I just had the most horrible experience. Okay, maybe it was a nice event and all, but I had this awful awful feeling. I was dragged along to a piano performance by my mother, her old friend being the pianist. And then afterwards a dinner. I did the whole thing mingling with adults (so awkward, I never know what to say.. just be polite?) and I munched on mainly pear slices and carrots and celery and some chips and dip. I was hungry to begin with, after awhile it became a habit. I figured that once we arrived at the restaurant that I wouldn't have to each much because we were getting share platters. Apparently that means that on each of our plates they give us fetta pastrys and oil soaked stuffed vine leaves and oil soaked salad. I don't understand why everyone soaks salad in oil, why?? I ate too much, and I can't help feeling depressed about it. Actually right now I feel SO down, and I can't really pinpoint why. I feel like I've been going through this endless cycle of lose a few kilos, gain a few kilos, lose a few kilos, gain a few kilos.. And I also feel like I'm going through the motions, I don't feel into anything anymore. I never feel really engaged with anybody, I just want to go home by myself and read or something. I've never felt that way so much, I've always wanted to be doing things.. ALL THE TIME. fuck. fuck. fuck. I feel so horrible. I want to cry. I just realised that someone I used to be really good friends with has deleted me on Facebook. We did have a fight, ages ago. It was stupid as all hell, I don't even understand what happened. But I know that I was a completely self centered bitch and he got angry and then I apologised and he never really spoke to me again. He confuses me. It just kind of made me even more depressed to see him have deleted me. I want to be happy.. And I usually am. I think this is a mix of my parents fighting, my lack of family, my lack of money, my boredom with life, the cold winter, the boy (s) I like and my fatness. 1800 calories is my guess today.
I sort of understand how you feel. I'm not really into anything anymore. I feel like I keep gown with my weight and then back up, like a pointless swing ride.
ReplyDeleteBut anyways, look up. You've already gone so far with your weight. Even if you've taken a few steps back, you're still closer to your goals than you were before. (And 1800 should at least still be maintaining for you!)
I really hope you feel better soon