle, muscle burns more calories and you look better.

My other reasons - I binge if I restrict too much, and that never gets me anywhere. and I don't enjoy feeling sick and cold all the time.
Anywho, that's my choice - anything anyone else chooses is fine, and I support you :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RgOm_WJKpE&feature=avmsc2
Man, she's cool :)

Cereal is cool.

cereal - 220
apple mandarin - 100
sandwich - 290
sandwich - 80
corn cakes - 60
pasta - 400
lollies, rice cakes - 150
mandarin - 20
1320.
Aw what?
I swear to mothernigging god it was higher than that. Ah well. Good thing I suppose. And yes, I know I said I'd make it low - but I was hungry and THOUGHT I'd be going to the gym. But then mother made a huge deal complaining about all the stuff she does for me that my dad doesn't at the phone store, that I ran out of time. On the plus side, I had a 3 hour dance rehearsal. It's pretty light dancing, but hey - at least it's moving.
I'm sorry I still haven't replied to you marcus, I've been rather busy.

I FOUND THE BEST CEREAL:
54 calories a CUP. OH yeahhh! (it's puffed spelt, from the health food store)
So that means I could make breakfast a 120 calorie affair (fruit and chia).
And make dinner mushrooms (30).. 150 calories for breakfast and dinner.
And then lunch could be some awesome foods.
Yay.

my lip hurts.

Lettuce bee honest.

WE like to hear about another's binge. It doesn't mean that we don't feel sympathy or compassion and what not for their downfall - but it makes us feel a bit stronger I reckon. See normally I wouldn't post my intake after a binge (even a mini one), it's too embarrassing. But I figure I may as well.

TODAY:

cereal + chia + soymilk + half banana + 3 strawberries - 220

sandwich - 290

apple - 80

seaweed - 7

1 chocolate - 30

5 rice cakes - 150

7 chocolates - 210

4 little tacos - 300

bread - 200

choc soy milk - 70

soy ice cream - 150

jelly - 7

= 1714

Oh woah. what the shit is with me and the whole "overestimating" thing. that is not right? I SWEAR TO GOD I THOUGHT IT WAS HIGHER.

Yeah well hmm.

Like marcus said, i spose it's a good thing ey?

tomorrow I think will be something like 650 calories. Just coz the metabolism will be all high and mighty from all this food.

Mad.

I even have a plan of the foods I shall eat

Brekkie is always the same - cereal + chia + fruit + soymilk

that'll be 200

lunch - 300 (sandwich, apple, seaweed)

dinner - 130 (mushrooms on toast, who knows - maybe I'll SKIP the toast, woah crazy)

I'm in a top mood right now. Everything's going my way. I mean, my calorie intake hasn't been all that low, but ya know what - it appears to be working a lot better than my fasting and stuff. Especially with this new found joy in puffing it out. I get such a high off running. RUNNER'S HIGH. Seriously, try it. I can see myself looking thinner. Even if the changes aren't as dramatic as a fast, coz generally I'll just gain it all back after fasting, so it's stupid. UMM and I don't wanna lose my muscle - I like that shit. The people at the gym said they'll set me up a program if I have a chat with them. I need to tell them my goals and such.

My GOALS:

lose 20 pounds.

Get stronger ankles (sounds weird, for figure skating)

get a flat toned stomach

be able to run 1 hour at 9km/hr without stopping

okay, goodnight again. <3

chocolate is such a sin.

Ughhh. I've eaten a lot today. 1550 is my intake. I know my intake lately has been around 900 so I'm not gonna gain weight, probably wont lose either. I was just really into chocolate. Like really craving some of that. THAT and peanut butter is my weakness, everything else I can deal with. I think I just feel a bit sick from too much caffeine and too much sugar. I had figure skating after school today. 1 1/4 hours (half hour lesson, 45 minute practice).. I've started doing three-jumps (it's sounds like tricky shit but it's not , it's a simple jump) - they're really straining on the leg muscles, after I got off the ice I had jelly legs. I was happy bout that, means it's a good workout. Apparently 428 calories an hour for regular skating, so i'm gonna take a guess and say I burnt like 700 calories. Yeah, today I just don't care. I'm hungry. Tomorrow I'll go pretty low I think because my metabolism will be running on a high, after that I'll be back to routine.
I have two friends at school doing the ABC together, I don't think I'm supposed to know they are, but I get their subtle messages to each other over fb and what-not.
Okay okay so I just figured - 1550 - 700 = 850.
So it's still a deficit. Holy shit, I want more food. What's wrong with me? Oh right, I'm human.. I forgot.
Will I? Won't I? I don't know. Our cupboard is pretty lacking in deliciousness, so I don't know if I would even bother. OR I could run to the shops.. and nom the food there (but that would be wrong).. Oh god see now I'm actually discussing ways of acquiring food.
Well anyway - I'm SO happy I finally got that fricking gym membership. Tomorrow after school I'm off to the gym and then rehearsal (and we're doing dance at rehearsal) and then on thursday I have my date! (woo!) and we're going skating. Mum would kill me if I wasted her money on the gym membership and didn't use it, and she wouldn't get me one again. So now I have these workouts that I simply can't avoid (don't you love that?).
I wish I could weigh myself, my period is over (sorry for the too much information).
That reminds me! I told someone I needed to pee and they got all weirded out and were like "too much information!!!", but seriously? WTF. Get over it, who doesn't need to pee in this world?
Anyway. Toodle pip!
<3
BTW - Marcus - If you read this, glad you're back!! :)

Don't be down, exercise... some more!

I know my posts have gotten REALLY boring, sorry about that. Hopefully I'll have something interesting to say soon.

I think it's because lately I've just been sticking to a routine, nothing dramatic, and no binges have occurred. So posting, 'today I ate this this and this and worked out the same as yesterday'.. is kinda boring..

Splendor in the grass - 3 days away!!!! :D

Intake:

weet bix + chia + lite soy milk - 155

crumpet + vegemite - 70

1 apple, 2 corn cakes, 1 piece of choc - 140

sandwich + jam + peanut butter - 290

5 rice cakes, mandarin - 180

2 bean tacos - 220

= 955.. (also I burnt like 350 at the gym.. So intake is like around 600)

What??? I thought I ate more than that.. I always over estimate!.. Seriously doesn't make sense.

I thought I was at like 1200.

Okay well today I also went to the gym for like 45 minutes (sigh, mother is lazy and leaves going to the gym until the last minute).

But I did 30 minutes jogging on the treadmill, 5 on the elliptical and then 5 on the leg muscle thing.

I know a lot of people like elliptical, but I really don't enjoy that shit at all. feels uncomfortable.

We had some lady come in today to my health class to talk about depression, she said that cardio exercise is better than taking anti depressants. Another benefit I guess? lol.

Anyway, tata! :)

<3

It's not my fault I'd rather not be fat.

So today at rehearsal, some people from rehearsal decided it would be awesome to go to maccas afterwards.. and the girl driving me home decided to go. So of course there was no avoiding it. Luckily I had no money, unluckily she offered to buy me anything I want. I said no, and they all started pestering me being like "oh my god just eat something".. So I said get me a shot of mini m&ms. she proceeded to get me 4 shots. Jeeze. I ate like 10, and then they were like "oh are you one of those girls that doesn't eat coz you think you'll get fat???" and being annoying. so I ended up eating 150 mini m&ms. (about 3 handfuls) and left more than half in the container.
I reckon that's like 100 calories?
Anyway, today's intake:
cereal + chia + half banana + light soy milk = 208
1 bagel + 1 teaspoon jam + half a tablespoon peanut butter - 390
mushrooms on toast - 130
mini m&ms - 100
apple, rice cake, strawberries, tiny piece of dark choc, seaweed - 142
= 970
alright i guess.
:)
*updated*
I had some soy ice cream with a bit more mini m&ms left.
Soy ice cream has like almost half the calories of regular ice cream. So yeah, win.
I think I had like 80 in that.
And 150 in m&ms.
230.
= 1200 for the day.
Which is basically the number I want to stick to.
cool.

Good morning.

I have a date! Woo! :D
and we're going iceskating, how awesome.
Apparently it can burn 434 calories an hour at a general pace! :)
he's cute too.

I just got the drunkest phone call from my best friend XD
telling me how much she loves me. lol.

weighed myself last night

ughhhhh.

59, again?

But on the upside, my period just started this morning, I imagine it'll be lower. Especially considering I weighed myself at night.

1:04am.

Intake + random life.

cereal with chia plus soymilk - 180
bagel with jam half a tbs of peanut butter - 390
mushrooms on toast - 130
rice cakes, strawberries, soy milk for tea - 100
apple - 70
=870
that's my day. i rather like it.
this is still lower than I'd like, I wanted to make it higher and more spread out, but it's too late in the day.
Anyway, I went to the gym again! (yay me)
It was closing, so I got about 15 minutes on the treadmill in, and then like 15 doing muscle (legs) stuff.
I went to my local cafe (extremely hippy), just in passing. And there's a guy there (in the art exhibition part of the cafe) who has like a mini bakery set up and he's baking bread and trading it for stuff. I'm still sorting out what to trade for bread.. Any ideas?
I also bought a book - The Devil Wears Prada, I hope it's good.

Occccttaaagggooon.

Taking it slow is so much harder.. the waiting.
But I know it'll only work if I'm taking it slow.
Jack Black makes me laugh. :)

much happier!

I feel better.
I know my last post was in a nutshell, depressing. It was basically just me being depressed wasn't it?
Well I don't feel that way anymore, there's still a bit of that in me, but it's definitely been lifted away quite a lot.
I stayed up a bit last night, watching sex in the city. I know - lame, but awesome. My friend who had deleted me replied to my mail, told me that he just deleted everyone he doesn't talk to much because he doesn't like the news feed - and I really do believe him. No hard feelings :)
I slept in, for obvious reasons lol, and I missed my first two classes (drama, politics).. but whatever.
Drama sucks - it's just a class that my ex made me do and now I'm stuck in it with him. All we do is play drama games.
Politics is actually interesting - but ehh, I was happy to sleep some more.
After school I was hanging outside the school talking to people, including this guy that I've always had an on off thing with. Last year, some shit went down with that (veeery long story), point is - we're finally friends again, like JUST friends. And it's really nice. I know that I don't like him in 'that way', but I do have very strong feelings towards him which if were provoked, could turn into 'that way' feelings.
We have two people staying at our house, one of them is a fitness coach - so we decided to all go out to the gym (win!!!) and he went through a half an hour session with us. Working on strength and stuff.
And then after that I got on the treadmill for half an hour - 20 minutes jogging - 10 walking. I was SO sweaty by the end of it, but I felt really good, I didn't even know I could run that long.
My intake today has been about 650 so far:
weet bix with chia and soy milk - 170
jam sandwich - 200
2 tiny mandarins - 60
seaweed - 70
chocolate - 100
crackers - 50
tea (soy milk & honey) - 30
= 680.
Okay, thirty more than I thought, whatever :)
it's like 7.30pm, mum's making dinner. But it's salad and pumpkin soup. So like 150 cals at most.
Yayyay for today! :)

*Update*
had soup - 100
salad - 50
garlic bread - 100 (tiny piece)
low cal jelly - 7
= 927

Going through the motions

I just had the most horrible experience. Okay, maybe it was a nice event and all, but I had this awful awful feeling. I was dragged along to a piano performance by my mother, her old friend being the pianist. And then afterwards a dinner. I did the whole thing mingling with adults (so awkward, I never know what to say.. just be polite?) and I munched on mainly pear slices and carrots and celery and some chips and dip. I was hungry to begin with, after awhile it became a habit. I figured that once we arrived at the restaurant that I wouldn't have to each much because we were getting share platters. Apparently that means that on each of our plates they give us fetta pastrys and oil soaked stuffed vine leaves and oil soaked salad. I don't understand why everyone soaks salad in oil, why?? I ate too much, and I can't help feeling depressed about it. Actually right now I feel SO down, and I can't really pinpoint why. I feel like I've been going through this endless cycle of lose a few kilos, gain a few kilos, lose a few kilos, gain a few kilos.. And I also feel like I'm going through the motions, I don't feel into anything anymore. I never feel really engaged with anybody, I just want to go home by myself and read or something. I've never felt that way so much, I've always wanted to be doing things.. ALL THE TIME. fuck. fuck. fuck. I feel so horrible. I want to cry. I just realised that someone I used to be really good friends with has deleted me on Facebook. We did have a fight, ages ago. It was stupid as all hell, I don't even understand what happened. But I know that I was a completely self centered bitch and he got angry and then I apologised and he never really spoke to me again. He confuses me. It just kind of made me even more depressed to see him have deleted me. I want to be happy.. And I usually am. I think this is a mix of my parents fighting, my lack of family, my lack of money, my boredom with life, the cold winter, the boy (s) I like and my fatness. 1800 calories is my guess today.

Peeing like a horse.

I have got to start getting up on time. I can't help it but I never do, I was up too late watching Sex and the City. I know I said that I would eat whatever I said I'd eat. But I couldn't, it just didn't appeal to me at all and I didn't see a reason. So I had an apple for fiber so that the crap I ate yesterday doesn't just sit inside me (gross, I know). I also took with me a bottle of green tea with lemon diluted to school, it's actually REALLY good for cravings / temptations and what not. Except it makes me pee like a horse. My mother just went to the shops, and I requested that she buy rice cakes! It was an idea i had recently, see I always need something substantial for lunch, but can never find enough  low calorie food. So I was going to settle for jam sandwiches (150 cals) but now I can have jam or vegemite on rice cakes and it'll be 70 cals! :) awesome sauce. Plus an apple - 70, and some seaweed - 7. 147 cals for lunchtimes :)
I have a few friends who today decided that it would be awesome to be anorexic and that they are going to not eat. For one thing - they won't be able to. For another - if they do, they'll only end up burning off muscle and gaining the fat back. It was kind of ridiculous today to hear them talking about how they're going to go anorexic and writing up lists on how to do it..
so yeah anyway. today's intake - 70 cals (apple)
:) it's like 4pm btw.

The truth.

Today has been terrible..
First off, I woke up late so I had no time to pack a lunch and maybe tea, so I had to buy lunch and I ended up scabbing of people. Second of all, I was uncontrollably hungry. I kept eating, each time hoping to satisfy my hunger, and each time being dissapointed. Oh  well, tomorrow is a new day. I made to about 700 calories during school + breakfast. I came home straight away from school so I could go to the ice rink (I sorta do figure skating) and decided I needed the energy. So I had some peanut butter with bread. 400 cals. So that's 1100 cals. And then after skating for about 1 1/4 hours, I finished and mumma and I drove home. But then we stopped on the way back, and we got noodles. I didn't eat many, they filled me up (finally!!!). And she also bought peanuts (I can't help it! They're my weakness.. Okay maybe I can help it. But sometimes they break me.). so after all that I think I got to 1800-2000 easily.
I'm not too worried. According to a bunch of different websites, I'm meant to eat 2400 calories a day, to maintain. I hope they're right. Tomorrow will be good, because I can feel all the bad cravings and what not are done with.
I find it a lot easier to not set myself goals and limits. But more of make it a challenge and an ongoing thing that I do. But I do freak out if I don't plan my meals and stuff. So tomorrow:
breakfast: 160
lunch: jam sandwich, apple, tea, seaweed: 250
dinner: mushrooms and onions: 50
460. Sounds good. :)

Okay here's a question I have for everyone who might read this!
Do calories in fruit (so called, 'negative foods') count???? I'm SO CONFUSED.
keep up the awesomeness :) x.

not good.

Sigh. Today was good. until I got home from school. Lol.
anyway, I'm at around 750. I don't plan on eating anymore, but for some reason I'm rather hungry today. I think it's a mix of going back to school and the freezing freezing cold. (Incase you didn't get that, FREEZING)
Yeah. I made it at 40 cals for lunch and 160 for brekkie.
Then I had 550 at home.
No good, no good.
I um, am sorry for not posting a very interesting post. I have to go to rehearsal in like 5 minutes.
Maybe update later. Byebye <3

Muggle Mushrooms

Okay so this time I haven't been taking shrooms, but instead have had some mushrooms with a half slice of bread. Mushrooms are SO FRICKING LOW in calories, and they are full of nutrients.. and they taste delish.. and they can be cooked in water. win win win.
So another 50 calories (including the bread. Oh, I also had an apple - 70.. So like 340 today. Not bad not bad. Maybe I'll have some more bread. I'm really in the mood for it.
Byeeeee.

Terrible.

Yesterday:
1 bowl of cereal with chia - 160
mushrooms on toast - 100
2 apples -120
= 380..
then i went to my friend's house. they fed me curry for dinner, i took a tiny portion though, i'm guessing 300 cals..
and THEN my fricking friend gave me like a half block of chocolate to eat. so like 500 cals
800 extra..
= 1180
pretty fail of a day.
Oh well. Today I'm at 280 and it's about 4:30pm.
I don't know if I am going to have anymore....
:S

Sorry for posting way too much.

I am so bored and I drank too much tea. So I've been half working out / half going through recipe books, writing a shopping list and working out food for school. Figured I'd post them -
Stuff to eat at school:

cooked mushrooms with garlic, cold noodle salad, container of gnocchi with tomato + onion jam, celestial chinese fruit salad.

Recipes I plan on making:

vegie dumplings, summer tarts, laksa, pumpkin soup, carrot ginger soup, tomato pasta soup, sweet potato and pear chilli soup, mushroom and tortellini soup, vegie baked spring rolls..

Cupcakes: maple pecan, gingerbread, rosewater, lavender, banoffee..
It's times like this that I wish I had a proper family - to cook for.. Actually, I always wish I had a family - I hate being all that each of my parents have, I'm the focus of their lives, the reason they both basically live, it gets really tiring.

Another fish. What should I name him??

Oh yeah! I rememebered, I finally got a chance to weigh myself, last time I did was like a week and a half ago. Then it was 59.3kgs.. and today it was 57kg. I lost 2.3kgs which is 5.6 pounds. :) awesome. It means I got to add another fish to my fish tank (to the right, lower down on the page). I realised that my goal to reach 55kg by the end of the holidays (2 days) wasn't going to happen, so I made them a bit more realistic, I believe I can do those easily.
Ciao.

The Chef is me.

Intake for yesterday (?, it's like 22 minutes past midnight..) was nothing really set as a meal. I had some tea, lemon juice, vitamin.. the usual. then I made sweet potato gnocchi, tomato + onion jam, beetroot hummus and chai tea.
I had like a few spoons of each and served my mum some and then put it in the fridge to have another time.. I had a whole cup of the tea but that's zero and a metabolism booster anyway.. I went for like a 10 minute run with like 15 minutes walking intergrated.. Yes I know I'm really lazy. With every kilo I lose, running becomes SO much fricking easier. It's kind of awesome.
anyhow, I'm guessing about 200 calories today. Cool :)
I've been reading Marya's book - it's actually really good and interesting.. Her dad sounds like mine lol.
bubye :)

Magic Mushrooms

Well yesterday AFTER the grandmother luncheon, I slept at my friend's house, and of course had dinner with her family. SO:
1 spiced lentil burger - 500
ginger chocolate icecream - 200

crackers - 105

cous cous & mushrooms - 250

seaweed snack - 7

apple - 50
= 1112
it's okay I suppose.
Anyway - today I'm going to make my mother dinner (she's out at work), and leave it for her with a note.
I found 2 cool recipes I'm gonna use coz I love cooking.
Sweet potato & watercress gnocchi + Tomato & onion jam. :)

I never thought of myself as an emotional eater, but I realised how much I really am. I remember last year when I went through a really depressed point in my life, I gained like 15 pounds. I guess I never really thought about why but it just hit me when I remembered this embarassing thing:

Okay so about a month and a half ago I took magic mushrooms for the second time in my life with some friends. At first it was the BEST, I had the coolest hallucinations and all this awesome stuff, I felt on top of the world. It was like that picture << But then I ended up having the most horrible horrible trip (honestly, don't take them) and spent the whole night crying when my friends fell asleep. I was even considering killing myself. I had convinced myself that the drugs had made me go permanently crazy and that I was going to spend the rest of my life being horribly depressed and that no one would be able to talk to me, I was hearing all these voices, I couldn't see anything properly, just a bunch of hallucinations and it WOULDN'T STOP. So by morning the trip had gone, I was still rather fuzzy and unable to concentrate on anything, it was hard to walk. The point is that I was still really feeling depressed, I couldn't make that feeling dissapear. You know what I ate?? A massive burrito, 1 tub of icecream and half a jar of peanut butter..

So yeah.. Can't believe I did that. Just thought I'd share.

NOMNOMNOMSUGAR

Just as I suspected - granny wanted the grand lunch.. We went out to a cafe - I got a spiced lentil burger. It was DELICIOUS and I'm guessing around 500 calories. And then she said something like "Okay so shall we get dessert here or look elsewhere?".. It wasn't even a question as to whether I wanted it. So I got some ice cream - ginger chocolate. It was good. I'm guessing like 200 calories. So like 700 today.
I didn't end up having breakfast - and I'm glad. I wasn't even that hungry at lunch - suprisingly. So yeah..
but you know when you eat a bit of sugar and then your body is all like NOMNOMNOMSUGAR.
Yeah well right now I really want more sugar... Arggh silly crazy ass mofo.
OH and she also brought me a massive box of truffle chocolates.. Jeeeze - make me fat why don't you :P
Nah she's awesome. i love my grandma.
OH and she gave me a voucher for a massage! Woo! :)
Sleeping at a friend's tonight. She won't make me eat.
goodbyyeeeeee.
<3

To eat or not to eat?

that is the question.
to a regular human person being it is relatively simple - if you are hungry.
to a fatty - YES
to me - uhhhhhhhh i dunno, you tell me.

I have been debating whether or not to eat breakfast for like half an hour now. I don't know!!! I'm physically hungry, my stomach is empty. But.. I don't want the food. I just know that maybe I SHOULD. But if I eat that then I'm having lunch at a cafe, and I can't trust cafes. I do not know what to do. I've never had this option before. It's always been that I'm fighting my will to eat. But now I'm fighting my will to starve?? WHAT??!?!

Yeah I dunno. Shall inform you whether I ate cereal or not!

Empty cupboard, empty stomach.

Maybe this is just me being a bitch, but I just read a bit of a blog.. Not gonna say coz that would be rather blunt. Anyway - she's 13 and she calls herself pro ana, she says she's a poet and a 'dark, deep writer'. And from reading her blog it seems to be about how she fucked guys 6 years older than her while she was drunk / high... and how some guy at her school was texting some girl and then he cheated on her or something stupid. My point is, it really annoyed me to read it - this girl's whole ideal.

It's like 2:14am, so yesterday just finished; I didn't eat a thing and I wasn't tempted to really. In fact the only reason I'll be eating today is because I know it's unhealthy and that I get grumpy and horrible when I don't eat for too long (and because of lunch with the grandma). I was at my neighbour's house just watching tv, and one of them handed me two pieces of chocolate.. I stared at them for a few seconds until I realised what was happening. I then politely refused without even considering eating them.
I got bored again, so I went through my cupboards and cleaned them. I chucked out probably 2/3 of all my clothes. A lot of them were too big, and a lot were just old / totally something I wouldn't wear. So I need to go shopping! Oh shit - I have to go formal dress shopping, this either means I'm stuck at this weight until formal, OR that I have to find an adaptable dress, Or that I have to lose some weight, and soon!
hmmmmm. Tata.

Fat, ugly, and shitter than winehouse

When did I become this? I think of myself as a mostly confident, outgoing, blunt person. One day I was just talking with my friends and they told me the one word that describes me perfectly - genuine. I'm myself and I show it.. It doesn't feel that way anymore. I sometimes feel like I'm afraid to post my real thoughts here, as though whoever's reading is judging. But why should I give a fuck what they (or you :P) think? It's why I love Lily Allen so much as not only a singer but as a person. I remember when she wrote this blog entry, and it was really sad to see her so upset about the way she is.

"Fat, ugly, and shitter than winehouse - that is all i am , im on my own in america again . I used to pride myself on being strong minded and not being some stupid girl obsessed with the way I look . I felt like it didnt matter if I was a bit chubby cause , im not a model , I'm a singer . Im afraid I am not strong and have fallen victim to the evil machine . I write to you in a sea of tears from my hotel bed in Seattle , I have spent the past hour researching gastric bypass surgery , and laser lipo suction ."

Personally I prefer to see her a little bit chubby but happy, than like that. So honestly, if when I get there I am not happy I don't know what I'm going to do.

Anyway, I just tried on these jeans which were sort of a 'goal' in my own way. Just to be able to get them UP again would have been a mild success for me. But you know what, they FIT WELL. Comfortable, no muffin top. Awesome :)

Um what else?? Oh yeah. I'm making cakes tonight! (For a birthday of someone tomorrow).. good thing I'm feeling strong. I haven't been able to weigh myself in about 5 days. Last time it was 58 :\, I may be able to tonight though so I shall update if I do.

It's raining, I love the rain.
<3

You are what you eat

Well I can see you've been devouring some giant fat guys.. (Scrubs, gotta love it)

When did I become popular? When did my blog become something interesting?..

Last night I got off the computer at about 11pm, I woke at about 11am and I had 3 new followers.. and 6 missed calls.
I almost feel interesting (?).. and I kind of feel like now I have to make an effort to make my posts more readable / interesting and not just my thoughts poured out of me.
So last night I couldn't sleep, so I set to work on rearranging my room  (notice the word 'rearranging', not cleaning). I shoved all the crap under my bed and I went through all my magazines and cut out every cool picture I could find and then I decorated my walls (that picture above is one part of my walls). It was basically just a time passer but I ended up staying up until 4am; listening to the Strokes and burning incense that my friend brought me back from India.

I made the unconscious decision to not eat today. It wasn't that I was (or am) trying to hold myself back from eating the food - I really would rather that I don't. I walked over to my best friend's house (7 minutes walk) this morning and she was making pancakes. Fortunately she's a fatty (at heart of course!) and was perfectly happy to eat them all, and we had a Sex and the City marathon. Haha - watching Carrie writing her column for the New Yorker kind of reminded me of how it is to write this blog but obviously she's a better writer who gets paid a lot more to do it.

I'm having a luncheon with my grandma tomorrow at my favourite vegan cafe; I really really like my grandma and I'm happy to see her - but cafe food really scares me because nothing is based on calories - everthing is based on taste. I guess there's nothing that I can really do about it.
I'm currently reading a new book; Wasted - by Marya Hornbacher, thanks to this lovely girl. It's a PDF file of it - readable on the computer or on an ipod touch / iphone / ipad.. You get it. So either you could ask her, or I'm happy to send it to you if you leave me your email. So far it seems to be a really interesting book.
I have started following so many blogs and realised that I'm sort of following so many lives of so many different individuals. It's kinda weird to hear the honest feelings of peope who aren't my closest friends or tv characters.

I had this epiphany - which you would think is common knowledge and I guess it is: 'The food will always be there later'. How did I not really make use of this idea before?? Last night I guess I was set off by the chocolate to WANT more food. And I wanted it - but then I said to myself, 'It will always be there later if I want it'. And occassionally I think to myself, 'Oh, but those freshly baked cookies won't'.. But if I REALLY want fresh baked cookies sometime, I can easily make them.. And I know that, especially considering how much I love to cook.

ONE MORE THING - SPLENDOR IN THE GRASS IS IN 2 1/2 weeks!!!!! Oh my god - I'm so excited!!!!!
So incase you didn't get that - today is a non food day.
Yeah.. But I can not always guarantee that - mother and all.. I believe I'm making dinner tonight, but it is avoidable.
Anyway - byebye :)

Out to lunch.

bahhh. i'm a terrible dieter!
lol - AFTER that, I went to meet my friend at the local cafe. and we were chilling, and then our friend who works at the bakery gave us all this free bakery crap coz he was closing up and they had to chuck it. But i ate like 3 bites of all of it and chucked the rest out :D my friends think i'm a weirdo - ah well. MY FRIEND is so annoying - not coz she's not awesome, but because she ate 2 fruit scrolls, 1 1/2 danishs (ate most of mine), a pizza rope (pizzary pastry thing) and a vege pie. and then we went to her place and she ate about 4 servings of curry. My mum called her mum and made she I got dinner there, but I only took a very tiny amount and spread it out on my plate to make it seem rather large. So I think I got like an extra 300 calories.. 750 for the day yesterday?
That's okay.
TODAY - I had breakfast with my friend's mother because I had to get up early to leave to go to work and my friend was still sleeping. Fortunately they had the cereal I love and I took my vitamins with me to sleep at my friend's house. so I was good for the morning. :) and it was kinda nice. I think I made a good impression on her, she never seemed to like me much in the past. Anyway. 130 cals for brekkie.
Then a little bit of apple slices and like 2 spoons of macaroni at work. So 50 cals. 180 cals altogether. Then I met a friend for lunch - I got two slices of toast with grilled mushrooms and tomato. The toast came with the butter already on rather than a little packet thing! Silly.. So I cut the butter parts off.. and I only ate like 1 slice of toast. Like half of each. So like 150 cals. umm = 330. Oh gosh. My friend thinks I'm insane. Ahh then she gave me four pieces of chocolate - 200 cals. and Peanut butter with bread at her place - 300 cals maybe 400. So altogether. 930 at the most for the day.
UPDATE**
I um had another 500 cals. I feel bad. But it wasn't like NOMNOMNOM binge. it was like, a small amount of cereal, some toast, an apple, and some popcorn. yeah, so 1430 today. Apparently that's healthy weight loss amount? seems like a shitload to me.
I guess that's okay. But I actually have like a massive guilt about it. I guess I shouldn't as I did about 15 minutes of jogging today. Jogging has gotten so much easier since I lost a bit of weight! And I also did another 35 minutes of walking around town / to work / running errands to the shops at work.. And being on my feet at work! So hmm.
Tomorrow I want to keep it really really low as I don't have to go out anywhere and I can do some exercise and stuff - so for breakfast - 160 (cereal w soy milk & and chia) . Lunch - 100 (mushrooms with toast) . Dinner - 80 (soup packet). = 340. oh and maybe some berries but i don't even know if i count them.

Forgot to mention!

Yesterday at my work.. See I haven't worked in quite a few weeks, and I saw someone at work who I don't think I've worked with for about month. And I was busy eating a chocolate chip cookie, but I was doing it rather strangely. I would pick off the dough, eat the choc chips and then throw away most of the dough that didn't have choc chips embedded in it.
And he said "you look thinner.. are you on a diet?" I didn't really reply, and then reffering to my cookie eating way, he said "maybe this is why ha".
It was nice to hear someone else comment on my weight. Because after the initial weight loss, all my friends were like "oh my god you've lost so much weight!" and now that's stopped. I REALLY want more comments.
Yeah..
Oh and about tonight, I'm sleeping at a friend's house. I told her that I'm eating dinner with mother so her mum won't make me anything.. but I told my mum I'm having dinner there.
coooolies.

Everyday I succeed I'm another day closer towards my goal.

It's about 4:33pm.. I should be cleaning my room.
but anyway - intake:
2 weet bix with 1/4 cup choc soy milk and 1/2 tablespoon chia seeds - 158 cals
half a soy mocha - 100 cals
12 hot chips - 150 cals
some seaweed - 7 cals
chai tea (soy milk and honey) - 40 cals
= 455 cals
Cool. :)
My goal is to just stay under 500 calories everyday.
And to make sure I get a fair amount of nutrients, because when I don't - I binge. Which is horrible.
I actually have become such a health nut lol, I only ate the chips and mocha coz I was out with friends at a cafe. Otherwise it would have been like an apple and some miso soup.
but tomorrow I'm working for mother.. And we're making mac and cheese, no way am I eating that.
And then I have the afternoon with a friend. hmmm :)
Anyway - apparently seaweed helps weight loss.. And it's got like no calories. So that's all good in my opinion! I've realised how stupid I've been lately. I'm SO much happier and I feel so much better when I get nutrients, and yeah. And I'm still losing weight well.
Anyway, tata.

Simple, intake

cereal with choc soy milk and chia seeds - 160 cals
1 cookie - 100 cals
1 small apple - 60 cals
mushrooms on 1 slice toast - 130 cals
= 450 cals :)
Glad to be back on track.

Stuff I bought / stuff I made / stuff I ate

Today, after that. I DID walk to the shops, and I couldn't find any kidney beans. BUT I did buy some chia seeds, I'm excited to try them. Maybe bake choc chip chia cookies. :)

I also bought some seaweed snacks (like 5 calories each) and seaweed helps with fat loss.

Then I got home, I think I burnt about 500 walking to the shops / around the shops. And mum and I went out again to the mall, and bought a bunch of stuff. ALL HEALTHY and low cal. So yeah, I'm good to go. And I probably burned like 500 cals out at the mall too. :)
This popcorn is only 200 cals for the whole bag. win.
Also, strangely enough, the chocolate soymilk I bought is the same brand and size as the regular I buy, but has 20 less calories per serve?? What's that about? Oh well, I'm not complaining, more chocolate for me!
AND OHMAGOD. Holy shitsauce.
I just made homebaked felafel. And I had one. It is the SHIZ. DEEELICIOUS.
I'm so making them again.
so today my intake was:
1 piece dried banana
2 dates
1 cup of tea with 1/4 cup soy milk and 1/4 teaspoon honey
1 small felafel
80 calories altogether about.
Cool!
It's weird, I used to be all like "Oh well I've broken my fast now! I better use up my last 20 calories and make it to 100.." Or something like that..
But now I'm more like "every calorie counts! you don't need anything else"

Health Nut

Image via Wikipedia

Ahh, morning - lovely.
I just took a short walk to the shops, it was nice. I think I woulda burned like 70 cals. I bought 3 lemons, 1 box of frozen berries (500g - 250 cals) and a tin of baked beans (2 serves - 200 cals each).
Lemons I need for my lemon juice (fresh is so much better than bottled - lemon benefits!), and I just mixed 1/2 lemon's juice with 2 tablespoons Apple Cider Vinegar in a glass of water. It tasted kinda yum actually coz the ACV cancels out the sourness of the lemon. Then I had a vitamin tablet and am now drinking green tea.
God I sound like such a health freak, but seriously I FEEL so much better (happier, energetic) when I stay healthy. And my skin stays clear and soft.. and bingeing isn't even thought about.
Um, not much to report really, shall be walking to the further away shops soon to get mother some kidney beans and while I'm there I'll check out chia seeds. :)
Bubye.

To chia, or not to chia? that is the question.

It's funny, there's all these diet tips I've read that say things like "cut out alcohol" "cut out fast food" "cut out meat and dairy" "cut out liquid calories" blah blah blah and apparently the weight will drop off like that *snaps fingers*.
It's irritating because I don't consume ANY of those things regularly at all. I hardly get drunk, I used to but yeah.. I'm a mostly-vegan but I'll discuss that later. I NEVER drink liquid calories, as I'm kinda sensitive to milk so I drink green tea, peppermint or chai with a tiny amount of soy milk and I like my coffee black anyway.. Except I always brew it at home, black coffee from cafes is sour a lot of the time and it's disgusting. Oh and fast food, ew. I prefer home food anyways. :)
My point is, I want there to be some magical thing that I could cut out and suddenly I'll lose weight heaps quicker, but yeah...

I'm thinking I might try chia seeds, any experience with them??
Apparently they are filling, give heaps of energy, have a TON of nutrients and flush out the system so yeah! Oh and there's a choc chip cookie recipe using them to replace butter! I don't know if you've noticed, but I love love love to bake things.. too much. But I might try to make these. They turn into a gel when mixed with water and they have no flavour, so are perfect for mixing into things.
My local health food store kinda sucks.. And I don't really have much money. But my mother dearest owes me like $150 coz I've been working for her (more on that later too). So I'll get some of that money and head down to pick up some!
I'm also going to be making some homemade baked felafel (as opposed to deep fried) when I get a chance; healthy, filling and relatively low cal. :)

My friend was telling me about how she ate nothing but apples to lose a few pounds. It didn't last long, no more than a week I think. But the point was that she had gained the weight REALLY fast and she had no idea how, so when she was at the doctor she asked about it. After discussing stuff with the doc, she was told that it was because she had been smoking weed too much. And NOT because of the food that weed makes you want which is OBVIOUSLY not helpful, because she has good self control, it was because it apparently slows down your metabolism and your body stores fat more easily. That rather suprised me.. Just saying.

Long story about buses this morning, long story-short I spent about 30 minutes walking / running to catch this stupid bus on time. Good exercise, but terribly irritating. Then arrived at work (catering for a holiday care program) and had to ice a gazillion cupcakes, shake up big bottles of milo-milk, crack and whisk 5 dozen eggs and make quiche. It was tiring! I have drunken SO much coffee and water and apple cider vinegar today. I'm peeing like every 10 minutes. I have not eaten anything (not even a cupcake!) don't really plan on it, cool. And it was good today coz I hate eating egg, and seeing all the cream and cheese and such that went into the quiche anyway was enough to keep me away from it.

Okay I'm cutting down my veganism to strict vegetarian, because I AM doing it for animals and environment and ethics and whatnot.. but, as crazy as it sounds it gets in the way of my weight loss to be vegan. There's a lot of low calorie foods that I can't have if I'm full vegan. Such as low calorie jelly, nearly all my fave low calories soups have milk solids and such in them.. You get it. I still don't drink milk, eat cheese, eat cream, eggs.. you get it. ALSO, being vegan really lowers my energy if I'm ALSO dieting. Remind me to take a vitamin on days when I do eat. (Exactly why I want to try chia seeds!)

I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but I bought some cherry tomatoes, I like to eat them as they are as a snack. Some people don't like that, but whatever floats your boat I guess. Oh and one more thing - I actually have not been able to weigh myself in like 2-3 weeks. It's kind of annoying but I guess is a good thing. I shall post it when I know. I realised why I was SO overthetop for about a week with my food there, mainly junk and sugar and way too much. I got SO offtrack and it was because I was lacking nutrients. SO my food is going to be rather nutritious now.

And finally, to end this post, of course it's not necessary to watch - but just a video I saw today that made me sad.

I'm the hero of the story, don't need to be saved.

Hmmm.
Making cupcakes is not good for those on a diet, ohwell. Made it to like 1700 cals today. But I'm okay with dat. My stomach kinda hurts from eating, which is weird coz I haven't eaten that much . Maybe it's the apple cider vinegar? Ehhh.
Okay, I just thought about this guy I liked a little while ago, like 1-2 months ago.. we sorta had a thing going, and then it just stopped and I don't even know why.
I wasn't bothered, I guess I'm still not, a lot. It just makes me a little bit sad.
Ahh boys and the trouble they impose.
I'm tired. But it's too early to sleep.
I'm bored. But there's nothing to do.
My hair, cupcakes, apple cider vinegar. I recommend it, it REALLY supresses appetite.

5 trays of muffins..

Ever notice how hot Kate Moss is? She's my favourite model, kinda old but still good.. I really don't like models such as Miranda Kerr, I mean sure she's pretty amazing looking (and I should be proud coz she's from my country :P).. but she's so fricking boring.. and I'm pretty sure she lies about what she eats>> Miranda's Supposed Diet Plan. Anyway, Kate Moss is interesting and fun, and British and like best friends with Lily Allen, and I love love love Lily so much (seen her twice, oh yeah!). Yeah, that man is creepy.
Well, I don't know how clear I made this, but I didn't eat yesterday. I had a chewable vitamin, that was all. It's bad to take regular vitamins if you're not eating, otherwise they won't digest in your stomach and you could get your stomach pumped if it went on for like 2 weeks.
I ate somewhat today, I went in to help my mother at work.. Catering for a holiday care program, it was fun! I made mac and cheese from scratch, my arms are SO sore.. AND I ate a small amount of it and some tomatoes and lettuce. I've had like 700 calories today. Oh and I had some apple cider vinegar (I actually like the taste lol) and some diet vanilla coke and a ton of black coffee. And I'm about to bake muffins for the holiday program, 5 trays of muffins to make by myself. Oh I'm gonna be tired.
Toy Story 3 was amazing! SOOOO good! Go see it my two followers (ooh I have followers)! Do it!
:D byeeeeee.

PS:I'm glad I'm back on track.

Toy Story.

So I did the grocery shopping for mother. I basically got what she asked for, tweaked it a little, and bought a few things for me. :)
Picked up the serving size packets of cereal, massive bottle of diet vanilla coke (yum), soy icecream (86 cals for 2 scoops), spinach and cheese filled pasta..
that pasta is suprisingly low calories. The whole packet is 2 servings, and its like 150 calsish per serving. So, win! Coz it's deeeeelish.
I also bought some apple cider vinegar, gum and a magazine.
I know.. gum - it's like a habit I just can't kick. I wasn't planning on buying any, but then I had some spare change.. and it was there at the count for just $1.50! And it was my fave flavour - lime. Haven't opened the packet though..
So then after that I called my friend up and we went for a walk together, we ended up going to the grocery store and randomly browsing the aisles and seeing what we shouldn't eat.. Yeah, I live in the most boring city ever.
But it takes like 20 minutes to walk to the grocery store, so that's like another 40 minutes of walking.
Ooooh I'm about to go see Toy Story 3! I'm excited, who's excited for me?
Yeah. So. cool.
bye.

Hair, groceries, fail (not me)

So I had nachos last night at my friend's place for dinner (I slept over)
probably like no more than 1000 calories. And that's alright, it's still a defeciet for today :)
This morning my friend dyed my hair, she's a hairdresser so it was cool. She put red highlights in under and I rather like it.. And there was some thinspirational magazines to read at the salon. I forgot how much I like salons, I haven't had my hair done in ages.
So currently I'm sipping green tea and listening to Regina Spektor (what a babe), I'm about to walk to the shops and get groceries for mother dearest. While I'm there I need to pick up some apple cider vinegar ($3) and NO gum. Coz dude, I go through gum like crazy, THREE PACKETS yesterday. And it just makes me want flavour and it makes me hungrier.. and I suppose hunger is meant to be a good feeling, but I can't get TOO hungry lol. OH and it's about 1.30pm and I haven't eaten yet, haven't even thought about it really. Awesome.
Last night I was reading through random "thinspo" blogs with my friend, and we read this girl who just everyday was like "So here is today's plan" and then a few hours later she would repost with "FAIL FAIL FAIL I AM FAT" and it just got tiring and a repetitive and even a little stupid just how little self control she had. I don't think I want to be like that.. :S
Anyway, gotta run. (hahaa run) byeeee :)

Miso miso, oriental prince in the land of soup!

It's like my brain gets all extra hyped when I gor a walk, because suddenly I have all these thoughts and of course that's great.. but I need to vent them a bit. And it's 11:36am, still early.
So to start off, I went for a walk! (Obviously) It was about 40 minutes and half of it was uphill. And now I'm sipping my second cup of green tea. I do feel a tad little bit proud of myself. Aha then I see myself.. And then I think "but wait, if I can be this awesome everyday then soon it will reflect in my body". It rained last night, this immediately made me think "Oh no, what if rain prohibits me from exercise!" but it didn't.. apparently the gods (?) love me.. Except I'm atheist, maybe a little TOO atheist. Anyway, the rain left the air really fresh and nice for my walk. Lovely. And also walking early / as soon as I wake makes me NOT want to eat coz instead of "may as well burn off the days calories", it's "I don't want to ruin my hard work!".

I just got a text from my friend, she wants to meet in town at one of our favourite cafes. We have a few. Awesome, town is about a 45 minute walk, and she might even wanna walk there with me (she's into exercise and shit too). So I'll be leaving soon, I'll just get black coffee at the cafe.

Incase you can't tell I'm happier than usual.. Well actually I'm USUALLY happy, but lately have not been due to my terrible bingeing.. silly me.
My computer is fixed, meaning my blog updates will be more frequent (and annoying) as usual.
I'm having this debate with myself over whether or not to drink diet sodas.. I mean, it could be filling and delicious and calorie free. But it could also make me crave sugary crap. Arrghhh I don't know.

I've worked out what food I'm going to be eating this holidays.
Cereal <<>Awesome. I can live of cereal now! And I can buy those little serving size packets so that I can't do that thing where I keep going back to get more.. and I LOVE cereal, it's like my fave food. Rice bubbles, nutri-grain, weet bix, fruity bites.. Ahh <3>

I have 13 days left of these holidays, I have to make my goal of losing 5kg this holidays, 7700 calories in 1kg.. that's 38500 calories I have to burn. Divided by 13, that's 2962 calories a day that I have gotta burn off. Okay that's a tad unrealistic, but I may as well set the bar high. I mean, I've already burned like 350 calories today haven't I? And yoga tonight..

I have GOT to remember that even small amounts of calories count. so when I suddenly go for a binge, and I think "Oh well I've eaten this much, may as well just have another cookie" even if I don't want it that much.. JUST FUCKING DON'T. Because I'll end up paying for it later.. Like 90 calories in a cookie usually, thats like 10 extra minutes of running I'm gonna have to do to burn it off.
Oh shit, gotta run, I'll post this later..

Hey look, it's now later..
Okay well now it's about 5pm. I just got home, I went to that cafe with my friend.. Unfortunately I was running late and ended up walking the first 20 minutes and then catching a bus the rest of the way. But I walked home, it was tempting to catch a bus, but I ended up running out of bus money anyway ;) I got black coffee with my friend, and she got a banana smoothie. She thought it was weird I was drinking it without milk / sugar. Oh well. I found a whole bunch of stuff I'm gonna start buying. Mmmmmmm food without calories :P I also ended up buying an instant miso soup serving to have tomorrow or another day (30 calories / 40 cents) wow, costs more than the calories in it... Unlike the tempting mars bars at the grocery store (250 calories / 35 cents).. How annoying. I also bought a shitload of gum, even though I said I should stop chewing gum, but I really needed something sweet, can you blame me? I ate one piece of pasta, but that was only coz my friend was eating pasta for lunch and she insisted I try it. I didn't want to be suss. Oh well.

So that's about 2 hours of walking fast / uphill today.. like 1000 calories burnt? Awesome sauce!

So does apple cider vinegar work or is that all just a myth? Argh, it's like 3 dollars at my local grocery, thinking I might try it.

Oh and I figured out why asians are small.. they drink green tea, eat seaweed and fill up on miso soup!.. (kidding about the stereotyping)

Yeah I'm gonna go now. Byeeeeeee.

:)

2600

Like my actual intake.
600 calories worth of nachos
700 calories worth of milo with milk
200 calorie toast (1 extra thick slice with butter)
150 calories nutri-grain with soymilk
250 calorie mars bar
300 calorie piece of cake
400 calories - 2 scoop icecream with a baked apple
2600.. wow. that's more than I recall.
See.. I gotta learn to add it up more carefully in my head.. but that is exaggerated a lil.

Tomorrow when I wake there's a few things I need to pick up, fortunately this includes walking to the shops. But I'm too embarassed to buy this stuff from my local grocery, coz they all know me.. So I'll walk to the larger supermarket 10 minutes further away. cool :)
Okay,
apple cider vinegar, diet soda, gum, celery, maybe seaweed snacks, and I believe I'm going to town so I'll get some espresso in a can.

I LOVE coffee, man it's delicious.
So I'll just get some black coffee with ma friend tomorrow. Awesome.

Rules rules everywhere but not a drop to drink?

2100 calories.
Man I'm fat. But at least that's what I'm apparently meant to eat in a day.
Mother made me eat lunch, and I always do this stupidass thing where if I break it once I think "oh I may as well go all out"..
So I had some sugary crap. And I was thinking about having pasta and then I was like "waaaaaaaaait, that's stupid, NO".. So I'm finally feeling kinda hungry, and I LOVE it.
Then I hung out with a friend and we baked cake. I wish that it wasn't normal to make food with people and eat it..
I'm gonna stop chewing gum, it just makes me want food.
I have a new rule, coz I know the idea of me fasting is slightly impossible with parents and friends in my life and of course I don't want to isolate myself.
I will ONLY eat as to not arouse suspicion, and I will eat the BARE MINIMUM.
Cool :)
So tomorrow I'm meeting a friend for lunch at a cafe, I won't go into my mum's work. So I can skip breakfast, and then just get coffee and skip lunch, and then I'm going to yoga with a friend (meaning that stupid me can't avoid it) and then sleeping at hers, so I'll say I already ate and then that means tomorrow can be a successful fast (wooo!)
:D
I saw some thinspo today that REALLY set me back on track..

Stupid baker.

And I don't want to lie, but then again, I don't want to tell the truth.
Because I made it to about 2000 calories.
I ate soup and bread.
Bread. Bread. Bread.
I have gotta stop baking.
Just don't do it. K?
I'm allowed to bake something when I lost 5kg.
Cool.
My fast begins in 45 minutes. But honestly I began it about an hour ago.. the sooner I start the better it will be. I have a game of soccer tomorrow, awesome.
I'll do what I can.
Wish me luck. But I don't need it?
Coz it's not about luck.. mostly. It's about willpower.

When did I fall off the wagon??

So without even realising it I've become so off track. And I don't want to be, because I know that I don't have too much further to go. It was easy at the beginning, so simple.
So today so far I've had 1090 calories. I'm drinking homemade chai.. Deeelicious.
I've realised that I need to stop eating muesli bars, I always eat too many and the calories really add up. I'm gonna eat foods that have the same calories but are so much more filling.
GET BACK ON TRACK GET BACK ON TRACK GET BACK ON TRACK.
So tomorrow will be a fast. It will. I love the feeling of when the clock hits midnight and I've just completed another fast.
I hate the fact that I love to cook.
I love to bake and cook and everything.
Right now I'm in the middle of baking bread.
I can't help it!!!
But I start helping my mum at her job thing tomorrow, making food for people at this thing.
I actually make the promise that unless I am forced I will not eat tomorrow.
I have not weighed myself in like 2 weeks. I don't think I want to.
goodbye..

Fatter?

Fuck man.
I literally feel fatter. I haven't weighed myself for at least 2 weeks..
I know that I am probably not, but I feel fatter.
So today I stopped counting, it got too much for me to bare. My estimate would be about 2500 calories. That is what I'm apparently supposed to have for a day. But the day is not over. I'm sleeping at a friend's house tonight, and her mother is cooking me dinner.
I can not avoid. I can not not eat.
I miss the feeling of not having food in my stomach.. It's such a nice comforting feeling. I've grown to love slightly blacking out.. Soon, I can NOT wait until my mother works all day and I don't eat all day.. If I can avoid breakfast tomorrow, I will. I daresay I won't be able to though considering I'll be at her house.
I WANT to exercise, I do. But I haven't found the time.

Too much pizza.

I woke up yesterday morning at about quarter to 8, and the first thing I did was go for a run.

I didn't even think about it, just got up, found some trackies and left.

It lasted about half an hour, but it still doesn't feel like enough.

That was brilliant, and then I faked having consumed breakfast, and then we got on the train to go see my auntie.

Momma kept offering me food on the train and I of course kept refusing.

And then I fell asleep and she forgot about it.

But then.. I got to my aunt's house (she's really cool) and my mum went to some meeting in the city and then me and my aunt had plans to go get some dinner somewhere.

Unavoidable.

We ended up getting pizza, apparently she thinks that a family size is good for two people. Her boyfriend even called to say that she'll need to get another medium for him..

I wouldn't normally even eat a small by myself..

Well anyway, then she decided dessert was necessary as well..

So I chose to get a bag of those weigh in lollies.

I got like 10 little pieces.

I think I ate enough calories for a whole day.

Kinda destroys the purpose of having skipped breakfast and lunch.

It was fun, just.. now I feel fat.

But good news, holidays began this morning officially.

Holidays are my time to lose (in a good way).

Mum will be at work for most of them, so I can pretend to eat all the food I like, and I plan on going for the same run everyday.

That is my promise.

I will go for that run everyday.