Non-chalant

There's something I want. But I can't quite understand what.
I keep wanting to say something to somebody like "I want to just never eat again" or "I wish I was thin" or "I wish I could curl up into a ball and die when I please" and then I realise how un-normal these statements are. They're totally un-normal things to want. I mean, yeah, a lot of people wish they were thin, but I'm in fact surprised by how many people I know who just don't care. I wonder if they do care but PRETEND they don't care. I don't wish to be me anymore. I really don't. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window, and I don't like it. Not because I think I'm hideous or anything, I get to told far to often that I'm pretty or gorgeous or beautiful, I just can't stand the fact that I am ME anymore, it's killing me and I don't even know why. I want to be not me, high all the time, I just want this constant high. And you get that from fasting, and the thing is that it's not even about being thin, because it IS but then again it's not. I used to fast so well, and it did scare me a lot but it was the most intense experience. I remember I had this one point in time of my life, at least 6 months where everything was great, awesome, normal. I ate tons, but it WASN'T tons, it wasn't much, and it didn't matter how much or how little it was. I was happy and laid-back and happy.