Oh fuck it's been so long since the last post I made.. I guess I just lost the habit, I miss it though, I'm back.
So my weight? Yeah it's fucking whalish after christmas and just me being fat in general, 65.3kg, this morning. I've GOT to lose that, I just have to. So I'm going to start going to the gym heaps and not eating. I've been having the choice to see my boyfriend, or go to the gym... And what do I pick? Fuck.
So my mother, she got really angry at me when she found out that I starved myself and such. But I heard her telling people yesterday that she's fasting and stuff for weight loss. I've gotta do this.
I've had one cup of tea this morning, with full cream milk - 40 calories? I hope I stay under 500 for the day.
And a fruit salad.. 70 calories around.
That's 110 calories today. 390 to go.
I have a boyfriend of 2 month, I've talked about him before.
Him and I are the complete opposite people..
He is against all the things that I do, and have always done (drinking, smoking, drugs etc..) He's a 'praying, church attending' christian, and I'm an very firm atheist. He loves meat, I'm an on-off vegan and always vegetarian. He likes all the music and movies I don't, and I like all the music and movies he doesn't.
But we get on just fine. And his sister (she's my age), she's become a good friend, except she used to hate me because apparently that's what she does with all his girlfriends, which is true because I remember before he broke up with his last girlfriend for me, she was telling me about how much she hates her.
So yeah, I pretty much live at their place, meaning eating because insists, and eating because his mother insists.
I have two jobs now, one at a coffee place and the other at a salad/sandwich bar. The sandwich bar, is run by an Italian family who always call me 'bella' and 'darling' and when annoyed they say 'mamma mia!' Ha, gotta love it. I'm earning way more than I used to.. I have a list of things I'm saving to buy - a treadmill, a tv, a rug for my room, a new laptop because mine is way past it's use by date, and a new ipod because mine is totally broken. The other day my mother took out 130 dollars out of my account, because I said she could take out 30, fuck that. It was only to 'borrow' but she could have asked me. And when I confronted her, she denied it at first and then admitted and then payed me back, but within a few days she asked to borrow another 100. Well jesus christ, why did I even get a job?
And I'm getting pet ferrets! Woo! I'm so excited. How can you not love them? I was going to get pet rats at first, but my dad decided he liked ferrets better, and so do I.. It's just that they are much more expensive. I used to have an ex who had pet ferrets, we took them for walks and stuff. Sometimes we even took them to my favourite cafe and tied them to the leg of the chairs and let them run around, it was great.
So got any good ferret names anybody?
I'm currently staying at my uncles place, he lives sort of out in the country, in a small town. We went for two mini bushwalks, they were tiring but awesome, nature is so beautiful! My cousin is like the hot version of me, it sucks a little bit, but she's so nice. My mother and I were supposed to leave yesterday morning, but our car broke down, so we stayed the night, my dad is coming to get me this morning and my mother is staying another night. I was supposed to spend the last two nights at my boyfriend's because his mother is out of town.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Cheer up, love.
Today is my father's birthday. How do I feel? I don't know anymore! It's killing me. I skipped out on school yesterday to see the boy again... It was fun, we chilled at his house all day watching TV, making out on the couch and such. And later we went to a friend's place and swam in his pool, me in a singlet and board shorts, I hope to god I looked alright, the water was freezing cold. I went to my dad's house after and stayed the night, not watching much on TV and eating food. But not too much food. I made us dinner - vegie burgers, delicious really. And then we ate ice-cream. I was texting the boy, and he said that whenever I'm gone, his (and my, but more his) guy friends start going on about how hot I am. I'm not being 'modest', but I really am shocked by that. I've never thought myself that way.. I just see fat, baby faced, gross. It made me feel better. I have a fear of being seen by people. I really do. It's sort of irrational, sort of not. Right now I don't know what I want to do. I really don't know. I'm going to start eating as healthily as possible, not smoking, and exercising. Because honestly I'm a million times happier when I am living that way, even if pounds aren't constantly dropping off due to starvation. And now I have this boy I don't feel so uncomfortable being me.
But I still hate myself, I would kill to be someone else. I don't know why I hate myself so much, I just do... For now. I'm working on it.
But I still hate myself, I would kill to be someone else. I don't know why I hate myself so much, I just do... For now. I'm working on it.Wish me luck.
I like to be alone, because being around people makes me uncomfortable. I'm learning to change that.
I have a Tumblr now!
Check it! :)
Lily Allen is a massive role model to me, because she is like me in so many ways.. but she handles it a lot better than I do.
<3
Monday, October 18, 2010
What's wrong with me?
Does it ever end?
Like, when you're waiting for life to get better, does it? Does it ever? Because honestly I've been waiting about 1 year and 4 months. Everyday, I'm alone. And I can't be with people because I feel uncomfortable being MYSELF.. I HATE BEING ME. Fuck. I wish I had a family. Why does everyone else get one? I hate being me so much I just want to be somebody else. It's like, I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone. That's an Audrey Hepburn quote you know. I have so much responsibility put on me, but no happiness.
Like, when you're waiting for life to get better, does it? Does it ever? Because honestly I've been waiting about 1 year and 4 months. Everyday, I'm alone. And I can't be with people because I feel uncomfortable being MYSELF.. I HATE BEING ME. Fuck. I wish I had a family. Why does everyone else get one? I hate being me so much I just want to be somebody else. It's like, I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone. That's an Audrey Hepburn quote you know. I have so much responsibility put on me, but no happiness.
Look at me, actually no please don't, I hate that.
"I get ill from one cigarette!" *cough cough cough*
So.. yeah that's me & Sandra Dee.
The other night I was so in a mood to binge, so I chain smoked a bit to avoid, it works... I don't think my body's used to it. And I over did it. And I felt SO ill, and now when even I just have one I get nauseous and ill.
Today our math teacher didn't show up, so me and a friend walked to the park to smoke. She's the friend who can make me feel so much like shit and she DID for a bit in the day, but then was being nice. I can never tell anymore..
I had some m&ms for lunch. But it was strangely controlled.
Did you know a malteser have 11 calories in 1??? Holy shit, how is that even possible?
My friends wanted me to come to town after school, but I'm seeing the boy (only for a few minutes).. but still. And then hanging out with my friend at HIS house, god everyone thinks I like him.
If you knew who Angus & Julia Stone were, then you'd be pleased to know Julia has a new solo album, it's GREAT but so so dark.
I ran into my ex when I was with the boy, holding hands the other day. I was afraid this might make him stop talking to me, coz we've been friends again lately. But luckily we were still chatting and such today.. It's nice.
Anyway, gonna go drink my tea. Got a new fave! Vanilla sleepytime tea. It's delicious.
Ta ta <3
So.. yeah that's me & Sandra Dee.
The other night I was so in a mood to binge, so I chain smoked a bit to avoid, it works... I don't think my body's used to it. And I over did it. And I felt SO ill, and now when even I just have one I get nauseous and ill.
Today our math teacher didn't show up, so me and a friend walked to the park to smoke. She's the friend who can make me feel so much like shit and she DID for a bit in the day, but then was being nice. I can never tell anymore..
I had some m&ms for lunch. But it was strangely controlled.
Did you know a malteser have 11 calories in 1??? Holy shit, how is that even possible?
My friends wanted me to come to town after school, but I'm seeing the boy (only for a few minutes).. but still. And then hanging out with my friend at HIS house, god everyone thinks I like him.
If you knew who Angus & Julia Stone were, then you'd be pleased to know Julia has a new solo album, it's GREAT but so so dark.
I ran into my ex when I was with the boy, holding hands the other day. I was afraid this might make him stop talking to me, coz we've been friends again lately. But luckily we were still chatting and such today.. It's nice.
Anyway, gonna go drink my tea. Got a new fave! Vanilla sleepytime tea. It's delicious.
Ta ta <3
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Another Day.
Met up with boy and his sister today... I was craving a cigarette all day.
I went to their dad's apartment with them and we watched movies and such.
One sister made cookies, I didn't take any. Then she looked at me and said "Why aren't you eating any cookies??" and so boy took a cookie and put it into my mouth.. Hmm.. I chucked a quarter of it in the bin when they weren't looking.
And then she made pancakes too. Gave me one..
And then nachos. GOSH. Calm down with the food!
But yeah, I really like this guy.
I wonder if we'll have sex.. Thing is that I WANT to.. But it scares me because I'm afraid I'll be terrible, also I hate my body...
I have an audition tomorrow! Yay.
Intake:
Berries - 50
2x Carrots with Sweet Potato Dip - 100
4x Coffee Lollies - 70
1 Cookie - 90
1 Pancake - 70
Nachos - 250
= 620
Holybageebazas things add up quick!
Cool, peace.
I went to their dad's apartment with them and we watched movies and such.
One sister made cookies, I didn't take any. Then she looked at me and said "Why aren't you eating any cookies??" and so boy took a cookie and put it into my mouth.. Hmm.. I chucked a quarter of it in the bin when they weren't looking.
And then she made pancakes too. Gave me one..
And then nachos. GOSH. Calm down with the food!
But yeah, I really like this guy.
I wonder if we'll have sex.. Thing is that I WANT to.. But it scares me because I'm afraid I'll be terrible, also I hate my body...
I have an audition tomorrow! Yay.
Intake:
Berries - 50
2x Carrots with Sweet Potato Dip - 100
4x Coffee Lollies - 70
1 Cookie - 90
1 Pancake - 70
Nachos - 250
= 620
Holybageebazas things add up quick!
Cool, peace.
<3
Skipping, Smoking, Piano..
I skipped school yesterday, caught a bus to the boyfriend's house. We stayed in watching Scrubs and him eating.
I ate nothing but a menthol all day, and that was only because I had a cigarette on my way to meet him, and he disapproves of smoking, in a way - so do I. But I need it, to calm me.
When I've had boyfriends in the past, they usually make me happy, but it's different now. It's not that I don't like him, coz I really do.. It's just not bothering me either way. I think I've taught myself to be alone, to LIKE being alone.
I stayed at my dad's house later that night. He ordered a pizza. I picked at two slices and threw two away when he wasn't looking.. I came back to mum's in the morning and she near forced pancakes down my throat.. I didn't have any. It was tempting though. I learnt a new song on piano, Real Love - Regina Spektor - it's a great song.
Hmm what else? Nothing much. It's about 1pm and I've had about 50 berries.. and a carrot. About 70 calories..
BTW - Irene if you read this, does your discussion board still work??
Email me? atthesnow@hotmail.com..
I ate nothing but a menthol all day, and that was only because I had a cigarette on my way to meet him, and he disapproves of smoking, in a way - so do I. But I need it, to calm me.
When I've had boyfriends in the past, they usually make me happy, but it's different now. It's not that I don't like him, coz I really do.. It's just not bothering me either way. I think I've taught myself to be alone, to LIKE being alone.
I stayed at my dad's house later that night. He ordered a pizza. I picked at two slices and threw two away when he wasn't looking.. I came back to mum's in the morning and she near forced pancakes down my throat.. I didn't have any. It was tempting though. I learnt a new song on piano, Real Love - Regina Spektor - it's a great song.
Hmm what else? Nothing much. It's about 1pm and I've had about 50 berries.. and a carrot. About 70 calories..
BTW - Irene if you read this, does your discussion board still work??
Email me? atthesnow@hotmail.com..
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Crash, love, calm.
I think I'm depressed or something.
But I don't know, I've never been depressed.
I just feel so down ALL the time, I can't be alone because then I THINK too much and that just makes me sad. And I used to have reasons for being sad, but lately it's more of sad.... *reason to be happy*... sad again. Or stressed, or just uncomfortable in my own skin.
I haven't posted in so long, and it's because every time I want to I can't find the mind capacity...
A lot has happened but I'm afraid I can't post how I felt for most because I don't remember much.
I was at my friend's house about 2 weeks ago, playing cluedo her friend came in with her boyfriend and asked if we wanted to road trip to the beach.. It was tons of fun, driving there.. And then we stopped at someone's house so the boyfriend could talk to his friend.. His friend decided it'd be fun to drive around the streets a bit. But then he sped up to140km/h (86m/h) and tried to turn and went straight into somebody's house. The police said they were surprised anyone was alive from the crash, but all anyone got was a few cuts and bruises. I've realized how easily I bruise, I got one on my finger and one on my arm. Giving statements to the police is painfully slow, I swear I told them what happened about 20 times. The crash was the most terrifying experience, yet I wasn't upset like everyone else in the car was... I didn't really have much emotion about the whole thing at all, like indifference. I actually kind of enjoyed the adrenaline rush from crashing.. My mum still doesn't know, the cops said they had to inform her but never did.
I spent all my holidays performing in a theater show nearly everyday and it was so much fun. I hardly went home and stayed with my friends in the cast at various people's houses. Unfortunately that screwed up my eating habits badly. I gained a li'l, I'm not enjoying it. I have another audition on Saturday, I'm praying I get in.
I have a boyfriend as of 4 days ago. But I've liked him for awhile, he's the one that I went ice skating with about 2 months ago and he was in the show with me. It didn't even feel like anything was going to happen, as he has a girlfriend.. But then we both stayed at a friend's house and ended up sharing a bed due to.. well, not really lack of beds, more just he wanted the bed I was in so he just joined me. We ended up kissing.. It's strange, then we talked about whether or not to go out and we weren't sure. But he was certain he was going to break up with his girlfriend. But eventually we did sort it out and now we are. I feel like this SHOULD make me happy, but I'm feeling so nonchalant about it, the only reason it's stopping me from being sad is because it's something to THINK about. Sometimes I think I could like this cool kid I always hang out with down my street, they're both so different people. The boyfriend is very straight edge and against me doing drugs.. The other one likes smoking and burning stuff.
Mother went through my things and found my food diary, I wanted to get angry but I knew if I did it might just make it worse, so now I have pent up anger towards her. This morning she blocked the door from me so I could leave for school until i ate 5 spoons of porridge. I wanted to cry or something.
I've started smoking a bit but I still think it's a dirty habit. I can't help it, it calms me down so much. And the people I hang out with do it a lot.
Intake today:
5 spoons porridge. - 30..
1 black coffee. - 1.
Tablespoon of powdered oreo - 40
Piece of pop tart - 30
= 101
<3
But I don't know, I've never been depressed.
I just feel so down ALL the time, I can't be alone because then I THINK too much and that just makes me sad. And I used to have reasons for being sad, but lately it's more of sad.... *reason to be happy*... sad again. Or stressed, or just uncomfortable in my own skin.
I haven't posted in so long, and it's because every time I want to I can't find the mind capacity...
A lot has happened but I'm afraid I can't post how I felt for most because I don't remember much.
 |
| Yes, I was in that car. |
I was at my friend's house about 2 weeks ago, playing cluedo her friend came in with her boyfriend and asked if we wanted to road trip to the beach.. It was tons of fun, driving there.. And then we stopped at someone's house so the boyfriend could talk to his friend.. His friend decided it'd be fun to drive around the streets a bit. But then he sped up to140km/h (86m/h) and tried to turn and went straight into somebody's house. The police said they were surprised anyone was alive from the crash, but all anyone got was a few cuts and bruises. I've realized how easily I bruise, I got one on my finger and one on my arm. Giving statements to the police is painfully slow, I swear I told them what happened about 20 times. The crash was the most terrifying experience, yet I wasn't upset like everyone else in the car was... I didn't really have much emotion about the whole thing at all, like indifference. I actually kind of enjoyed the adrenaline rush from crashing.. My mum still doesn't know, the cops said they had to inform her but never did.
I spent all my holidays performing in a theater show nearly everyday and it was so much fun. I hardly went home and stayed with my friends in the cast at various people's houses. Unfortunately that screwed up my eating habits badly. I gained a li'l, I'm not enjoying it. I have another audition on Saturday, I'm praying I get in.
I have a boyfriend as of 4 days ago. But I've liked him for awhile, he's the one that I went ice skating with about 2 months ago and he was in the show with me. It didn't even feel like anything was going to happen, as he has a girlfriend.. But then we both stayed at a friend's house and ended up sharing a bed due to.. well, not really lack of beds, more just he wanted the bed I was in so he just joined me. We ended up kissing.. It's strange, then we talked about whether or not to go out and we weren't sure. But he was certain he was going to break up with his girlfriend. But eventually we did sort it out and now we are. I feel like this SHOULD make me happy, but I'm feeling so nonchalant about it, the only reason it's stopping me from being sad is because it's something to THINK about. Sometimes I think I could like this cool kid I always hang out with down my street, they're both so different people. The boyfriend is very straight edge and against me doing drugs.. The other one likes smoking and burning stuff.
Mother went through my things and found my food diary, I wanted to get angry but I knew if I did it might just make it worse, so now I have pent up anger towards her. This morning she blocked the door from me so I could leave for school until i ate 5 spoons of porridge. I wanted to cry or something.
I've started smoking a bit but I still think it's a dirty habit. I can't help it, it calms me down so much. And the people I hang out with do it a lot.
Intake today:
5 spoons porridge. - 30..
1 black coffee. - 1.
Tablespoon of powdered oreo - 40
Piece of pop tart - 30
= 101
<3
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Time spent wasting is not wasted time.
I don't want to waste a minute. Or a second. I don't want to waste any time on FOOD. And if I'm ALWAYS never eating then I'll never lose a second will I?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Non-chalant
There's something I want. But I can't quite understand what.
I keep wanting to say something to somebody like "I want to just never eat again" or "I wish I was thin" or "I wish I could curl up into a ball and die when I please" and then I realise how un-normal these statements are. They're totally un-normal things to want. I mean, yeah, a lot of people wish they were thin, but I'm in fact surprised by how many people I know who just don't care. I wonder if they do care but PRETEND they don't care. I don't wish to be me anymore. I really don't. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window, and I don't like it. Not because I think I'm hideous or anything, I get to told far to often that I'm pretty or gorgeous or beautiful, I just can't stand the fact that I am ME anymore, it's killing me and I don't even know why. I want to be not me, high all the time, I just want this constant high. And you get that from fasting, and the thing is that it's not even about being thin, because it IS but then again it's not. I used to fast so well, and it did scare me a lot but it was the most intense experience. I remember I had this one point in time of my life, at least 6 months where everything was great, awesome, normal. I ate tons, but it WASN'T tons, it wasn't much, and it didn't matter how much or how little it was. I was happy and laid-back and happy.
I keep wanting to say something to somebody like "I want to just never eat again" or "I wish I was thin" or "I wish I could curl up into a ball and die when I please" and then I realise how un-normal these statements are. They're totally un-normal things to want. I mean, yeah, a lot of people wish they were thin, but I'm in fact surprised by how many people I know who just don't care. I wonder if they do care but PRETEND they don't care. I don't wish to be me anymore. I really don't. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window, and I don't like it. Not because I think I'm hideous or anything, I get to told far to often that I'm pretty or gorgeous or beautiful, I just can't stand the fact that I am ME anymore, it's killing me and I don't even know why. I want to be not me, high all the time, I just want this constant high. And you get that from fasting, and the thing is that it's not even about being thin, because it IS but then again it's not. I used to fast so well, and it did scare me a lot but it was the most intense experience. I remember I had this one point in time of my life, at least 6 months where everything was great, awesome, normal. I ate tons, but it WASN'T tons, it wasn't much, and it didn't matter how much or how little it was. I was happy and laid-back and happy.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Night Wanderer
I just had the strangest moment.
I had gone to the kitchen, hungry. Put two weet-bix in the bowl, poured some honey on, gotten a cup of tea and poured the milk on. I was about to start eating when suddenly I though 'wait, do I need this?'.. and I didn't really. So I chucked it out, knowing there's always more where that came from.
I, of course drank the tea. Lately I've been accidentally getting under 1000 calories and still feeling like a failure because it wasn't a plan and so I overeat later on. Which is stupid.
Last night I slept a friend's house, we watched Bruno and Marie Antoinette, Bruno was hilarious and Marie Antoinette was beautiful, I wish I could live like her. I want to live my life in a cottage in a field of grass and flowers and trees with a lake and animals and have a nice big comfy bed with a yak wool rug in my room. A big teapot always brewing. A massive bookshelf full of every wonderful book ever. And that would be it.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I've been getting insomnia lately, I just CAN'T sleep. I told my friend and he said if I can't sleep I can call him up and we can walk around at night, two insomniacs wandering the streets.
I've decided that I want to never have to sleep or eat. I just want to be invincible..
Hmm.
Goodnight.
1 pancake w maple syrup
1 bowl of porridge w honey
1 mini can baked beans
1/2 serving homemade fried rice
1 fruit and nut bar
1 lollipop
1 diet creme caramel
1 soother
1 carrot
2x serving low cal jello
= 750
I had gone to the kitchen, hungry. Put two weet-bix in the bowl, poured some honey on, gotten a cup of tea and poured the milk on. I was about to start eating when suddenly I though 'wait, do I need this?'.. and I didn't really. So I chucked it out, knowing there's always more where that came from.I, of course drank the tea. Lately I've been accidentally getting under 1000 calories and still feeling like a failure because it wasn't a plan and so I overeat later on. Which is stupid.
Last night I slept a friend's house, we watched Bruno and Marie Antoinette, Bruno was hilarious and Marie Antoinette was beautiful, I wish I could live like her. I want to live my life in a cottage in a field of grass and flowers and trees with a lake and animals and have a nice big comfy bed with a yak wool rug in my room. A big teapot always brewing. A massive bookshelf full of every wonderful book ever. And that would be it.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I've been getting insomnia lately, I just CAN'T sleep. I told my friend and he said if I can't sleep I can call him up and we can walk around at night, two insomniacs wandering the streets.
I've decided that I want to never have to sleep or eat. I just want to be invincible..
Hmm.
Goodnight.
1 pancake w maple syrup
1 bowl of porridge w honey
1 mini can baked beans
1/2 serving homemade fried rice
1 fruit and nut bar
1 lollipop
1 diet creme caramel
1 soother
1 carrot
2x serving low cal jello
= 750
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Sleeping forever.
 |
| Freja Beha Erichsen |
 |
| Kate Moss cooking an omelette |
2 mini croissants - 230
sultana bran - 170
crackers / chips.. - 150
1/2 samosa - 90
3 pieces lindt choc - 90
raspberry licorice bullets - 150
sesame snap - 40
1/2 a vegie noodles - 200
oreos - 140
carrot - 20
sugarfree energy drink - 7
mini muffin - 50
porridge - 100
= 1437
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Wow last night's post was really depressive.
Anyway, I'm not so much like that today, my hands are moving at like a million miles an hour while I write this and I'm chewing a piece of gum rapidly. I couldn't sleep very well. I went to sleep at about 2am, I uhhhh wait what was it? Oh yeah, I had a dream, a dream about god knows what but I remember enjoying it. I think I was thin in it - haha isn't that nice? I woke up at 8.30, I'm meant to be at school 5 to 9. But we have assembly today, they can never tell who was there for assembly and who wasn't, so win win. I just had 3 cups of coffee and running off the energy of that. I have rehearsal tonight, should be interesting. i think I'll go ice skating tomorrow after school.. I love ice skating, gosh I don't even know.
I love the Kooks. I'm wearing red lipstick. I matched it with beads.
Me and a boy worked out what we will be eating during production week of our show...
We worked this out due to me telling him he needs to try certain foods and love them and vice versa.
Baby food, coffee, oats, raspberry licorice bullets, koh kai nuts, green beans, chai, chilli chocolate, sesame snaps, nashi pears.
Should be interesting. Of course he'll be eating most of that ;)
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Ummmmmmmmm yeah.
I went to the markets on Saturday, they were great. I love the markets so much. The vibe, the smell, everything. I wish there were more markets, but I can always get my father to take me to them, in fact I might go to the fruit and veg markets on saturday! Oh wait, I think I'm going out for breakfast with people, then we're going ice skating, then to the movies. I'll just have coffee at breakfast (good because the place we're going is fucking expensive so I have an excuse, coffee is probably like 7 bucks) and then ICE SKATING meaning calories burnt. OH YEAH.
I'm sleeping at a friend's house that night, we organised to have a 'noodle night'.. hmm but she used to be anorexic and she's really into exercise so hopefully it will be fine. And on Friday night I have a good friend's party. I'm pumped! I'll see if this guy wants to do anything after that..
Spring is here, yet it's still rainy, windy, freezing. Fucking hell go away winter you meanie. hahahaha.
ABBEY LEE KERSHAW IS BLONDE :(
nooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I really want a Yak Wool blanket. Oh that would be my wish!
I've made a rule that every week I cross off something I'm known to binge on and don't binge on it. This week is peanut butter and boy am I glad coz before I used to get through like half a jar. which was bad coz a jar is like 2000 calories. SO YEAH. NEXT week is cereal. I always go pour 'just a little more' or 'just to finish off the milk'.. ya know??
Quotes I found recently that Ilike:
Byeeeeee <3
Also, anyone in aus?
Anyway, I'm not so much like that today, my hands are moving at like a million miles an hour while I write this and I'm chewing a piece of gum rapidly. I couldn't sleep very well. I went to sleep at about 2am, I uhhhh wait what was it? Oh yeah, I had a dream, a dream about god knows what but I remember enjoying it. I think I was thin in it - haha isn't that nice? I woke up at 8.30, I'm meant to be at school 5 to 9. But we have assembly today, they can never tell who was there for assembly and who wasn't, so win win. I just had 3 cups of coffee and running off the energy of that. I have rehearsal tonight, should be interesting. i think I'll go ice skating tomorrow after school.. I love ice skating, gosh I don't even know.
I love the Kooks. I'm wearing red lipstick. I matched it with beads.
Me and a boy worked out what we will be eating during production week of our show...
We worked this out due to me telling him he needs to try certain foods and love them and vice versa.
Baby food, coffee, oats, raspberry licorice bullets, koh kai nuts, green beans, chai, chilli chocolate, sesame snaps, nashi pears.
Should be interesting. Of course he'll be eating most of that ;)
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Ummmmmmmmm yeah.I went to the markets on Saturday, they were great. I love the markets so much. The vibe, the smell, everything. I wish there were more markets, but I can always get my father to take me to them, in fact I might go to the fruit and veg markets on saturday! Oh wait, I think I'm going out for breakfast with people, then we're going ice skating, then to the movies. I'll just have coffee at breakfast (good because the place we're going is fucking expensive so I have an excuse, coffee is probably like 7 bucks) and then ICE SKATING meaning calories burnt. OH YEAH.
I'm sleeping at a friend's house that night, we organised to have a 'noodle night'.. hmm but she used to be anorexic and she's really into exercise so hopefully it will be fine. And on Friday night I have a good friend's party. I'm pumped! I'll see if this guy wants to do anything after that..
Spring is here, yet it's still rainy, windy, freezing. Fucking hell go away winter you meanie. hahahaha.
ABBEY LEE KERSHAW IS BLONDE :(
nooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I really want a Yak Wool blanket. Oh that would be my wish!
I've made a rule that every week I cross off something I'm known to binge on and don't binge on it. This week is peanut butter and boy am I glad coz before I used to get through like half a jar. which was bad coz a jar is like 2000 calories. SO YEAH. NEXT week is cereal. I always go pour 'just a little more' or 'just to finish off the milk'.. ya know??
Quotes I found recently that Ilike:
- If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution
- I took the road less travelled by and that has made all the difference (it helps me, may not help you..)
- I had a hole in my heart, so I threw away my plate, because nothing filled me up, no matter what I ate
Byeeeeee <3
Also, anyone in aus?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Rain rain please stay
I'm sorry that I haven't posted in forever, the internet on my computer is down and I have to post this from my phone. I've been so off the wagon, the number on the scale and the size of my clothes has stayed the same yet I feel like I've gained a million and two pounds. I am not happy. I can't deal with anything. I just want to sit and cry in my room for the next month. In fact I've been crying all afternoon, I went for a run which helped, it's been raining which is nice – the air is fresh. This morning my "best friend" ignored the shit out of me, more than usual. She's been doing this for a while, and it's very complicated but she does these things which make me feel like absolute shit. I started crying in English class today, we didn't have a teacher (for some reason our school fails and the relief didn't come) and we watched the Simpsons, only one person noticed me crying but that's good. I was trying to hide behind my scarf and hair, but he's really nice and was wondering what was wrong.
My ex boyfriend texted me the other night, he's so amazingly sweet and I can't believe I ever let him go – I was such a fucking idiot. He's inviting me to his 18th birthday party, it's so sweet of him. The guy I dumped him for and I never got together but that's a whole other story, but HE and I are good friends, and he can cheer me up just because he actually always pays attention to me, strangely enough. And this guy that I had a thing with for awhile was talking to me last night, I thought he had forgotten me :] Perhaps there's something in the air, my OTHER ex boyfriend has been talking to me again – after ignoring me for half a year. He was the only person that made me happy for a while. I just realized how long it's been since I've felt truly content for more than a few days. I've had temporary bursts of happiness due to certain people making things better but I can't seem to get fixed permanently..
I'm going to fast for three days starting tomorrow, I feel so high when I fast and I love it. Fuck, wish me luck.
I found this amazing tea – it's fucking toffee flavoured. It TASTES like toffee, can I get a hell yeah? HELL YEAH. Well yeahh…. And I'm in love with carrots, I eat so goddamn many. Note to self – buy carrots.
I got my school report today – surprisingly enough I'm not failing anything, and no teachers want to speak to my parents – SCORE. So I don't even need to show my mum, she does freak out about nothing.
I'm reading Wasted again, it's actually a really good book and she's such a good writer… And then I'm going to also be reading a book called Wolf Brother – it's a great book.
I have been going to the gym more lately, but thing is that I can't get there unless my mum wants to go too, and she's lazy and never wants to go, AND then she won't let me go for a jog because it's 'dark outside and you might get hurt!'. Well screw that, I'll go after you fall to sleep. I want to start figure skating more, but it's SO expensive. I'm torn – perhaps when I finish this theater show?
Anyway, my mind is racing right now and I have the empty cried out feeling.
Goodnight! <3 Stay strong.
My ex boyfriend texted me the other night, he's so amazingly sweet and I can't believe I ever let him go – I was such a fucking idiot. He's inviting me to his 18th birthday party, it's so sweet of him. The guy I dumped him for and I never got together but that's a whole other story, but HE and I are good friends, and he can cheer me up just because he actually always pays attention to me, strangely enough. And this guy that I had a thing with for awhile was talking to me last night, I thought he had forgotten me :] Perhaps there's something in the air, my OTHER ex boyfriend has been talking to me again – after ignoring me for half a year. He was the only person that made me happy for a while. I just realized how long it's been since I've felt truly content for more than a few days. I've had temporary bursts of happiness due to certain people making things better but I can't seem to get fixed permanently..
I'm going to fast for three days starting tomorrow, I feel so high when I fast and I love it. Fuck, wish me luck.
I found this amazing tea – it's fucking toffee flavoured. It TASTES like toffee, can I get a hell yeah? HELL YEAH. Well yeahh…. And I'm in love with carrots, I eat so goddamn many. Note to self – buy carrots.
I got my school report today – surprisingly enough I'm not failing anything, and no teachers want to speak to my parents – SCORE. So I don't even need to show my mum, she does freak out about nothing.
I'm reading Wasted again, it's actually a really good book and she's such a good writer… And then I'm going to also be reading a book called Wolf Brother – it's a great book.
I have been going to the gym more lately, but thing is that I can't get there unless my mum wants to go too, and she's lazy and never wants to go, AND then she won't let me go for a jog because it's 'dark outside and you might get hurt!'. Well screw that, I'll go after you fall to sleep. I want to start figure skating more, but it's SO expensive. I'm torn – perhaps when I finish this theater show?
Anyway, my mind is racing right now and I have the empty cried out feeling.
Goodnight! <3 Stay strong.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I'm Not Yours
Light me up a cigarette and put it in my mouth.. You're the only one who wants me to die.
And I can think of a thousand reasons why, I don't believe in you.. I don't believe in you.
I'm not yours anymore.
I just had dinner. Pasta. when was the last time I had pasta? I don't know really. So my intake today has been good, I got bored hungry so I had some corncakes and coffee. And now I still have my coffee. Delicious, appetite suppressing coffee. :)
Intake:
banana - 90
2x carrot - 40
seaweed - 10
yoghurt - 70
baby food - 50
corn cakes - 120
pasta - 200
= 550
I find bananas and coffee are really good for the mornings. I went to my local grocery after school and bought 10 things of baby food for 5 dollars. Bargain. And a bag of carrots. Carrots are amazing, I love them. The side of my stomach is hurting like crazy and I don't even know why. I'm tossing up between going figure skating by myself to practice or bike riding tomorrow with a friend, hmm. Wish I could do both. But I am gonna go to the gym tomorrow night regardless.
I've set up a binge bag under my bed, it's filled with stuff to help me overcome those urges:
Gum, water, baby food, seaweed, corncakes, teas, apple cider vinegar.
Ahh you don't even know how much I want to go get some cereal or something. I MIGHT. Oh gosh. I hate sitting at home when hungry. I wanted to go the gym today, but mother was all like "nooo rah rah rah". Lame!
I had a drama performance today! It failed a little bit coz someome didn't learn their lines but it was okay. My ex spoke to me today! It was crazy, we haven't spoken for like 6 months and he just turns to me smiling and says "How's it going?", it was cool coz I enjoyed being friends with him. but whatevs. He has a cool brother.
My best friend is on a diet she told me about. Apparently you cut out all grains, beans and dairy. So you live on meat and veg.
Sounds a bit retarded. Like, meat is fat and protein and then no carbs? You do need SOME carbs otherwise your blood sugar drops and you go insane. haha at least that's how I feel when my blood sugar drops.
AAAND I just ate another half bagel with peanut butter.
hmm so that's 850 for the day.
Argh so tempting to have more. I'm lame.
goodbye!
And I can think of a thousand reasons why, I don't believe in you.. I don't believe in you.
I'm not yours anymore.
I just had dinner. Pasta. when was the last time I had pasta? I don't know really. So my intake today has been good, I got bored hungry so I had some corncakes and coffee. And now I still have my coffee. Delicious, appetite suppressing coffee. :)
Intake:
banana - 90
2x carrot - 40
seaweed - 10
yoghurt - 70
baby food - 50
corn cakes - 120
pasta - 200
= 550
I find bananas and coffee are really good for the mornings. I went to my local grocery after school and bought 10 things of baby food for 5 dollars. Bargain. And a bag of carrots. Carrots are amazing, I love them. The side of my stomach is hurting like crazy and I don't even know why. I'm tossing up between going figure skating by myself to practice or bike riding tomorrow with a friend, hmm. Wish I could do both. But I am gonna go to the gym tomorrow night regardless.
I've set up a binge bag under my bed, it's filled with stuff to help me overcome those urges:
Gum, water, baby food, seaweed, corncakes, teas, apple cider vinegar.
Ahh you don't even know how much I want to go get some cereal or something. I MIGHT. Oh gosh. I hate sitting at home when hungry. I wanted to go the gym today, but mother was all like "nooo rah rah rah". Lame!
I had a drama performance today! It failed a little bit coz someome didn't learn their lines but it was okay. My ex spoke to me today! It was crazy, we haven't spoken for like 6 months and he just turns to me smiling and says "How's it going?", it was cool coz I enjoyed being friends with him. but whatevs. He has a cool brother.
My best friend is on a diet she told me about. Apparently you cut out all grains, beans and dairy. So you live on meat and veg.
Sounds a bit retarded. Like, meat is fat and protein and then no carbs? You do need SOME carbs otherwise your blood sugar drops and you go insane. haha at least that's how I feel when my blood sugar drops.
AAAND I just ate another half bagel with peanut butter.
hmm so that's 850 for the day.
Argh so tempting to have more. I'm lame.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Yeah, so the past two days had been going really well when suddenly out of nowhere.. I GOT FRIENDS.
No wait, that sounded lame, okay so I hung out with friends. My day had been good so far (1 banana, 1 bagel, 2 carrots - 430) and it was around 5.30pm when I went to go meet my friend at the mall before we had rehearsal together. I got there and she was like 'do you wanna get food?' and I was all like 'nah I'm not hun-ger-ee' (even though I could feel my stomach yelling out for some food lol) and then we went to the grocery store and i got a bag of green beans (they're amazing) and she got a bag of lollies, for us to share :\
and then we went to the food court and met with some others, and she got chips and asked if I want to get them and share. I declined, so she got them and then KEPT offering them and being like 'have someee!!!'. I declined. but then later I slept at my other friend's house and she has junk and ahh I couldn't help it! I had like a half bag of chips and 2 chocolate pieces. I guess it's alright. like 1500ish for the day.
AND then there was today, I woke up and had to spend an hour on a bus going back to my house to meet my friend's for breakfast at this great cafe, I had pancakes O_o.. My total for the day is around 1500, but I'm okay with that because I went to the gym and burnt 515 calories. AND before the gym I had figure skating for an hour, and burnt like 400 I reckon. My skating teacher is giving me the option to be in the Christmas show, but I don't know - I think I'd be too embarassed coz I'm not that good. But I'm taking up another ice skating session per week - on Thursdays! :) I love it! and I finally renewed my gym membership today! I'll be going a lot more often! Good. Bike riding with a friend on Thursday after school OR figure skating - I can't decide...
There was a sale of baby food at my local supermarket today! 50c a pot, and it's about 50 calories a pot. 1c = 1calorie haha. Yeah so I'm gonna be eating that for a while!
I realised something - out of sight, out of mind - if I don't know the calories then it doesn't bother me nearly as much to eat a slice of cake. This is not good... I don't have much to say sorry! I always feel so great after working out, even if I don't want to beforehand - or like when I go figure skating or to dance class. I never want to go, but when I get there I LOVE IT. *Takes note of this*
I'm so exhausted and my feet have blisters - ow.
gonna watch Trueblood tonight!
Goodnight dears <3
:)
the Thigh's the limit (lol that was the name of a photoshoot, I thought it was cool)
No wait, that sounded lame, okay so I hung out with friends. My day had been good so far (1 banana, 1 bagel, 2 carrots - 430) and it was around 5.30pm when I went to go meet my friend at the mall before we had rehearsal together. I got there and she was like 'do you wanna get food?' and I was all like 'nah I'm not hun-ger-ee' (even though I could feel my stomach yelling out for some food lol) and then we went to the grocery store and i got a bag of green beans (they're amazing) and she got a bag of lollies, for us to share :\
and then we went to the food court and met with some others, and she got chips and asked if I want to get them and share. I declined, so she got them and then KEPT offering them and being like 'have someee!!!'. I declined. but then later I slept at my other friend's house and she has junk and ahh I couldn't help it! I had like a half bag of chips and 2 chocolate pieces. I guess it's alright. like 1500ish for the day.
AND then there was today, I woke up and had to spend an hour on a bus going back to my house to meet my friend's for breakfast at this great cafe, I had pancakes O_o.. My total for the day is around 1500, but I'm okay with that because I went to the gym and burnt 515 calories. AND before the gym I had figure skating for an hour, and burnt like 400 I reckon. My skating teacher is giving me the option to be in the Christmas show, but I don't know - I think I'd be too embarassed coz I'm not that good. But I'm taking up another ice skating session per week - on Thursdays! :) I love it! and I finally renewed my gym membership today! I'll be going a lot more often! Good. Bike riding with a friend on Thursday after school OR figure skating - I can't decide...
There was a sale of baby food at my local supermarket today! 50c a pot, and it's about 50 calories a pot. 1c = 1calorie haha. Yeah so I'm gonna be eating that for a while!
I realised something - out of sight, out of mind - if I don't know the calories then it doesn't bother me nearly as much to eat a slice of cake. This is not good... I don't have much to say sorry! I always feel so great after working out, even if I don't want to beforehand - or like when I go figure skating or to dance class. I never want to go, but when I get there I LOVE IT. *Takes note of this*
I'm so exhausted and my feet have blisters - ow.
gonna watch Trueblood tonight!
Goodnight dears <3
:)
the Thigh's the limit (lol that was the name of a photoshoot, I thought it was cool)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Short
I will update properly soon but I need to sleep.
Intake:
Baked beans - 150
Soup - 100
Carrot - 20
= 270
:)
Intake:
Baked beans - 150
Soup - 100
Carrot - 20
= 270
:)
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Today's intake
banana - 90
mandarin - 30
salad with mustard - 30
carrot - 20
apple - 70
roast vegies - 200
= 440
:)
mandarin - 30
salad with mustard - 30
carrot - 20
apple - 70
roast vegies - 200
= 440
:)
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Like a Lightswitch.
When I get into this, I get REALLY into this, it's all I can think about especially when my brain is like a zombie's from lack of food. I find myself boring and obsessive and so then I climb myself out of that hole and I fall COMPLETELY off the wagon and just eat whatever. I can't find a balance, there is NO balance. So what do I do?? I don't quite know. But then when I fall off I miss being empty and light and crazy and thinking NON stop and up all night and thinner every minute.
Anyway, I'm really boring right now.
Toodle-pip.
<3 I'm sorry for not posting. hope everyone is good.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Quickly.
(banana - 90
chai - 30) - breakfast
(baby food - 60
carrot - 20) - lunch
(mushrooms & rice - 120) - dinner
= 320
coolies. that'll be my food for tomorrow.
TODAY I did well, I had:
small bit of chickpea salad - 85
carrot and ginger soup - 50
chai - 100
blueberries - 15
baby food - 50
steamed vegies - 100
= 400 :)
chai - 30) - breakfast
(baby food - 60
carrot - 20) - lunch
(mushrooms & rice - 120) - dinner
= 320
coolies. that'll be my food for tomorrow.
TODAY I did well, I had:
small bit of chickpea salad - 85
carrot and ginger soup - 50
chai - 100
blueberries - 15
baby food - 50
steamed vegies - 100
= 400 :)
Monday, August 30, 2010
It's been a while.
I haven't posted in a fricking while, wow. Sorry.. I just haven't had much to say. And I've been so busy and stressed.
Okay this is exactly how I feel: I want to sit down for a day, have no one call me or talk to me. Have no thoughts, no pains, no responsibilities. Just relax. I've been so stressed..
Mumma dearest is BACK. We just went grocery shopping, picked up some cool shit, my favourites new thing being.......... Pomengranate white tea - 70 calories for the bottle! AND sesame snaps mini pack - 50 cals each pack.. Coooolies. Oh and I found these baby food pouches that are delicious and 50 calories in one. Perfect! Oh and I got two new books: A Clockwork Orange & One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
I also watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose and The Blair Witch Project with a friend, that was really good.
My head is like going ow ow ow. I think it hates me - because of late I've been kind to it with nutrients and water! I baked banana bread, like fucking health banana bread. It's got no fat or sugar, and dairy free. It's got oats, honey, bananas, chia seeds, applesauce, walnuts, high fiber soymilk and flour. That's it - yet it tastes amazing. I must bake more! Yay, but I think I'll add some dates.. Or blueberries. I almost got stonedon friday, but was like - nah... I won't coz I had to go home anyway.
I don't think that I want to be so self centered anymore. It's ridiculous, and I thought I was better than that. I spent friday night at my father's house, we got into a fight about my freedom after he had a spazz about me watching Dexter because apparently it's too violent for me.
I used to be so........ Oh my gosh. I wish I could explain my brain. But I can't. There's too much that I'm thinking but it's so difficult to tell. I just am forever fighting to be happy, and it sorta feels like happiness should come without effort. And every time I'm happy I'm just worried about how long that will last.
Have you ever worried that you might eat too much and die? Like, your body won't know what to do with the food and will just die? Your stomach can hold 4 liters of food, what if you ate more?? Some girl died from that.. she ate 5.6 liters of food before her stomach ruptured. She had anorexia and was binging. Sometimes I'm worried that I'm going to damage my organs from too much food.
I wish ever so much that I was a cat, they have the best lives. They just laze around and get fed and patted and stuff. AND they have 9 lives.
I've switched to oat milk, apparently soymilk has weird hormones in it that can make you fat, so my point is that this morning I had it with my weet bix, and boy was that weird. IT was like a mix between porridge and weet bix. I found some old photos of my father / brother, they are really lovely pictures. I think I'm allergic to something, I've been getting this thing where my stomach bloats out heaps and it's really really painful. I've had it recently a few times, maybe it's lactose intolerance from being vegan. In fact I've had it all day, and now I'm drinking peppermint tea to calm my stomach. I'm going to this crazy rave festival soon, it's called Dragon Dreaming, I am so excited!
Hmm.. You don't even know.
O_o
Okay this is exactly how I feel: I want to sit down for a day, have no one call me or talk to me. Have no thoughts, no pains, no responsibilities. Just relax. I've been so stressed..
Mumma dearest is BACK. We just went grocery shopping, picked up some cool shit, my favourites new thing being.......... Pomengranate white tea - 70 calories for the bottle! AND sesame snaps mini pack - 50 cals each pack.. Coooolies. Oh and I found these baby food pouches that are delicious and 50 calories in one. Perfect! Oh and I got two new books: A Clockwork Orange & One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.I also watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose and The Blair Witch Project with a friend, that was really good.
My head is like going ow ow ow. I think it hates me - because of late I've been kind to it with nutrients and water! I baked banana bread, like fucking health banana bread. It's got no fat or sugar, and dairy free. It's got oats, honey, bananas, chia seeds, applesauce, walnuts, high fiber soymilk and flour. That's it - yet it tastes amazing. I must bake more! Yay, but I think I'll add some dates.. Or blueberries. I almost got stonedon friday, but was like - nah... I won't coz I had to go home anyway.
I don't think that I want to be so self centered anymore. It's ridiculous, and I thought I was better than that. I spent friday night at my father's house, we got into a fight about my freedom after he had a spazz about me watching Dexter because apparently it's too violent for me.
I used to be so........ Oh my gosh. I wish I could explain my brain. But I can't. There's too much that I'm thinking but it's so difficult to tell. I just am forever fighting to be happy, and it sorta feels like happiness should come without effort. And every time I'm happy I'm just worried about how long that will last.
Have you ever worried that you might eat too much and die? Like, your body won't know what to do with the food and will just die? Your stomach can hold 4 liters of food, what if you ate more?? Some girl died from that.. she ate 5.6 liters of food before her stomach ruptured. She had anorexia and was binging. Sometimes I'm worried that I'm going to damage my organs from too much food.
I wish ever so much that I was a cat, they have the best lives. They just laze around and get fed and patted and stuff. AND they have 9 lives.
I've switched to oat milk, apparently soymilk has weird hormones in it that can make you fat, so my point is that this morning I had it with my weet bix, and boy was that weird. IT was like a mix between porridge and weet bix. I found some old photos of my father / brother, they are really lovely pictures. I think I'm allergic to something, I've been getting this thing where my stomach bloats out heaps and it's really really painful. I've had it recently a few times, maybe it's lactose intolerance from being vegan. In fact I've had it all day, and now I'm drinking peppermint tea to calm my stomach. I'm going to this crazy rave festival soon, it's called Dragon Dreaming, I am so excited!Hmm.. You don't even know.
O_o
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
zzzzzzzzzz
I'm tired so this is going to be very short.Intake:
High fiber cereal + vanilla soymilk - 150
Banana - 90
Avocado + tomato + lettuce on mega grain bread - 220
Carrot - 20
Fatfree Mango Yoghurt - 70
Some stew thing with rice - 200
Leftover noodles - 100
= 850
:)
that is all.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Today was good.
I found my knitting! And I need to finish this! :) I'm about to read Nancy Drew.
Okay, you know that book 'Wintergirls'? It kinda sucks. No offence if you like it, but the story was boring and sucky and didn't go anywhere. Today we had to do high jump in Pe and I can not say I enjoyed it one bit, It's not that I'm necessarily a bad jumper - it's just that I psych myself out and screw up. I had figure skating today again, I absolutely love it but today I just couldn't get it. Last week I was really good and everything was easy and came naturally, today took a lot of effort.
*Weird tips of the day - when binging (not that you should be), eat foods with a high fiber content - like seriously.. If you eat a bunch of cake, it's gonna like sit in your body for a few days, unleashing it's fatty horrible bloated feeling inside you. If you eat a bunch of porridge, you'll most likely shit it out the next day - trust me, it's much better. Besides, we binge because of lack of nutrients and our bodies are like "holy shit bro get me some nutrients what is this SHIT?????!" So, give it some - as much as you may want some crap, try and have something better for you.
 |
| Nancy Drew |
My best friend texted me at 8am this morning telling me that she was scared that her dad was about to hit her, she sort of ran away today and is staying at our other friend's house. Thing about that friend is that she used to be MY best friend, and for some reason she's not anymore and I don't know why..
I've been REALLY obssessed with clear skin. I mean, I've always had such naturally clear soft skin, but I've been looking up every different food to eat for good skin. Drinking coffee probably isn't helping me, but I can't deal without it, I just NEED a coffee in the morning.
I've decided I'm gonna bake banoffee cupcakes, they sound interesting eh? They're like banana, coffee and toffee cupcakes - it's kinda crazy.
 |
| Banoffee Pie, weird. |
The scab on my wrist where I burnt my skin cooking shortbread in cafe class has been picked at, by me. And is now constantly hurting - especially when I bend my wrist. I know I shouldn't but I love to play with blood, and I love scars, no idea why.
I'm happy. Isn't that nice? I hope you guys are too, okay now I'm going to reply to your comments coz I'm a terrible replier.. But seriously, I was feeling down but now I'm happy much happier. I seriously just want a good weekend of coffee and breakfast and watching The Sword in the Stone.
I'm kind of glad to go back to my own home, I miss the gym and I miss grocery shopping (haha I'm so lame), no but seriously grocery shopping is like really exciting for me. I have a gazillion lists on my phone of stuff to buy when grocery shopping, coz it's fun to find new things.
I've realised that my problem when I get to school is that EVERYWHERE I go somebody is eating something. So I just need a bunch of low cal food rather than say two higher calorie 'meal' items. So like.. seaweed (10), carrot (20), fruit (blah blah), fatfree yoghurt - 70... :)
I want to do a fast, I love doing them - I've been avoiding them for a few reasons, those being that I'm boring and irritable and tired when I don't eat. But it feels so good. Also I don't want to fuck up metabolism too much. So I may just do a small one, and then a raw food diet for a few days.
*Weird tips of the day - when binging (not that you should be), eat foods with a high fiber content - like seriously.. If you eat a bunch of cake, it's gonna like sit in your body for a few days, unleashing it's fatty horrible bloated feeling inside you. If you eat a bunch of porridge, you'll most likely shit it out the next day - trust me, it's much better. Besides, we binge because of lack of nutrients and our bodies are like "holy shit bro get me some nutrients what is this SHIT?????!" So, give it some - as much as you may want some crap, try and have something better for you.Intake was ton loads better today!!
Intake:
Fiber lift cereal + vanilla soy milk - 150
Carrot - 20
Avocado + tomato + lettuce sandwich on mega grain bread - 220
Nofat Sticky date yoghurt - 70
Banana - 90
Steamed vegies - 120
= 670
:) coooooool. goodnight cherub children. (lolwhat?)
<3
Monday, August 23, 2010
I like apple pie, and you like banoffee.
I realised that I'm a fag hag. Ohhh yeah.
Some guy has a thing for me, he's a bit euch.
I want to sleep forever.
I love love love black coffee.
I usually hate chicken, but I've been craving satay, butter & apricot chicken.
The Sword in the Stone is SO underrated as a Disney film.
I noticed that when a boy's taken, suddenly I'm so much more interested.
Some guy has a thing for me, he's a bit euch.
I want to sleep forever.
I love love love black coffee.
I usually hate chicken, but I've been craving satay, butter & apricot chicken.
The Sword in the Stone is SO underrated as a Disney film.
I noticed that when a boy's taken, suddenly I'm so much more interested.
Shame on me.
Fuck it. Again?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
3 bowls of cereal - 500
2 rice cakes with peanut butter and jam - 150
muesli bar - 110
apple - 70
seaweed - 10
fatfree yoghurt - 70
oriental noodles - 250
half packet wafers - 300
half a finger bun - 150
half a spinach and cheese pastry - 200
handful of gummy lollies - 150
bowl of curry and rice - 300
4 jatz with peanut butter and honey - 100
= 2360
aw shit. Okay well I've calmed down now, I'm okay. I can do this! Someone please like yell at me? Haha. If you're in a bad mood then I'm here and ready.
I'm drinking black coffee, it's like 10pm. Ha, I am NOT going to get any sleep. Oh well, goodnight then.
Hope whoever's reading is doing well (and by that I mean at least better than me!)
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
3 bowls of cereal - 500
2 rice cakes with peanut butter and jam - 150
muesli bar - 110
apple - 70
seaweed - 10
fatfree yoghurt - 70
oriental noodles - 250
half packet wafers - 300
half a finger bun - 150
half a spinach and cheese pastry - 200
handful of gummy lollies - 150
bowl of curry and rice - 300
4 jatz with peanut butter and honey - 100
= 2360
aw shit. Okay well I've calmed down now, I'm okay. I can do this! Someone please like yell at me? Haha. If you're in a bad mood then I'm here and ready.
I'm drinking black coffee, it's like 10pm. Ha, I am NOT going to get any sleep. Oh well, goodnight then.
Hope whoever's reading is doing well (and by that I mean at least better than me!)
Everything cool.
.jpg)
A few notes on these.
Most were taken from my friend's blog, however none are originals therefore I feel fine re-blogging them. A lot are of hot guys, that's because said friend who posted them is a gay guy. I do not promote smoking, I'm actually against it, but these photos are cool.
<3
Sunday, August 22, 2010
All I ate.
2 bowls of cereal (with a banana and milk)1 cupcake
handful of shape biscuits
spoon of brownie batter
2 digestive biscuits
1 bowl potato and leek soup
1 1/2 freddo frogs
2 pieces garlic pizza (small, thin)
3 corn cakes with peanut butter
roast veggies
1 hot chocolate
2 jatz crackers
Isn't it terrible? I've worked it out to be about 2100 calories. It was my binge - but I totally could have gone for more. I was on a BINGE (ie - out of control, but technically that amount of food really isn't that much, in fact it's normal for a lot of kids my age considering we're growing - it's that FEELING you get), but luckily I was at my friend's house (had a sleepover last night, we watched the election for our government - it still hasn't been decided and it's a hung parliament!! I hope to god liberal doesn't win), and up until the freddo that was basically the same as what she ate too.. We baked brownies, but I didn't have any, just ate some batter.. And it was just like friends hanging out and eating, as they do. But I was hung-er-ee (in a binge sorta way). And then I had rehearsal and bought a choc there, and then I got back home (to my neighbours) and had some corn cakes and garlic pizza out of the fridge. Then there was dinner.. (roast veggies) and the a hot choc. But I wanted more, but I literally could not have anymore due to me not being at home and all. I was so annoyed at the time, but now I'm very glad and the feeling has passed. Seriously, some advice - next time you want to binge try these (even if you don't want to at the time). Take a vitamin, drink 2 glasses of water and wait 10 minutes. Then have a black coffee and finish it completely, no cookies (or cake) with it. If you still want food after that, even take a nap. Sleeping always makes the feeling pass for me, OR put yourself in a position where you can't. Like get a friend to meet you for coffee, or get a friend to go out to a meal with you, which sounds kinda bad, but if you know you're going to binge anyway, how about have a good meal that you have to control and eat slowly and have to wait for the meal ;)
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| Our prime-ministerial candidates... |
Ummm yeah, I went to my friend's gig Friday night, she was amazing, the rest of the bands were average, a friend and I decided that it sounds like Foxtel menu music (if you know what that is haha), a few of my friends got really stoned before hand, so we all went to maccas, my best friend (who is usually vegan) ate 2 big macs and a large fries and a coke. That's around 1500 calories. Wow. wow wow wow. And she didn't care. I wish I had that kind of none caringness. Speaking of Foxtel (it's like cable tv basically), me and my friend spent all morning watching it, was awesome. Now I'm going to watch some DEXTER - ooooh yeah!
Kay, not much else to say - yesterday wasn't much better in terms of calories but yeah.
Sorry if I haven't been replying to comments of late - I've been so busy. Will soon ;)
Hope you guys (whoever you are :P) are doing fantastical, coz I don't know if I am, we'll see.
Ciao <3PS: Here's a note I wrote on the bus so that I could write it on here later:
"So I'm sitting on the bus, and I looked at this one girl and in my head I started to judge her as a person, based on her hair, body and outfit. But then I thought 'wait, nobody on this bus is sitting here judging me for how I'm dressed, we're all JUST people - that's it. Why would I be any better than her? Yes, maybe I could be - in terms of personality, but I certainly DON'T know her personally in the slightest, so how can I say I am??'"
Saturday, August 21, 2010
40 hours without food, for charity.
It is now the 40 hour famine! http://www.worldvision.com.au/40hourfamine.aspx
The idea is that you give up a comfort that you have for 40 hours and people sponsor you and raise money for the people who don't HAVE those comforts. Usually you give up food or sleep, but it can be anything that people would sponsor you for; I have a friend giving up electronics, I have another friend giving up sitting down. I personally am giving up food, but it does worry me - I used to fast all the time, it was like a necessity. I don't think it's a good habit for me, I'm better of being in control of the foods that I am eating rather than abstaining from completely. I don't know how I'm gonna manage this 40 hour famine, I don't know if I can really, being at my neighbour's house and all. I'll see how I go.
Okay so yesterday morning I stepped on the scale and I was 58.7 kilos, 1 kilo point one more than yesterday, I was about to actually freak out and then I thought - 'Wait, 1 kilo of fat = 7700 calories, I definitely didn't overeat by 7700 calories, so how much fat have I actually gained?? So I ate... 1500 calories, and my basal is 1400, and I walked for over an hour. So.. I gained nothing - it's just water weight.'
See my logic? See how utterly silly it would be for me to freak out every time the scale went up, and as expected - after a good poop (too much info I know), it was back down to 57.6kg this morning.
I thought my entire life would suddenly be better if I lost weight, but now I'm not so sure? I don't know how I'm meant to feel!!!
<3
The idea is that you give up a comfort that you have for 40 hours and people sponsor you and raise money for the people who don't HAVE those comforts. Usually you give up food or sleep, but it can be anything that people would sponsor you for; I have a friend giving up electronics, I have another friend giving up sitting down. I personally am giving up food, but it does worry me - I used to fast all the time, it was like a necessity. I don't think it's a good habit for me, I'm better of being in control of the foods that I am eating rather than abstaining from completely. I don't know how I'm gonna manage this 40 hour famine, I don't know if I can really, being at my neighbour's house and all. I'll see how I go.
Okay so yesterday morning I stepped on the scale and I was 58.7 kilos, 1 kilo point one more than yesterday, I was about to actually freak out and then I thought - 'Wait, 1 kilo of fat = 7700 calories, I definitely didn't overeat by 7700 calories, so how much fat have I actually gained?? So I ate... 1500 calories, and my basal is 1400, and I walked for over an hour. So.. I gained nothing - it's just water weight.'
See my logic? See how utterly silly it would be for me to freak out every time the scale went up, and as expected - after a good poop (too much info I know), it was back down to 57.6kg this morning.
I thought my entire life would suddenly be better if I lost weight, but now I'm not so sure? I don't know how I'm meant to feel!!!
<3
Am I Happy?
I feel.. kind of off - not sad, but I am? I don't really understand how I'm feeling, it's like this unconscious sadness, I'm using all my strength to repress it, in fact I feel this way rather often. I feel like I'm just waiting for something to end, for something good to happen, but I don't know what it is. I just went to a gig, it was boring and cold. There were 'old' friends there.. and my usual group. We all got maccas coz a few of them were stoned, I was invited, but I feel as if I'm dis-including myself, and I don't want to be, but I don't want to join them a lot. I had a black coffee at maccas, it surprised me how good it was - learn something new everyday. A boy kissed me, he was flirting with me all night and then kissed my hand and said "next time it'll be the lips, or maybe this time!" and he pulled me in and then kissed me, it was a bit sleazy but whatever. It was kinda nice. This guy that I've ALWAYS been on-off with was there too, we haven't been that way in a while, but I feel as though we're almost about to slip into that pattern, but we're friends again and I'm really happy that way. THEN there was this guy that has been sorta flirting on me, and we keep making plans to go out but we both forget about it. So yeah - guy's night for me...
In other news, we decorated cupcakes today. Butter icing, m&ms, choc freckles, jelly lollies - all there for the taking, in fact being GIVEN to me to eat. and I didn't eat any.
I have to work tomorrow.. bleh. Oh well. Goodnight! <3
Lily is making me feel a bit better.
In other news, we decorated cupcakes today. Butter icing, m&ms, choc freckles, jelly lollies - all there for the taking, in fact being GIVEN to me to eat. and I didn't eat any.
I have to work tomorrow.. bleh. Oh well. Goodnight! <3
Lily is making me feel a bit better.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Chai Tea is the best thing ever.
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| The lovely Miranda Kerr showed off her fine physique as she partook in a New Victoria's Secret campaign. |
I did not binge - I actual never binge anymore, I just always go over.
So up until the end of school my count was at about 600, and that's fine. I'd have like 200 for dinner and everything would be cool. But of course I have a life (friends). We went to the shops and I bought a jelly slurpy from the asian grocery (90 cals) and was gonna stick to that. Then my friend bought an 8 pack of muesli bars for 2 dollars and the other one bought bread and I had some muesli bars and bread.. and then we went to some comedy show thing at one of favourite cafes, it was very interesting but friends ordered WEDGES (mm..) and so yeah. I kept it to about 1500 for the day I think. I don't have a very clear idea of what it ended up being though. I did have dinner because that's unavoidable, and I had a chai tea with soy milk and honey, but it was so good that I'm not exactly worried about that. I can't believe I lived before chai. Chai chai chai.
The thing we saw at the cafe was actually REALLY informative, the guy kind of talked about some scientifical effects and theories and stuff that I found rather interesting and stuff. Here's some links to some stuff which I thought was cool. :)
http://www.damninteresting.com/unskilled-and-unaware-of-it
http://www.fortunecity.com/roswell/callanish/39/3christs/3christs.htm
So what else? I have Alice in Wonderland pajamas, they're amazing. I love love love them. I'm decorating cup cakes tomorrow, hope I don't need to eat any. I might be going to this awesome hippie festival that's on soon! I got some new books to read. I bought some more seaweed snacks. Election for government on this Saturday! ME and a friend are having an election party. 40 hour famine this weekend! No food for a worldly cause! And we're doing it together! Wooooooo! Okay, I'm boring today - byeee.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Binges - hope this helps.
I read about something recently which made me realise a reason that we possibly binge!Serotonin, it's a chemical that is released into the brain by eating certain foods. 'Serotonin is responsible for us feeling happy, relaxed, calm, motivated, and at peace with our lives and our role in the world'. It keeps us happy, when it's not being released enough we become depressed. We also become insomniacs, as serotonin is responsible for regular sleep as well. AND serotonin keeps appetite at bay. Dieters usually have low levels of serotonin due to (obviously) dieting. So when we start to binge, we suddenly get that happy feeling we've been missing and then we're up shit creek without a paddle!
'Serotonin is synthesized from tryptophan in the presence of adequate vitamins B1, B3, B6, and folic acid. The best food sources of tryptophan include brown rice, cottage cheese, meat, peanuts [perhaps that's why I always binge on PB O_o], and sesame seeds'. (Also yoghurts have tryptophan too)
'Low serotonin levels cause intense refined carbohydrate cravings that are very difficult to ignore. In particular, these food cravings trigger impulse eating that is difficult to control with willpower alone. Exercising willpower and determination becomes difficult because :)your emotions make you feel "What’s the use, even if I lose weight I’ll only gain it back anyway. I’ll always be fat." You give up because you feel you are fighting a losing battle. Basically, low serotonin levels attack your ability to "just say no". It is quite common for obesity to trigger low serotonin levels, which in turn triggers a vicious cycle of food cravings and weight gain.'
SO, my conclusion is, try including those foods in your meals, and take a vitamin b complex!
(Also, never look up cottage cheese in google images, image may disturb you)
http://www.weightloss-dietfree.com/serotonin-level.html
http://www.fi.edu/learn/brain/proteins.html
http://arthritisalternativetreatment.com/2010/07/serotonin-our-natural-prozac-help-stabilize-moods-and-reduce-pain/
I had baked beans for dinner - 250, and then half a cherry ripe, coz I was craving chocolate - 80.
On another note, I love making lists - it's so enjoyable, so I made a list of stuff to buy. Popcorn (health food style), peppermint green tea, parsnips, green beans, spaghetti squash, lime marmalade,cinnamon raisin bagels, berries, seaweed snacks (7 cal), bottled oolong tea (0 cal), almond milk (60 cal per cup).
Trippin'
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| Abbey Lee Kershaw |
http://www.neave.com/strobe/
Click it, stare at the center of it for 30 seconds and then look at your hands, or whatever! IT'S LIKE TRIPPING ON MAGIC MUSHROOMS - and that's from experience.
Anyway, after school me and some friends grabbed some Turkish bread with hummus and went to our local cafe / gallery - it's very.. hippie. We also got some chai tea and a lollipop each. We just chilled on the couches and did some homework, I don't regret it - it's not a binge, I felt very in control, it was a choice to hang out with my friends and enjoy some food. So I did. Yum. Deeeeee-licious. I can't wait till my period is over - sigh.. So annoying. I weighed myself in clothes (jeans, shirt, jumper) in the afternoon with my period and I was STILL under 60 - that's awesome. I had the best black coffee this morning, it was truly amazing. I love coffee.
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| Miranda Kerr |
Fiber plus cereal + vanilla soy - 150
mandarin - 30
pasta - 200
no-fat vanilla yoghurt - 70
bread - 50
lollies - 50
mandarin - 30
bread - 200
lollies - 50
= 820
ooooooh underestimation again.
OH and you know what else is mad? http://www.neave.com/television/
That. Just click through channels, it's like hours of entertainment. :)
I have rehearsal in like 1 hour, and I'm hung-er-ree. hahaa. I need some sustainability for rehearsal. What to eat? The people who I'm living with are not home. Hmmmm.
Okay well, yeah goodbye!
<3
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Arctic Zero
Oh wow, when did my blog become so popular? Not that I'm not pleased, I'm thrilled - it's nice to know someone cares haha. SO HEY GUYS. How's it going?
I have come across the best thing ever. Like.. ever. Okay maybe not ever. but you know.
ICE CREAM that is 150 calories per PINT (1 US pint = 0.473176473 litres) .
Okay, so maybe the ingredients aren't exactly 'cream' filled. But whatever. It's apparently sorta like a frozen protein shake, and protein is TONS important considering hair is approximately 91% protein, and without it our muscles diminish.. and muscles sorta keep metabolism going. Here's an article about the ice cream :)
http://www.yummydietfood.com/2010/08/arctic-zero-low-calorie-low-fat-ice.html
Okay, I've realised why my stomach has been so bloated for no apparent reason. Period, started, today. Which, although isn't exactly thrilling, it means that my weight must be even lower than I thought (and I thought it was doing well!), I'm currently at 57.6kg. Wish me luck! [ha, now that I have more followers, maybe I'll get some luck ;)]
I had figure skating today! I'm improving SO much, I love it! And it's amazing exercise, you can burn up to 1000 calories an hour doing it. And I spend 1 1/4 skating. I managed to manage doing inside three turns, bunny hops & some weird backwards jumpy thing.. I realised doing some jumps how fast my heart was beating but it didn't feel very strenuous, except my muscles were feeling worked. I had to bake cupcakes today, in cafe class. We have to decorate them for an assignment.. does anyone have any cool ideas?? Oh btw - didn't eat any of the failcakes, gave em away. I also spent the day sipping apple cider vinegar diluted in my water bottle, it's REALLY appetite suppressing, every time I wanted some food I had a swig, and I suddenly didn't want any. I was SUPPOSED to have that job interview yesterday, but I didn't. It's apparently happening tomorrow instead, should be good. I LOVE health food stores, so much good interesting food.
Intake:
Uncle Toby's Plus Fiber Lift Cereal + vanilla soy milk - 150
Mandarin - 30
Peanut butter + lime marmalade (best concoction ever!) on mega grain bread - 300
Nestle ForMe fat-free cheesecake flavoured yoghurt - 70
Eucalyptus drop, bite of toffee apple, gum - 30
Roast vegies - 300
= 880
coolies! I somehow thought it would be more.
I have come across the best thing ever. Like.. ever. Okay maybe not ever. but you know.
Okay, so maybe the ingredients aren't exactly 'cream' filled. But whatever. It's apparently sorta like a frozen protein shake, and protein is TONS important considering hair is approximately 91% protein, and without it our muscles diminish.. and muscles sorta keep metabolism going. Here's an article about the ice cream :)
http://www.yummydietfood.com/2010/08/arctic-zero-low-calorie-low-fat-ice.html
Okay, I've realised why my stomach has been so bloated for no apparent reason. Period, started, today. Which, although isn't exactly thrilling, it means that my weight must be even lower than I thought (and I thought it was doing well!), I'm currently at 57.6kg. Wish me luck! [ha, now that I have more followers, maybe I'll get some luck ;)]
I had figure skating today! I'm improving SO much, I love it! And it's amazing exercise, you can burn up to 1000 calories an hour doing it. And I spend 1 1/4 skating. I managed to manage doing inside three turns, bunny hops & some weird backwards jumpy thing.. I realised doing some jumps how fast my heart was beating but it didn't feel very strenuous, except my muscles were feeling worked. I had to bake cupcakes today, in cafe class. We have to decorate them for an assignment.. does anyone have any cool ideas?? Oh btw - didn't eat any of the failcakes, gave em away. I also spent the day sipping apple cider vinegar diluted in my water bottle, it's REALLY appetite suppressing, every time I wanted some food I had a swig, and I suddenly didn't want any. I was SUPPOSED to have that job interview yesterday, but I didn't. It's apparently happening tomorrow instead, should be good. I LOVE health food stores, so much good interesting food. 
Intake:Uncle Toby's Plus Fiber Lift Cereal + vanilla soy milk - 150
Mandarin - 30
Peanut butter + lime marmalade (best concoction ever!) on mega grain bread - 300
Nestle ForMe fat-free cheesecake flavoured yoghurt - 70
Eucalyptus drop, bite of toffee apple, gum - 30
Roast vegies - 300
= 880
coolies! I somehow thought it would be more.
Monday, August 16, 2010
A bunch of cool things :)
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.
Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!
- Sam Levenson
I rather like this poem, don't you?
- When placed in warm milk, raisins re-plump into grapes. (so trying this!)
- The metal backs of iPods are made from recycled zippers.
- Eskimos don't believe in bridges or tunnels.
- Every sixteen minutes, someone named Richard dies. (SO not naming my child Richard haha)
- Dolphins kill more people annually than sharks and influenza combined. (And now I'm scared of them)
- On a dare, former President Rutherford B. Hayes declared war on Chile for 17 minutes. (What a cool president!!)
- If you hold one nostril closed for 72 hours, you will slowly lose the ability to see color. (Your sight will instantly return to normal when you release your nostril.) (Might try it with a nose plug at some point)
- Wave a magnet at the lower left corner of a vending machine to receive a free soda. (Mmm.. free dietcoke)
- Winnie the Pooh started out as a non-fiction account of mental illness. (I would have LOVED to have read that version)
- Reading backwards for twenty minutes burns the same amount of calories as walking a half-mile. (GET READING PEOPLE)
- Revolving doors were first invented as a way to keep horses out of department stores.
- Clouds cannot travel south southwest.
My favourite interesting facts out of a bunch of cool ones I just read about!
And some lovely pictures of Audrey.
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