Crash, love, calm.

I think I'm depressed or something.
But I don't know, I've never been depressed.
I just feel so down ALL the time, I can't be alone because then I THINK too much and that just makes me sad. And I used to have reasons for being sad, but lately it's more of sad.... *reason to be happy*... sad again. Or stressed, or just uncomfortable in my own skin.
I haven't posted in so long, and it's because every time I want to I can't find the mind capacity...
A lot has happened but I'm afraid I can't post how I felt for most because I don't remember much.

Yes, I was in that car.

I was at my friend's house about 2 weeks ago, playing cluedo her friend came in with her boyfriend and asked if we wanted to road trip to the beach.. It was tons of fun, driving there.. And then we stopped at someone's house so the boyfriend could talk to his friend.. His friend decided it'd be fun to drive around the streets a bit. But then he sped up to140km/h (86m/h) and tried to turn and went straight into somebody's house. The police said they were surprised anyone was alive from the crash, but all anyone got was a few cuts and bruises. I've realized how easily I bruise, I got one on my finger and one on my arm. Giving statements to the police is painfully slow, I swear I told them what happened about 20 times. The crash was the most terrifying experience, yet I wasn't upset like everyone else in the car was... I didn't really have much emotion about the whole thing at all, like indifference. I actually kind of enjoyed the adrenaline rush from crashing.. My mum still doesn't know, the cops said they had to inform her but never did.

I spent all my holidays performing in a theater show nearly everyday and it was so much fun. I hardly went home and stayed with my friends in the cast at various people's houses. Unfortunately that screwed up my eating habits badly. I gained a li'l, I'm not enjoying it. I have another audition on Saturday, I'm praying I get in.

I have a boyfriend as of 4 days ago. But I've liked him for awhile, he's the one that I went ice skating with about 2 months ago and he was in the show with me. It didn't even feel like anything was going to happen, as he has a girlfriend.. But then we both stayed at a friend's house and ended up sharing a bed due to.. well, not really lack of beds, more just he wanted the bed I was in so he just joined me. We ended up kissing.. It's strange, then we talked about whether or not to go out and we weren't sure. But he was certain he was going to break up with his girlfriend. But eventually we did sort it out and now we are. I feel like this SHOULD make me happy, but I'm feeling so nonchalant about it, the only reason it's stopping me from being sad is because it's something to THINK about. Sometimes I think I could like this cool kid I always hang out with down my street, they're both so different people. The boyfriend is very straight edge and against me doing drugs.. The other one likes smoking and burning stuff.


Mother went through my things and found my food diary, I wanted to get angry but I knew if I did it might just make it worse, so now I have pent up anger towards her. This morning she blocked the door from me so I could leave for school until i ate 5 spoons of porridge. I wanted to cry or something.

I've started smoking a bit but I still think it's a dirty habit. I can't help it, it calms me down so much. And the people I hang out with do it a lot.

Intake today:
5 spoons porridge. - 30..
1 black coffee. - 1.
Tablespoon of powdered oreo - 40
Piece of pop tart - 30
= 101
<3

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

I don't want to waste a minute. Or a second. I don't want to waste any time on FOOD. And if I'm ALWAYS never eating then I'll never lose a second will I?

Non-chalant

There's something I want. But I can't quite understand what.
I keep wanting to say something to somebody like "I want to just never eat again" or "I wish I was thin" or "I wish I could curl up into a ball and die when I please" and then I realise how un-normal these statements are. They're totally un-normal things to want. I mean, yeah, a lot of people wish they were thin, but I'm in fact surprised by how many people I know who just don't care. I wonder if they do care but PRETEND they don't care. I don't wish to be me anymore. I really don't. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window, and I don't like it. Not because I think I'm hideous or anything, I get to told far to often that I'm pretty or gorgeous or beautiful, I just can't stand the fact that I am ME anymore, it's killing me and I don't even know why. I want to be not me, high all the time, I just want this constant high. And you get that from fasting, and the thing is that it's not even about being thin, because it IS but then again it's not. I used to fast so well, and it did scare me a lot but it was the most intense experience. I remember I had this one point in time of my life, at least 6 months where everything was great, awesome, normal. I ate tons, but it WASN'T tons, it wasn't much, and it didn't matter how much or how little it was. I was happy and laid-back and happy.

Night Wanderer

I just had the strangest moment.
I had gone to the kitchen, hungry. Put two weet-bix in the bowl, poured some honey on, gotten a cup of tea and poured the milk on. I was about to start eating when suddenly I though 'wait, do I need this?'.. and I didn't really. So I chucked it out, knowing there's always more where that came from.
I, of course drank the tea. Lately I've been accidentally getting under 1000 calories and still feeling like a failure because it wasn't a plan and so I overeat later on. Which is stupid.
Last night I slept a friend's house, we watched Bruno and Marie Antoinette, Bruno was hilarious and Marie Antoinette was beautiful, I wish I could live like her. I want to live my life in a cottage in a field of grass and flowers and trees with a lake and animals and have a nice big comfy bed with a yak wool rug in my room. A big teapot always brewing. A massive bookshelf full of every wonderful book ever. And that would be it.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I've been getting insomnia lately, I just CAN'T sleep. I told my friend and he said if I can't sleep I can call him up and we can walk around at night, two insomniacs wandering the streets.
I've decided that I want to never have to sleep or eat. I just want to be invincible..
Hmm.
Goodnight.
1 pancake w maple syrup
1 bowl of porridge w honey
1 mini can baked beans
1/2 serving homemade fried rice
1 fruit and nut bar
1 lollipop
1 diet creme caramel
1 soother
1 carrot
2x serving low cal jello
= 750

Sleeping forever.

Freja Beha Erichsen

Kate Moss cooking an omelette

I don't quite know what to say. I fasted for two days, living on black coffee and tea. And then I hung out with friends and we ate a bit, but it wasn't a binge. I hardly slept on the second night of fasting, tossing turning. I tried to sleep at 8, 10, 12. Fell asleep at 1, woke up at 2, fell asleep, woke up at 4, got back to sleep at 5, woke up at 6, fell asleep and woke up at 8 and lay in bed for an hour until I got up for school which I arrived at late. I remember getting up at 2 and eating a kiwifruit in the hopes that it might help me sleep, it didn't. Sometimes I wish we didn't have to sleep and I want to stay up and do things all night, and sometimes I want to do nothing except sleep. Well, all I wanted was to sleep, I wanted to just SLEEP and forget I exist. I wish I could be alone and live on a warm warm beach with a blanket and no one to bother me and just my books and my knitting and some tea. I'm so sick of everyone and everything. I'm sick of expectations, I'm sick of responsibilities, I'm sick of feeling things. I don't want to feel hunger, tiredness, sadness, stress, ANYTHING. Fuck. My "best friend" is.. so horrible to me. And it's hard to pretend I don't notice it anymore. And it makes it seem all the more real to type it here. I bought vogue because Freja was on the cover, I love Freja. And Kate Moss was in it too, I love her. And Lily Allen is pregnant and she is amazing and I bought a sugar-free V energy drink, it was amazing. Anyway. I had a friend's party last night, slept at hers, we all woke up and ate heaps of leftover party food and then I met some friends in town and we ate too.. don't have much to say except that what I ate today was the worst and that I feel sad. Goodbye..
2 mini croissants - 230
sultana bran - 170
crackers / chips.. - 150
1/2 samosa - 90
3 pieces lindt choc - 90
raspberry licorice bullets - 150
sesame snap - 40
1/2 a vegie noodles - 200
oreos - 140
carrot - 20
sugarfree energy drink - 7
mini muffin - 50
porridge - 100
= 1437

Wow last night's post was really depressive.
Anyway, I'm not so much like that today, my hands are moving at like a million miles an hour while I write this and I'm chewing a piece of gum rapidly. I couldn't sleep very well. I went to sleep at about 2am, I uhhhh wait what was it? Oh yeah, I had a dream, a dream about god knows what but I remember enjoying it. I think I was thin in it - haha isn't that nice? I woke up at 8.30, I'm meant to be at school 5 to 9. But we have assembly today, they can never tell who was there for assembly and who wasn't, so win win. I just had 3 cups of coffee and running off the energy of that. I have rehearsal tonight, should be interesting. i think I'll go ice skating tomorrow after school.. I love ice skating, gosh I don't even know.
I love the Kooks. I'm wearing red lipstick. I matched it with beads.
Me and a boy worked out what we will be eating during production week of our show...
We worked this out due to me telling him he needs to try certain foods and love them and vice versa.
Baby food, coffee, oats, raspberry licorice bullets, koh kai nuts, green beans, chai, chilli chocolate, sesame snaps, nashi pears.
Should be interesting. Of course he'll be eating most of that ;)
Ummmmmmmmm yeah.
I went to the markets on Saturday, they were great. I love the markets so much. The vibe, the smell, everything. I wish there were more markets, but I can always get my father to take me to them, in fact I might go to the fruit and veg markets on saturday! Oh wait, I think I'm going out for breakfast with people, then we're going ice skating, then to the movies. I'll just have coffee at breakfast (good because the place we're going is fucking expensive so I have an excuse, coffee is probably like 7 bucks) and then ICE SKATING meaning calories burnt. OH YEAH.
I'm sleeping at a friend's house that night, we organised to have a 'noodle night'.. hmm but she used to be anorexic and she's really into exercise so hopefully it will be fine. And on Friday night I have a good friend's party. I'm pumped! I'll see if this guy wants to do anything after that..
Spring is here, yet it's still rainy, windy, freezing. Fucking hell go away winter you meanie. hahahaha.
ABBEY LEE KERSHAW IS BLONDE :(
nooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I really want a Yak Wool blanket. Oh that would be my wish!
I've made a rule that every week I cross off something I'm known to binge on and don't binge on it. This week is peanut butter and boy am I glad coz before I used to get through like half a jar. which was bad coz a jar is like 2000 calories. SO YEAH. NEXT week is cereal. I always go pour 'just a little more' or 'just to finish off the milk'.. ya know??
Quotes I found recently that Ilike:

• If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution
• I took the road less travelled by and that has made all the difference (it helps me, may not help you..)
• I had a hole in my heart, so I threw away my plate, because nothing filled me up, no matter what I ate

Anyways, gotta go to school now!
Byeeeeee <3
Also, anyone in aus?

Rain rain please stay

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in forever, the internet on my computer is down and I have to post this from my phone. I've been so off the wagon, the number on the scale and the size of my clothes has stayed the same yet I feel like I've gained a million and two pounds. I am not happy. I can't deal with anything. I just want to sit and cry in my room for the next month. In fact I've been crying all afternoon, I went for a run which helped, it's been raining which is nice – the air is fresh. This morning my "best friend" ignored the shit out of me, more than usual. She's been doing this for a while, and it's very complicated but she does these things which make me feel like absolute shit. I started crying in English class today, we didn't have a teacher (for some reason our school fails and the relief didn't come) and we watched the Simpsons, only one person noticed me crying but that's good. I was trying to hide behind my scarf and hair, but he's really nice and was wondering what was wrong.
My ex boyfriend texted me the other night, he's so amazingly sweet and I can't believe I ever let him go – I was such a fucking idiot. He's inviting me to his 18th birthday party, it's so sweet of him. The guy I dumped him for and I never got together but that's a whole other story, but HE and I are good friends, and he can cheer me up just because he actually always pays attention to me, strangely enough. And this guy that I had a thing with for awhile was talking to me last night, I thought he had forgotten me :] Perhaps there's something in the air, my OTHER ex boyfriend has been talking to me again – after ignoring me for half a year. He was the only person that made me happy for a while. I just realized how long it's been since I've felt truly content for more than a few days. I've had temporary bursts of happiness due to certain people making things better but I can't seem to get fixed permanently..
I'm going to fast for three days starting tomorrow, I feel so high when I fast and I love it. Fuck, wish me luck.
I found this amazing tea – it's fucking toffee flavoured. It TASTES like toffee, can I get a hell yeah? HELL YEAH. Well yeahh…. And I'm in love with carrots, I eat so goddamn many. Note to self – buy carrots.
I got my school report today – surprisingly enough I'm not failing anything, and no teachers want to speak to my parents – SCORE. So I don't even need to show my mum, she does freak out about nothing.
I'm reading Wasted again, it's actually a really good book and she's such a good writer… And then I'm going to also be reading a book called Wolf Brother – it's a great book.
I have been going to the gym more lately, but thing is that I can't get there unless my mum wants to go too, and she's lazy and never wants to go, AND then she won't let me go for a jog because it's 'dark outside and you might get hurt!'. Well screw that, I'll go after you fall to sleep. I want to start figure skating more, but it's SO expensive. I'm torn – perhaps when I finish this theater show?
Anyway, my mind is racing right now and I have the empty cried out feeling.
Goodnight! <3 Stay strong.